poly

[poly]

Hi,
That’s a pretty complicated situation you have there. Does Josh know you are pregnant with Dan’s child? Is he okay with it/does he still want to be with you? Does Dan know anything about your thoughts on leaving? Which male figure has shown greater intentions of staying committed to BOTH your children? What about your daughter? Does she respond well to her biological father?

You have several months to figure out what you really want, don’t rush into the decision. Whoever you decide to go with, make sure it’s final. I think for your daughters sake though, you should allow her to have a say. I mean, (and I only base this on the information you have given) it seems like Daniel is more responsible and committed, because he was with you while you had a 3 month old child. (I don’t think a lot of guys rush for the opportunity to raise someone else’s child). Just because Josh has finally got his head on straight, 5 years after the fact, doesn’t mean he should get off the hook so easily. Make sure he really means it and make him PROVE it. You need stability now that you are having a family. Real love may not be as obvious at first, may get buried in daily routine, but is always there and doesn’t waiver. Make sure your feelings for Josh aren’t just “romantic” feelings that are ephemeral, and visa versa.

[poly]

I’m truly sorry about your situation, I know how badly it can hurt when you think things are going great and the other person has a different agenda. Just two weeks ago I found some messages on my boyfriend’s computer, Basically a message to a girl he was trying to date, said he liked, etc. This happened months ago, when we were still dating! He never actually went out with her, but just the fact that his mind wandered to other girls infuriated me. That and another message just killed me, and I left for the train station to go back home, I had it in my head that there was nothing he can say or do to explain himself-it was over. Since then we’ve had our talks, I’ve had my outbursts at him, he’s has his apologies. He explained that he was insecure about us and it got to the point where he had to pick with staying with me for a long time or being single again, etc. We are okay now, but after that day I know things won’t be the same, I’ll always be wary. I hope your situation works itself out where you will not be too badly hurt.

[poly]

Oh wow, well this information kind of changes things…

You’re right, it doesn’t make sense for him to be doing this, which is why you have to ask Him so you can finally make sense of it. You should not hold off on asking him, at this point, don’t concern yourself too much about how to approach him, just do it. If you think too much about it, you will only dread it more and more.

[poly]

Hello again,

You have every right to know why he’s on dating sites while dating you, so he really doesn’t have a reason to be offended. But if he IS offended, it’s probably because he feels his privacy was intruded upon. You did not purposely spy on him or rift through his computer; your girlfriend accidently saw him on dating sites. So if he feels betrayed, don’t feel guilty, and explain to him the situation.

Oftentimes it’s better to ask preliminary questions before the actual question. So maybe ask him how he feels about the relationship, how committed he is, how far he thinks it’ll go, etc. If he answers he is fully committed and happy, his explanation as to why he periodically checks dating sites should be interesting. Since you’ve had the conversation once with him before, ask him, as if simply out of curiosity, if he still goes on dating site, if he still checks on his wife, etc.

If you are finding it difficult to talk to him, maybe wait until the next time he does it, that way the subject is relevant and easier for both of you to talk about.

Anyway, I hope this all helps!

Btw, how did your girlfriend catch him on these sites? Have you seen him doing this personally? (is it possible that she mistook what she saw?)

[poly]

Hello,
I would say to confront him about it, not aggressively of course. Try to assume possible reasons as to why he is on on-line dating sites before you do talk to him, this way, you are less inclined to accept any excuse he might use, and are better able to judge his sincerity/honesty.

From personal experience, I know my boyfriend, after we would have a great bonding weekend, would re-experience the insecurities that are natural to a relationship, and briefly become ambivalent about us. It means progression. Looking through on-line dating sites may just be a harmless way for your boyfriend to cope with initial onsets of insecurity, upon passing, he accepts the progression of your relationship, and you two are stronger.

And Who knows, maybe he is checking these on-line dating sites to make sure You aren’t on there. My bf used to go on the craigslist personals first to make sure I didn’t post anything and second to see what kind of girls were out there, not to date them, more out of curiosity. Guys just have this innate curiosity to look- at porn, at other girls, whatever. It’s kind of stupid, but I’d say most of the time they are doing it as brainless activity. (Guys don’t think sometimes!)

IDK what it might be for your case, and talking to him is the only way of finding out. As you can see, the looking at online dating sites can appear as harmless brainless activity, but on the one hand, it could be a well-conceived intentional act. So, Make sure you understand his Intention, his intention is key. If he states his case and doesn’t explain himself well, make him convince you. You shouldn’t sacrifice your peace of mind and well being for anything/anyone. A healthy relationship should be able to nurture you, and be a provider of well being. If you two are in a healthy relationship, he would explain himself and not mind doing it. If he gets defensive and snappy, you know his concern is to protect himself instead of reassuring you, and that is selfish! Good luck!

[poly]

Thanks for your reply,
It was good to hear another opinion beside my own limited perspective.
He denies it still, and I’m really over asking him about it because he will only deny it more firmly. The night I confronted him about it he drove an hour at 3:00am to come see me…I think he felt guilty about lying and tried to put my mind at ease by doing this outlandish thing coming to see me. I love him, and why should I be so mad about his past (that happened before we dated)? But why does he have to lie? I don’t know, but I’ll remain uneasy about it; It doesn’t warrant a breakup in my opinion, but should I put it to rest?/Just be cautious in the future with his stories? What would you do/other people do?

[Author]

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