[relationshipa1]

Well, this is going to be a bit long….

Let me start with this. My name is Cherry and his name is Mijo. I’ve known Mijo for 10 months and in the beginning we slowly started talking to each other but very naturally we seemed drawn to each other. I wasn’t really attracted to him when I first started to know him, he looked older and I generally had gone for younger guys… but after sometime I found myself just thinking about him and wanting to be with him. Well, we’ve been together the past 4 1/2 months and it’s been a large load of things to happen. He didn’t have a good image of me for the longest time, I was an alcoholic/party girl who became notorious for being easy… unfortuneatly. It wasn’t until 2 1/2 months ago that I finally realized everything I had done wrong. I Had cheated on him with his friends everytime I was drunk, I realized my addiction for alcohol was destroying everything, I even realized he was THE ONE. After all the damage was already done, I realized he was the one and I told him everything because I knew it wouldn’t be fair to lie to someone I know I’m goingto spend the rest of my life with. Well, I’ve been sober, haven’t cheated, and haven’t had any urges for a little over 2 months.

Now, one thing that triggered me was his anger, but since I don’t do anything wrong now the relationship is different after he found out everything. There have been times where he has gotten extremely violent with me during sex, really only during sex. Like, the first time it happened I told him to hurt me like I hurt him (I’m a masochist but wasn’t expecting the following). He did… he slapped my face many times leaving bruises on both sides, he punched me, and forced me to do sex things I’m not prone to like to much. It scared me and my point on that was supposed to be that all the anger will never feel as good let loose as it will if he forgives me and forgets the past and just opens his heart. Well, it didn’t happen again for three weeks. By this time I wasn’t expecting it to really happen. He tied me up and then started hitting me with a belt (mind you I’m 5’9 140lbs kinda skinny woman, he’s 5’11” 230lbs, mexican man with lotta testosterone). He ended up leaving bruises all over my back and if I tried to fight back, he just laughed at me and was worse. It happened two more times like this, and he would always say, “You are mine? You are my slave? You aren’t going to cheat again?” and my answer was always what it was supposed to be.I’ve been working hard to prove to him that I’m not like before and I’m trying to help him control his anger and everything. I know he’s the one and I can’t just let him go. I won’t.

Well, I finally decided a little over a week ago that we shouldn’t have sex anymore because it was ruining the relationship and he didn’t really have a problem with that. He’s always kind of seemed distant though lately. About 6 days ago though, he ended up in jail. He’s an illegal immigrant and the only person that can get him out now is me. He has 3 months in jail unless someone pays his bond and if no one does, then he gets deported. I went and saw him in the jail and he was different. He was SCARED. He was actually weak for a change. He’d never been to jail before. He was close to crying, I could tell. He was begging me to forgive him for everything he’d done wrong to me. He said he realizes now that he doesn’t want to live without me. He said he’s always thinking about me and just hoping that I can forgive him and that when he gets out he’ll do anything he can for me. He wants to get married and take care of me for the rest of my life no matter if it’s in Mexico or America. He wants to stop being angry. He really seems like he is going to change.

The thing is now, is that I am in complete control of him now. It’s my decision if he gets to stay in jail or not. Everything is up to me. Now I know what I want to do. I know how I feel about him, I know how he is, and I know that he’s completely screwed if I don’t do anything because I’m the only person with the ability to show a driver’s liscence, speak english, and pay his bond.

My question is, what would you do? Would you forget him and move on with your life? Or would you do something that big to prove that you really love that person and really would do anything for them?

[April Masini]

My suggestion to you is to walk away. For good.

You have emotional problems that may have been the catalyst for your alcoholism, and you were wrong to think that 2 months of sobriety for a newly adjusting alcoholic was enough time for you to be in a healthy relationship. I would strongly suggest taking a year off from dating just to use that time to work on your own issues with a clear focus.

That you attracted a man with his own serious problems with violence is not a surprise. It speaks to your not being well enough to date yet. The sex play you got involved with is dangerous and is going to lead to serious injury. That you stayed with your boyfriend after he beat you twice during sex is extremely unhealthy. Your boyfriend isn’t well, and I hope that you will cut off immediately from him.

His problems that landed him in jail are not your business, and I sincerely doubt that you are the only person in America he knows who speaks English and has a driver’s license. His promises to you now that he wants something from you are not genuine or true.

He’s an adult, and you are not his mother or his wife. Part of becoming sober is finding out your own boundaries and knowing what you can and cannot handle. If you can’t figure it out yourself, now, I’ll tell you: You should not be dating this guy. You should not be contacting him. You should not be bailing him out of jail.

I hope you can find a healthy lifestyle that will lead you down a path to genuine love and romance.

Good luck!

[Author]

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