[Anonymous]

Again I thankyou for your time ansering this.I will keep this topic up in case something intersting with thispeson occurs.And you’re right,I must move on instead of w8 for this person and I’m 100% to do it,I just hope I’l find the nxt person to be right and from the moment I’l find it and that person will care for me as I deserver,then I won’t drop the chance to answer back with the same feeling 😀 hope she’l be pretty 🙄

[Anonymous]

Thank you, I was thinking somewhere along those lines as well.

Cheers!

[Anonymous]

Hi Showing I am committed,
Well, you say your relationship has been from the begining up and down. All relationships have ups and downs but I guess it would depend on how bad and what those up and downs were or are. Can you think of those things, and maybe reflect and write about that? It would help in giving advice.
From what you have said so far he said he feels he is not a “Proper” part of your life, not sure what he actually means by that, but he is trying to say in a indirect way that he is not happy or comfortable with something. What it is we don’t know. But the fact that he is backing off a little and you seem to think things are ok, there is not a meeting of the minds here. Do you think if we cut through the red tape he is trying to brake up with you I hate to say this as it may hurt, I know that hurts to think of, but maybe try asking him one time just one time if he can tell you what is bothering him exactly . If he still can not give you a clear answer I would back off like April says men like to do the chasing. I hope this is helpful, I am only here to try to help as others have helped me.
Sep2111

[Anonymous]

Hi Smokey,
Glad to hear you are doing well. It does take a long time to heel, but i am guilty of rushing into relationships too, I guess its a sign of co-dependancy and I need to work on that. I did receive some nasty e mails from the last guy i just broke up with, the one who I think has a drinking problem and no car and two boys to take care of . He wrote some real mean things just because I said I am concerned about us being able to have a stable future financially and emotionallly because of his responsibility to his two boys, his ex wife lost her job, I am unemployed back in school for graphic arts, and of course not financially stable. He ripped my family apart me even said to just stay with my stupid dog. He is 47 I am 37 he is really immature and unstable emotionaly he was in the marines for ten years I think some things affected him but its no excuse. He is now writting me e-mails still that now he misses me and he is sorry IF he hurt me . I do feel bad because when he was looking for an apartment he looked for one that accepted dogs, which made it much more difficult to find one and he was doing it for me so if I stayed over or came to his place i could bring her. But guess what I was the one who drove him around looking and also found the apartment for him. I just recieved another e mail today where he was making some jokes to make me laugh and that he really misses me. All I know is that after what he said I could never trust him anyway and he is unstable reguardless of the mean e mail. I have not answered him I think it’s best . I feel lonely yes, but I think I need to have some space for some time.
I know that it is wrong for some women to feel they want a relationship with a man who is financially stable. I know I am not the gold digger type, but I want to raise a family and i do not want to have a child and leave them in some crappy day care or have someone else nurture my child through the first 2 years or until they are ready for pre- school. If my someday husband were to loose his job that is different but to start out scrapping pennies and with someone who already has two children and should give the best he can give them is first in my
book. He does not seem to think it would be a problem, but I only see trouble with him. And right now I can not contribute financially to a relationship either. They say that money is the root of all evil. I think it is partially true. What about you? What do you think as a man about money and relationships?
Sorry so long of a letter, hope you had a nice weekend. I am in NJ it was nice.
Sept2111

[Anonymous]

Hi Smokey,
Thanks for responding to my issues. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs , I also had a lot to say so it was and usually hard to keep things short and sweet.. But you did help and so did April I just got her book.
So I see your posted issues was from a long while ago, I hope things are better for you, I think the girl liked you needed some comfort and was not done healing from her relationship. I think it had no reflection on you, she just can not face you because she feels lke she said guilty.
The unemployment thing , well that is a bummer, me too, I am on unemployment and going back to school so hopefully I will find a job soon while I add to my education.
Take care and hope things are well with you.
sep211

[Anonymous]

[quote=”Smokey”]Next time, please use paragraphs when you’re posting because its easier to read, ok?
I thought you were a different person, until i read more of your post. Why are you using different alias “sep21/sep211/Depression hurts”?

Anyway, I’m sorry that you’re going through so much guilt and pain. From what you said, it sounds like you haven’t moved on from the ex that you were gonna marry. But more importantly, you haven’t really worked on yourself and your insecurities because you are still punishing yourself.

Look, you did the right thing in breaking up with him and not get married because YOU felt it wasn’t right! So you shouldn’t blame yourself (even he had cold feet as well). But you love him!!! Hey, you still can, nobody said you had to not care, nobody can take that away.

In my opinion, you don’t quite get over those you have been close to. Regardless of time, you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces – fact. Most of the time, keeping in constant contact with an ex prevents people from moving on. You have two choices…

(A) You could psychologically beat yourself up, by daily reliving your relationship. Or you could (B) Understand that it has always been you. ITS ALWAYS BEEN YOU. You are making yourself feel pain, you are analyzing, you are falling back on guilt. NOBODY IS GOING TO SAVE YOU………….Good, you don’t need them. If you’re hurting yourself, then you can save yourself too. If you really want to get better, I mean really, accept that its over. Only then can you begin to move on. And each day will get better, i promise. The agony of loss and guilt will eventually go away. (You’ll know ’cause you won’t be comparing your ex with your dates).

You sound like a decent person and deserve to be happy. Once you have found a way to be happy with yourself, then you can look for a significant other. They are the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. You cannot count on someone to make you happy, they can only enhance it.

Identify your past weaknesses and shortcomings ~ and forgive yourself of such! Your only human.
Thou shalt not beat thou-self up! 😉

Hope this helps.[/quote]

Hi thanks for your reply,
I am using different alias , because when I tried to write back or a new question it said name already in use so I though I had to change, not really to swift on how to reply to someone after they have responded to me and after I write something and want to write something else what is the best way to do this? Sorry about the paragraphs! or I should say lack there of.
I am glad you responded I really appreciate all the responses I get here and support and from april I am went to buy her book in B and N but they did not have it so I am buying it on line. Much easier.
Thank you Again,
Sep211

[Anonymous]

Hi Please help me,
I know it hurts to really have strong feeling for someone and not have it back in return, we all have experienced this at one time or another in this life time. The thing is this is part of life and we need to learn the best way to deal with those feeling. You have expressed to him your liking for him, and your friends have told him. He may just be flattered and thats why he smiles ,but for one reason or another he is not responding to you the way you wish. I would not persue this with him any longer. Just because he may not feel the same way does not mean you are not a likeable loveable person. He may feel awkward because you are a family friend or who really knows , but the answer is he is not responding so you need to relax take a deep breath when you see him and just say hi, how are you, be a friend as you have in the past and if it really gets awkward maybe you need to tell him that although you like him and have expressed it as more than a friend you like him you do not want him to feel awkward and you understand the feeling is not mutual and since you seem to be in the same circle of friends or running into eachother frequently you do not want it to affect your friendship. Be mature about it and accept that not everyone is going to like us the same as we may like them and that is ok and you will be ok. You will find someone that will return to you what you deserve. Sometime it is also just infactuation , we day dream of what it would be like and in fact your fantasy of what might or could be is far from what things could be if you were a pair. Being friends and dating and developing a romance and serious relationship is a long way and very different from and infactuation.
Good Luck in your search for Mr. Right.

[Anonymous]

Hi April,
You always give great advice and other people in the forum have helped as well, and I am feeling much better about making the right decision to let go of this last boyfriend.
The issue I am having now is that I was married in 2006 and am now divorced. I had known my ex husband for a long time. We used to work together thats how I met him. I was a decorative painter he was a furniture finisher. I was attracted to his kindness, I was having a lot of problems at home , an absent father most of my life. I really had feeling for my ex, he was always there for me but there were issues from the start. We had a 15 yr difference in age, he was not financially set, he was from a different country and never had gotten a formal education here in the states, he needed some help with his appearance, like how to dress needed to fix his teeth, etc, he did better after a while with some help from me.We lived together after being engaged he got cold feet I guess and said he would not be able to provide a good life for me and wanted to call things off. I was really upset and talked him into staying, i had bought my dress etc. I wanted to get married. Later down the road I got cold feet and had a brake down basiclly and had to go to the dr for some medication to calm down i had had several episodes of depression in the past, but decided that there were things I was not dealing with like not feeling like we matched up somehow feelings of embarrasment at times because of his inability to communicate with proper English with my family. I felt I wanted someone who loved me for who I was and was intimidated by men in suits, I felt he loved me he helped me talked to me helped my family when something needed to be fixed was there for my brother when he had episodes of bipolar. I also helped him get a better job, but he had two marriages before that did not work. I felt so guilty inside for having these feelings that I was unsure about us a couple i did not want to hurt him , but I did I called off the wedding. Later on we still saw eachother missed eachother and decided to give it another try. We got re engaged lived together, and got married. There were episodes of arguments, after marriage. His mother lived with us for 6 months as she came from her country for our wedding but announced she could not come into the church because she was a Jahova Witness, I was upset but respected her wished and she did come to the reception. My ex as I found out later had drank too much before our ceremony and he was not a drinker, really not much at all here and there and did not have a high tolerance, I noticed it after the ceremony I was not happy. On our honeymoon he seemed to be uncomfortable with where we were staying I wanted to go swimming in the pool and he would not join me. I paid for the honeymoon, he paid for the band my mother paid for the wedding. I was trying to be happy and I always was comfortable with him like he was a security blanket for me for a lack of a better explaination, I had feeling of love for him and was scared that if anything ever happened to him I would be devistated, I guess with the age difference i was scared sometimes. As his mother was visting he would not come to church with me and I was upset because before her presence he was coming with me. I felt we were not like a normal couple. I also later on started feeling those panic attacks like I was going to leave him again after we had moved into a nicer apartment , I struggled inside did not want those thoughts coming back, and eventually I ended up in the emergency room with a full blown panic attack, things setteled down again for a while and I was doing well felt I could not live with out him, I had stopped taking my antidepressant because we wanted to have child together. I was scared though because I felt we were not financially going to be able to handle it. He kept telling me not to worry that we will be fine, other people make it. We can too. After a few months of going to a therapist for issues I had from my past with my family I started with the panic attacks again and felt i was going to leave him, I was feeling sick, shaky, scared, and came home one eve from work and ate dinner and felt sick I told my husband I felt scared like I was going to run again and I did not want to but I was scared, he did not want to deal with it, he said maybe you are pregnant I did not think so because whenever i got these attacks i would get sick. The next morning i saw my therapist and told her i felt wrong about mymarriage i was a mess I stayed at my moms house for the evening and my husband and I spoke he asked how i was feeling and I said we need to talk he said he would call me when he got home from work he knew I was at my moms but he never called he was mad. I called him and called and he finally answered and he wanted and answer to what I wanted I said I don’ tknow what to do I am scared. he said well now you will find out and hung up. We split up we spoke a few times about apartment stuff I moved out, he had all my stuff packed up, I really was confused on what I wanted and felt so guilty. I could not even speak to him without braking down. We stopped talking and I was feeling sick again and missed my period. I was really scared now I did a pregnancy test at my moms office and I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him but was afraid of his reaction what to do I was in not state of mind to have a child at this point and was on antidepressants again and clonzapan for my nerves. I felt I was in big trouble being pregnant no money split from my husband in my mothers house , I went to my pastor and made a decision that it was a hard decision I felt pro life and of course so was my pastor but he said there is always forgiveness. Needless to say i did not go through with the pregnancy I was 7 weeks, and the Dr confirmed I was she advised with my medication and my financial and seperation it would be very difficult and it was not her say but she felt mentally how I was might lead to post partom depression and stopping the meds would make things worse,and she did not reccommend being on meds while pregnant. I was devistated I did not tell my husband untll six months after everyone told me not to tell him but I felt no matter what he needed to know he was understanding was not mad I was surprised at how supportive he was. I to this day can not forgive my self it has been about 2 yrs I think i can’t even think of the timing it was all one big nightmare and I wake up everyday feeling it a nightmare and will go away and won’t I fear I will be punished by God and that I am a murderer. I can not forgive my self and move on for the guilt of leaving him although I felt thing were not right but I made a promise before God and for the loss of my child I feel ashamed and can not go to church and when I have I only cry. How can I move on? I still talk with my ex as a friend here and there and even though I have dated no one has ever touched my heart the way he has and yet I know we were not a match. In God s name what have I done.

[Anonymous]

Thankeyou very much for your answer,you are so very right 😀 belive me,if there would be one person who will come in my life and get fond of me and I myself ofc,start becoming fond of her I won’t drop the chance,or..I don’t know..Thing is,the person I’m attracted(Christine)is a gelous person,she’s used for boys to like her(but that’s not really the problem),but I can bet on everything that if she’l see me in a company of another person,she’l become gelous and start asking questions about her…and I’m still the most closest to her,and always there when needed(she knows that,and she apreciates it,she started to trust me)…It’s a hard decision tough.(I think you understand)If I’m looking forward for a new relation,stop my hopes of beeing with her,she will feel that,and see that I’m becoming colder and distant from her,it’l probably saddened her or I don’t know…

[Anonymous]

Thanks April your help is beyond the biggest thank you. I will be buying your book this weekend I am going to the book store. I hope more women find out about you, you are kind but to the point and that sits real well with someone who is stressed out, you never come across as a lecture, just kind hearted older sister/ friend advice / therapist. Thanks again

[Anonymous]

Hi we are not connecting,
April is right you may feel the need to write the letter and let him know how you feel. Write it but keep it for yourself or burn it. It is only going to make you feel worse if you send it , it is unclear why his feelings changed, he is not capable of getting close right now. You will be ok and just tell yourself that over and over. If it was ment to be you would be with him, you do not want to be with someone that you are not sure if he is feeling the same way. You may feel desparate to be with him again but you know in the long run it’s just not working. You will find someone in time. I am in the same situation just broke up a few days ago and I am divorced , even though I know the relationship I just experienced was not going well and I broke it off I am still upset, but I just tell myself and you we will be ok, we will find the right person for us. Good Luck to you, and keep yourself busy and do things you enjoy, in time the pain will ease.

[Anonymous]

Friends are part of our lives. We value and accept them no matter who they are. Like the way they accept us. In your situation, if your bf’s friend is really that bad,try to stay away from him… Just be casual. If you love your boyfriend, you need to learn and befriend his friends too. Who knows, his friend will be able to realize someday that what his doing is absolutely wrong. Just do your past as a gf so the relationship won’t be affected. And do good things to that person. Everybody has a chance to change.

[Anonymous]

What you experienced is just normal because that is reality.We are human and people commit mistakes.Don’t blame everything to yourself,You might not know? Your boyfriend cheats on you too.? That’s possible right? Having a long distance relationship is hard. You don’t see each other and often lies. As you said you are a loyal girlfriend before that happened. Just make things right.IF HE REALLY DOES LOVE YOU, he will accept you for what you’ve done. I know you knew what to do. Face the consequences of your mistake. In the end, that mistake will give you lessons in life.

“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.”

[Anonymous]

but if she wasnt into me any more would she still say she loves me is there anyway to try and turn things around i mean does this sound like a normal relationship when we are together she is very affectionat towards me i just am not sure if im wanting to much to soon as far as the guy friends it is my understanding that its not just her and them more of a mixed group that just bothers me because i feel that she should tell me if she is hanging out with other men maybe im wrong on that one im really not sure what to do at all

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much April for the advise

However I have to ask:
Saterday we had my brothers wedding and both had many drinks on the dance floor she had started dancing (grinding) with this one guy she new from back in the day but also with a few other guys. Well by the time we got taken home I had made a coment about it being inapropriate to have another guy all up like that. Well she saw it as she was just having a good time, everyone was drinking and I am calling her a slut.

Now am a wronge with not liking a guy grinding with my girl, or should I just let it go to “having a good time” I mean to her it seemed like that is exeptable. How should a approch this again without getting in the fight we did that night.

[Author]

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