Legion1

[Legion1]

Hey April,

Thanks again for the response, I appreciate it.

I don’t know if it’s harshness I’m feeling or what, but narcissism is an irony to hear. I mean haven’t I read everywhere on the net and in books that we should love ourselves and be happy with ourselves? I in NO WAY want to blame all of this on her, and maybe I’m mistaking that by my comment I made on her not trying to be interested or making any effort.

Just as it takes two for any relationship to succeed it takes two for it to fail, so like I’ve said multiple times I believe I’m owning up to my side of the situation. Which was I should not have…just left her alone to do her schooling and such, I should have been a presence because then she would have known I still appreciated her and cared rather than her assuming I don’t and perhaps finding love elsewhere or just disinterest.

When you say I’m wrong about making an effort on either of our parts, isn’t that saying that we shouldn’t really try to be good to one another? Like I said just a moment ago, it’s both of our faults, but are you really saying that just because we are our own people we can just up and leave or up and be disinterested in any person we are with in our lives without any aspect of loyalty or dedication to someone? Who knows, maybe dedication to someone is my biggest downfall and what makes it hard to just walk away from relationships or start them when they never should have occurred. I don’t know. I guess I look at it like this, many times during this relationship I’ll see a pretty woman or whatever, and I think it’s natural and human for both sexes to do this and be like, “wow, she/he is so attractive”, the thing is it’s the loyalty you have to your significant other and dedication to that, that keeps your feet on the ground.

Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I have it all wrong, but that is how I viewed things through most of my relationships. There has been a woman for example that is physically more appealing to me than my ex, not necessarily in my opinion but on looks alone I’d bet 9 of 10 men would agree with this, that has wanted me for the past 7 months I work with her but on different shifts. All the time I had this feeling she liked me, but of course never pursued it, and one day it was made pretty loud and clear by some over-flirting she was doing. Still, I stayed with the person I was with because I think loyalty and dedication are more important than just going off of lust or impulse.

Again, maybe I’m wrong in all of this.

About the law, no one can make generalizations about all humans, but if I was to ask you, or my mother or anyone I know, have you ever got a speeding ticket before? 90% of people would say yes, that’s breaking the law. I didn’t mean to the same degree as my DUI, and there are some people out there who really never have, but most do at some point in there entire life.

As far as seeking the answer to the question of the sex or the I love you’s that happened a few days before we broke up. That’s the problem with the whole thing, which has caused a fairly natural and human reaction, analysis of what just happened here? Because in general those things just cause confusion, it’s like why would you do loving things, if you were planning to break up with me??? That’s contradictory, it doesn’t make sense, but I honestly have never got a clear answer on why we broke up. I got about 15 different answers, including one so “erroneous” as you put it, like “nothing you did was a reason to break up with you”…ok so what is going on??? It’s not that I want to argue with her, you, my mother, my friends, for pete’s sake. I did read one thing in a book that was very important, it said if you’re going to break up don’t be vague, just be totally honest no matter how much it is going to hurt the other person. That way there is no confusion and the healing and the moving on process is a lot easier. I haven’t ever got an honest answer, or I’ve received too many different answers that I have no idea, aside from just agreeing with you that she just lost interest.

I’m not playing games with the cats. My cat she has never stated she wanted, she just wants control and does not want me to get rid of him to a good organization like the dumb friends league where he can find a good home. How am I a bad person in doing this? I’m not getting rid of him because of her, I’m getting rid of him as I’ve said because I don’t want to have to find a new place with a cat, and honestly I’m tired of him opening cupboards and spraying on the floor. I’ve owned like 10 pets in my life, it’s not like I can’t get another one, and it’s not like I’m dropping him off on some street in the cold to fend for himself. Additionally I will admit though, I want to move on fully and don’t want anymore reminders of her. The more I hold onto him April, the more I’m going to psychologically and mentally hold onto this relationship. I don’t think that’s a healthy thing to do.

I had a feeling someone was going to tell me the “be the better person line”. Do you know how many times in my life I’ve heard that, and how many times I’ve done it? What exactly does it do for me? What solace would I have in just giving her the cat I took care of for 2 years? I’ll be honest, whether we were dating right now or not I think she is very irresponsible. 2 days specifically since breaking up I’ve come home from working late to find she’s gone at work or with friends and the cats have no food/water. I did see this with the cat she used to take care of as well when we first started dating, but I didn’t analyze it to see what deeper meaning it had. I don’t feel comfortable giving her either of the cats in my honest, no bs opinion. This isn’t hurt, anger, not being in the relationship talking, I’m telling you, I don’t feel comfortable with it at all. I’m trying to be nice and let her have the cat and in fact I first said she can just have the one she wants, then my mother said you’re letting her walk all over you have her pay for what it cost to take care of him, have her be responsible and then she will never feel like she owes you anything. Which might not be a bad philosophy.

I’m trying to move on like I said, I called and set a date/time for friday, again I’m not going into a rebound, we’re seeing each other as friends, if more happens later it’s going to happen when I’m ready, if not we’ve both agreed to just be friends and that’s a pleasant reward as well.

In closing I do have one last question and then I think I’m done here. In some of your other topics on the site here that others have commented or made questions to you, one recent one stood out. It was about the wife that was married for 17 years, is now 34, and is no longer interested in her husband. I can link you to it if you like, but it was within the past few days or week I believe. She claimed she had two kids both in there teens, and she still loved her husband but she is just no longer is interested and wants to know what she’s missing out there. You actually told her to stay at least until the kids leave school and to try and see in her husband what she thinks she’s missing. I don’t want to talk about other’s issues, but I have to reference this for my question. My question is how am I ever going to know when I’m in a relationship that is worth fighting for? Will I ever know, or at the first sign of bad things, do I just walk away? That is my ultimate confusion with myself in this issue, and I’m doing as you said, trying to focus on myself in this question. How am I ever going to know? Is there some time frame? Do you have to be married? Married with kids? The thing that depresses me a lot in general is the way our divorce rate has climbed so high, it’s that no one really has the staying power any more to stick through the thick and thin of relationships.

The past two days she has initiated conversations with me having finding out I’m going to go see another woman. I don’t know if it’s jealousy, if she is second guessing herself since we all do that….OR HERE WE GO AGAIN, had to use caps for that sorry. The I miss him, I want to talk to him, I know what a good guy he was to be with, and blah blah blah. I’m right now 60-70% healed in my own self-analysis, and I agree the dynamics are unhealthy. Then what if she comes on strong April and really convinces me that this isn’t the right decision and we should give this a shot again. How am I going to resist her? You say learn from my previous relationship experiences and you also say that 22 year olds don’t always make bad decisions, or not necessarily, but she admittedly doesn’t have as much experience as I do as I’m older and have dated long term more than double the people she has. Am I stinting her growth in relationship experience by taking her back?

I’m the weakest right now to resisting her since I’m not fully healed, I know that, but once I am it will be easier to resist her come on’s and trying to get me back like she has twice before. The truth is I don’t necessarily miss the sex, miss the going out on dates, or the kisses/hugs, the issue is I miss her as the friend I had. I said that to her the day I cried a week before we broke up. I miss her as a person, and that’s what hurts the most. It’s not, not spending the rest of my life with her, that does hurt, but it’s doubly damaging when in fact you miss the friendship. I have to be honest, I don’t know if I can be friends with her after this, or will want to.

I did get some good advice, on Monday I’m going to talk to the leasing office and see if there is anyway to get out of this lease without owing thousands. I don’t think I ever mentioned that but that is why neither of us can move out, they kind of have us trapped. I’m sure it won’t work, but someone told me, sometimes they can be compassionate to these situations and will let one or both of you go due to the circumstances. I doubt it, but it’s worth a shot so I’ll go see. The sooner I can get out of here the sooner I’ll be at 100%.

Thank you so much for your responses April, whether you think they are helping or not, they really are.

You’re a treasure,

Patrick

[Legion1]

Hello April,

Thank you for the response, I really appreciate it. I’ll keep this much much shorter.

To start, that was my suspect as well, that she just wasn’t interested in me anymore. A week or two before breaking up I was actually looking up “signs that she/he isn’t interested in you anymore”. So I have already considered that and thought about it. It just hurts I guess because there was no effort on her part to try and be interested, and in that last week like I described she was showing interest again and I was even more confused the week later when we broke up. Like why would you have sex with someone 3 days before breaking up. If I had made a decision to break up with someone, I would not be having sex with them the week before that. My fear and biggest fear here is what if she wants to get back together down the road? What am I supposed to do then? I think the relationship is unhealthy because it’s an off again on again type of experience, but I don’t want to make any drastic changes in either of our lives if we’re just going to get back together again. My thought is, it isn’t healthy and I should just move on, and let her be indecisive as long as she wants to in life.

1) I didn’t think the age difference was a big difference either. But she seems stemmed on the concept that I’m ready to settle down and she’s not. Which isn’t the case. Like I said I was just enjoying our time together. Whether it’s youth or in general just immaturity I do think and know that I have personally made bad relationship choices while I was younger, and you never know when your making the right decision or not in anything in life. Whether it’s a relationship or anything else, until hindsight and then everything is so clear, and it’s almost always too late. I’m not disagreeing with you, but I’m not agreeing either, it’s more of a case of I think she needs to mature a lot more before taking on a relationship of any kind with anyone.

2) The cat issue I might not have been clear on. I have my own cat, and that was the one I wanted to get rid of. Because as I said I don’t think it’s healthy to hold on to things that remind you of someone you had good times with. It’s like my own “clean slate” method. I was just wondering if I get rid of the cat am I putting the nail in the coffin and making sure she’ll never try to come back to this, and the underlying question if within 1 or 2 weeks giving a random time frame here, she wants to get back together whether the cat is still here or not, should I honestly take her back?

The other cat is not hers, I took care of it for 2 years and basically fed and watered it through that whole time. Now because we’re breaking up I should be self-sacrificing and let her have that cat back because she has a bond with it. Call me a jerk, I’m ok, but I’m not going to let my ex walk all over me. I don’t want to split up the cats, but if she doesn’t want to work on our relationship I think I’m being overly fair in simply saying pay me for what it cost to take care of the cat and you can keep him. My mother who is biased to me probably says “she wants to have her cake and eat it to”, which I ironically agree with. She doesn’t have the right to hurt my feelings, let this whole things go on for so long and then expect me to just give things to her that aren’t hers. I’m telling you I took care of that cat when she didn’t live with me, and when she didn’t live with me in the second place I lived at during this relationship, prior to us getting our place together. I have no responsibilities to her as I am not her boyfriend anymore, and do not agree that I should just let go of that cat because she likes him more. If you want it, while you can’t take back or repay all the effort it took in caring for him, you should pay for the expenses at least. I think that is just courtesy.

3) The issue is you’re off, I was hoping you would say it’s ok for me to get rid of my OWN cat, and the other cat she can pay the expenses for as that is more or less a legal matter. I didn’t expect the remark on breaking the law, but we all break the law in our lives and none of us are innocent. I didn’t think I was drunk and the medication I’m has amplifying effects when mixed with alcohol, my fault I admit it, I should have known more about what I was taking.

I also was hoping for someone, anyone to say it’s ok for me to move on. I really was. Yeah it would be great to get back together but in that guys book I was reading I got stuck on Chapter 3 of “do you really want them back”. When I evaluate the good times and believe in love and believe that anything can be worked out through counseling or through talking even, it can’t work if only one person is trying. So while I was wanting the honest truth, you gave that to me, and ironically to what many people come here for perhaps which is there is still a chance to get back together, I’m ready to move on. I don’t let things confuse me that much, I have known since I was 16 years old that I wanted to get married, get a job, have some kids, and live a normal life. Since she went to college it’s like every thing has changed about her, including now what she is saying is her perception of me.

I haven’t changed though, in deep analysis I did abandon her in a sense because I thought it was the best thing to do in letting her study for school but I know now that it wasn’t. I should have stayed a presence in her life. But I can’t sit here and suffer forever, and I can’t sit here and have conversations about this relationship every time we sit and talk. Yes it would be great to fix all these things or whatever her disinterest is at this time, but I don’t know how to deal with people that make multiple dramatic changes in there lives. Sure I’d love to be that husband type that sticks through every moment of thick and thin, but jeez…what do you want from me.

I really am thankful for your response, and if you want to comment on whether I should take her back if she does come back to this, because she is PRONE to doing that in the past, that would help to. I’m gonna go on a date this weekend with someone else, if we can get our schedules straight, but again I’m really having difficulty with someone that changes there mind back and forth like a pendulum.

Thank you April,

Legion1

[Legion1]

I believe it’s choice and not fate or destiny. I don’t believe we are just handed things in life and I don’t believe relationships are that easy that we can just get with out “soulmate” and then be lazy and comfortable with them. I think it’s choice and I think sometimes in life we make the wrong choices and want things to work so bad with the wrong people. I think I’ve only been with one person I thought was my soul-mate years ago but I never really took much weight to the subject of soul mates.

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