Evie

[Evie]

From what I read here, it sounds like you don’t trust her completely in the relationship. I had been in a long distance relationship before and I know how hard it is to make it work.

The important thing in any relationship is trust. If you want to make the long distance relationship work, you have to trust your girlfriend. Just because her friends had a history of cheating, it doesn’t mean she will follow suit. It’s like asking the question “if all your friends jump off a cliff, would you do that too?”. I don’t know your girlfriend but I’d like to think that she didn’t cheat on you. Your lack of faith in her is going to make the relationship harder to keep up. When I was in a long distance relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I had complete faith and trust in him that he won’t cheat on me, and he did the same with me. I know it sounds easier said than done, but if you’re serious about having a long term relationship with this girl, you got to learn to trust her more. If you suspect her or question her more about the incident, she’s not going to be happy that you don’t trust her and things are just going to go downhill from there.

Good luck.

[Evie]

[quote=”April Masini”]
One of the ways to get closer to your parents is to let them know who you really are, and if you like a guy and want to flirt with him and your mother is in your presence, then flirting with him will let her know who you are. 😉 So, really, by flirting with him in front of your mom, you’re killing two birds with one stone: flirting with this guy, and letting your mom know who you are so you become closer.
[/quote]

I think it will take a lot of courage for me to do that. But I guess it couldn’t hurt. Considering that for all my life, they’re oblivious to what’s happening to me. They only notice things about me when it has to do with money and academics (I feel like the black sheep of the family sometimes). They never ask me about anything beyond that. I never showed my true emotions to them as I’ve learnt at a young age to never cry in front of my parents as more crying leads to more scolding. So whatever it is, I cry alone in my room, I keep it inside or talk with my friends or those outside the family that I trust.

And somehow I mind what they think. I don’t know if they have problems with me or my sister dating or in a relationship with someone who’s socioeconomic status is or could be lower than that of my family. I know some parents do mind but I really have no clue with my parents. I think we’re too disconnected. Sometimes at home I just feel like I’m only there for the food, shelter, and clothes. I’m scared that if I do flirt with a guy I’m interested in, my mom or dad or both will just give me a hard time about it.

And I love this forum! I like reading other people’s advices, your advices, and sharing past experiences with others. This is a great place!

[Evie]

Well if it makes you feel any better, I have a similar problem too though my parents are not too over controlling but still controlling somewhat. I used to feel the same with that my parents still treat me like a 15 year old even though I’m an adult.

I still get a bit of that sometimes nowadays. When I was stuying in the States and are away from my parents, I had freedom in a lot of my life except financial. I can study whatever I want, do whatever I want, wear whatever I want. But once I was done with my studying and have to move back home to my parents, I’m back to being that adult they treat as a 15 year old. Thing is, as long as you’re still living under their roof or are financially dependent on them, you’re going to have to deal with it until the day you move out or become financially independent.

The best thing to do and not let that get to you for now is to just ignore it and live life the way you want to. For now, don’t completely disobey them because you never know what the consequences are. You don’t want to defy them and they end up cutting you off or disowning you or something. Try to reach a compromise or some leeway in things you do and the way you live life now.

In some ways, you’re in a better position than I am. From what it sounds, you are capable of moving out and getting your own place. I’m not yet as I’m still financially dependent on my parents. I have a hard time finding a job and so far only have a part-time job that earns little. I still got to save a lot before I can move myself back to North America. But you, you can just move out. As April says, you’re not a kid. You’re an adult and your parents don’t dictate your life anymore. Question is whether you got the guts to defy your parents and actually move out.

Good luck.

[Evie]

I’m in a situation where I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend too. Should I start a new topic/thread?

[Evie]

I still haven’t heard a reply from him. I called him both his cell phone and his office, not answering his cell or returning calls. I e-mailed him at home and work, still nothing. I text his cell phone, no reply. Not even an e-mail or text saying that he got my calls/e-mails. I don’t know what else to do considering that at this point in time, I do not have the financial resources to fly to Seattle to see him.

Is it possible he’s just avoiding confronting me. Does this mean it’s over between us? He asked me what I wanted for the future and I told him. I deserve an answer from him either way. Why is he ignoring me when he was the one who first told me that he doesn’t want to do LDR anymore, and the one who asked me what I wanted for the two of us in the future? I want to believe that he’s just busy because of his new promotion at his job, but it seems not likely. It’s been 5 months since he asked me the question. The least I deserve is an answer.

[Evie]

Before you ask her to be your girlfriend, you should find out if she feels the same way about you. I don’t think there is an exact number of dates to go on before you ask. If you feel that she likes you too, the way you like her, then ask. Do it at a time when you feel comfortable and ready. Make sure that you’re ready for a relationship though as crossing the line between friendship and dating/relationship, the way I see it, it’s kinda dangerous going back and forth. You don’t want to lose a friend if it doesn’t work out. So it’s something serious to think about.

I don’t think there is a certain [b]way[/b] to ask a girl to be your girlfriend. Every guy has a different way of asking. Over a fancy dinner, or on a romantic date walking along the beach, there are many ways. For me, when my boyfriend first asked me to be his girlfriend, he asked me when we were talking on the phone. I was on vacation with my family out of town at the time so it was a long distance call. He wanted me to be his girlfriend and I guess he didn’t want to wait until I returned (thought I still don’t know if that was the reason to this day!), so he asked me over the phone. That made it one of the happiest days of my life among all the other happy days. I think that the best way to ask is what you feel is most comfortable when you’re with her.

Since your birthday is coming up, you could do it then, if you want to make it memorable for you. It depends on you. The best time is when you’re comfortable and ready. My b-day is the same month as you lol. 🙂

[Evie]

Sorry, that second post was an accident and I couldn’t delete it.

Anyways, I don’t know why he’s not responding. Maybe he’s really busy or maybe he still needs time. For me, this silent treatment is making me scared and worried. A friend of mine said this silent treatment is not acceptable and is a control thing. It could be. Do you think he’s trying to control me or is he really busy or just needs time to think about this whole thing?

He told me he doesn’t want to do long distance. I told him I don’t want to either. I want to move there with him but for one, my parents is not letting me move there unless he’s going to marry me, thus giving me some sort of status. Second, to stay in the US long term, I need either a job or go to grad school both of which is out of reach and I’m working on trying to get into grad school. He asked me what I want to do in the future and I told him what I want, and that I want a life with him. I did what he asked and told hime what I wanted. And now I get the silent treatment.

Do I just sit here, panic that I’ll lose him and wait until he replies? Or is there something else I can do to tell him that I am serious about wanting to be with him for life? I had called him, sent him texts, and e-mailed him both at home and work and still nothing. It’s making me depressed and sometimes lose my appetite. I feel like sitting here and panicking is like my only choice.

[Evie]

You sound like me when I was single. No idea on how to approach a guy you like. 🙂

I don’t think that the first time has to be necessarily flirty. Perhaps the second or third time. Just say hi to him whenever you run into him, ask him how he is and see if whatever his replies are will lead on to another conversation. Try to see if there’s something in common you can talk about – favorite sports teams, or things about the club you two are in. I think that’s a start. Show him you’re interested but don’t make it so that he’ll run off or something. Start something small. When he’s with his friends, include his friends.

If you want to be flirty after the initial conversation, you can always tease him. I used to do that to guys I liked. The important thing is to be yourself.

Hope it helps.

[Evie]

Thank you April.

I was asking because I thought there might be chances we might be friends again. When I previously dated another guy (who started the relationship) for a week who decided to go back to being friends, he stayed friends with me and we still are friends. I had hoped that this guy will still want to be friends with me like he did when I rejected him the first time. I guess it takes this second time for him to get the message and stop wasting his time on me.

I was hoping that maybe sometime in the distant future, when he’s married and all, that we might be friends again. But I guess some things just have to be this way and it won’t happen. I guess also this is why the line between friendship and romance is such a, well dangerous area to be in and it’s something that needs to thought about seriously. I hate losing friends.

[Evie]

[quote=”April Masini”]Please connect your posts so it’s easier for me — and the other readers to see them all in one place and give you the best possible advice! 😀[/quote]

Ok. I did that. I put it under the post I was referring to.

[Evie]

Sorry about that. I wasn’t sure where to post at first.

I’m at a loss at what to do.

My boyfriend/fiance and I are in a long distance relationship. We had our ups and downs, had arguments, had broken up and got back together. He proposed marriage and I accepted. Yet, we’re still in a long distance relationship that has been going on for a while. And I feel our relationship has hit an all-time-low. Or rather, felt like rock bottom.

When we had our arguments, it was due to our differences in our view of things. For most part, it’s the arguments has me upset. I focused on school to avoid the arguments and didn’t talk as much to him fearing that we will argue again and ruin the relationship. The last time I saw him in person was back in March 2009 when we went on a week long trip together. I didn’t want to leave him but I had to to go back to school after Spring break ended. After that, things were quiet between us. Things kind of cooled I guess you could say that. But throughout all this time, he has been the most important to me even though he thought that school was what was important to me. Already in a long distance relationship with him, now our distance is even further. Now that I’ve finished school in the US, I’m on the other side of the world from him. He’s in the US and I’m in China.

He told me that he doesn’t want to do long distance anymore. Neither do I but reality is not letting me be with him. I can’t be there with him long term unless I have a job or going to grad school. And doing either is already on my list of problems I have to deal with already as getting a job for me is hard without at least a Masters degree and it is hard for me to get into grad school. The other options is unless we get married. My parents know about our long distance relationship but they told me they will not let me just go and live with him without him giving me some sort of status. In other words, they will not let me live with him unless he will marry me.

He asked me what I want for the future and I told him that I want to be with him, marry him and start a family with him. It has been two months since I told him what I wanted. I had called him, text him on his cell, and e-mailed him both at home and work and I still haven’t heard from him. He has moved to another part of town recently so I don’t have his new address to send him mail. I know he needs time but and from his last e-mail he said he had been busy at work, and having recently promoted, he’s probably busy with more work. I don’t know why he can’t even spend a minute to let me know whether he has got my e-mails or not. Is he still needing time to think or just running away from dealing with it?

I’m scared of what will happen and this waiting is making me feel depressed. I don’t believe that our relationship is over. I have talked to my very best friend about our long distance relationship problems and she told me that if the relationship is truly over, he wouldn’t tell me that he doesn’t want to do long distance anymore. I love him so much that I rejected pother men who are interested in me. I want to make the relationship work. But other than waiting, I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know what else I could or should do to save this relationship from being over. All I know is that I’m really scared of what might happen. What can I do? What should I do?

[Evie]

You asked me to post to an old post I was referring to so here it is. Note that it has been sometime because he has been busy and I had been busy dealing with my other issues.

—

I had been friends with a guy from school for about two years. I mentioned this friend in another post before. He was interested in me but I rejected him twice. The first time I rejected him, he seemed okay until I found out months later that he wasn’t over me. I only like him as a friend so when he told me that he loves me, I did what you said April – I rejected him.

At first he seemed okay and said he saw the rejection coming. He said that he was hurt in that I chose my ex (we’re together again in a long-distance relationship that seem to have hit an all-time-low/rock bottom and I love him very much) over him. He wished me good luck. The next day, he told me he couldn’t be friends with me. At first I couldn’t understand why but when I talked to another guy friend of mine, this guy friend said that my friend was smart in doing what he did by ending the friendship. It made sense when he explained why a guy would do that. I guess it’s normal when that happens?

I miss this friendship even though it hasn’t been very long. He has been a good friend and has helped me through some rough times I had during my time at school and it really sucks that he chose not to be friends anymore. Do you think that this is it? Or maybe sometime in the future we will be friends again? For me, he will always be my friend and I do hope that sometime in the future, we will be friends again.

[Evie]

From reading what you wrote, I think that now, all you can do is to give her time and space. After all, you said she was devastated when you broke up with her. That’s like pouring salt over an open wound, probably even worse than that. She was hurt and most likely to be confused about things and is probably still angry with you breaking up with her. Her actions may be just a way of protecting herself through this time. And I also think that the trust between you two has somewhat shattered. You did say to her that you had feelings for another girl. If she takes you back, how can she trust and be sure that history won’t repeat itself even if you said it won’t? If I were her, I’d be wary about that. But I am not her. But I think that her actions are just a way of protecting herself.

She needs time to figure out things, figure out if she wants to move on or take you back. That’s what I think from reading your story. I wish you good luck.

[Evie]

You’re very welcome! I hope that in sharing my experience, it will help you in how to deal with your feelings about your teacher. Having been in your shoes, even at my age of 28, I can relate. What follows are my experience and my thoughts on your situation.

The best and only thing you can do is to keep your relationship at the friends level. You did the right thing by drawing the line there. From my experience, whenever it has to do with feelings for a teacher, the first thing is to draw the line. Keep your academic relationship/life and personal relationship/love life seperate. I find that once I did that, I find it easier to deal with my feelings towards the teacher. That is my advice to you. That and give this some time. Time changes everything.

Don’t feel bummed out that you can’t be more than friends with him. You might feel that way right now and maybe for a little bit, but look on the bright side. Being friends with your teacher isn’t a bad thing as long as remind yourself not to and don’t cross the line. Having a teacher you get along with in school is a great asset to your success in academics. Even though in my case, it’s in college rather than in middle/high school, in my experience with my college professor who’s only a few years older than me (really young guy!), he and I have a great and healthy teacher-student relationship and this healthy relationship helped me in the long run. In the past 3 years since I know him and had my first class with him, aside from being my mentor academically, there were one or two times where he taught me life lessons and gave me advice, in his words, “as a friend”. He gave me advice as a friend. Academically, in knowing your teacher, it helps you in such that you know what his expectations are and how he teaches, so you benefit in getting a good grade in class by turning in homework that shows what he expects even when the syllabus doesn’t say it all. It helped me and I excelled in that professor’s class because I know what he expects from students (and not only his class did I excelled in lol).

I’ve been through the same things you did, having friends suspect and teased me about it. But knowing that from the start, keeping my academic life and personal life separate helped me deal with the teasing and suspicions easier, especially when people starting asking questions. I didn’t have to feel scared that someone might find out or feel my heart racing like you said you did. I find that I could face it head on. I don’t think you should try so hard in covering up your feelings. The harder you try, the more suspicious people will get. The last thing you want is someone misinterpreting your actions (you trying hard to hide your feelings) and/or start a rumor. In my experience, in separating academics and personal life, I can face this head on and not have to be afraid. I can admit to my friends that “yes, I like this guy, but I know that nothing will ever happen”. For me, it felt like some kind of new freedom.

And it’s great that you’re planning to talk to one of your close friends about it. It helped me a lot when I talked to my best friend about it, her being the first person I told. Does your friend have or had any dating experience? If he or she does, it helps even more. My best friend had a lot more dating experience than I did and it helped me a lot.

I hope that in sharing my experience helps you! Good luck! Things will get better and one day you WILL meet that special someone. In the meantime, enjoy life and enjoy being young! 🙂

[Evie]

April’s right. You’re not alone when it comes to having feelings for a teacher. I’ve been there myself and even in my late 20’s, just finished college, I experienced that. I had feelings for one of my professors who’s only a few years older than I am for the past 3 years now, but even though I still have feelings for him (which aren’t as strong now), I had early on faced the fact that nothing more will happen other than a health professor-student relationship between him and I. I struggled with my feelings like you did, and talking to friends about it really helped me (I’m not that close to my parents either so I understand where you’re coming from).

Just give it some time and eventually things will get better.

[Author]

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