bandit

[bandit]

You are correct that it was a fast courtship. However, I kind of feel like I was sold a phony bill of goods on this one. Yes, she has no education, but she was once in Engineering school, which she stopped for financial reasons before we met. You are correct that I just assumed she would go back and finish someday. She certainly worked and lived on her own before shacking up with me!

I actually did have a vasectomy done after she got pregnant with our second child, the second one wasn’t planned (but I love him anyways of course). While I didn’t mention if she’s unhappy, I honestly wouldn’t know. I can’t imagine she could be in a marriage with no communication, but she is a super introvert so maybe she is satisfied.

I have attended dog shows with her in recent years, the lack of reciprocity just causes bitterness on my part though. I agree that the friend stuff is probably a good suggestion, but all my life I’ve bonded with women a lot easier than men, and frankly I fear that getting intellectual and emotional stimulation from other women with the state my relationship is in will lead to infidelity some day.

I’m going to spend some time to try to improve things, yet again, but honestly, if it can’t improve I really think I’m going to take the selfish route. I can recover from a bankruptcy, I can’t recover from being constantly unfulfilled. While your concern about the children is valid, i have to wonder if it’s more damaging for them to see mom and dad never interacting, and have dad grumpy and withdrawn, sometimes downright depressed about his lot.

[bandit]

I’ve been in a similar situation with on of my female friends back in the day. Here’s what I learned:

There’s a reason why you are friends for a long time and never become a couple. Sometimes, in the bond and comfort you have as friends, you forget what those reasons are, then you end up making out. A few things can happen then.

1. It gets weird, impacts your friendship.
2. One of you develops stronger feelings for the other, which the other doesn’t share, but wants to maintains the status quo (this also, eventually ends the friendship)
3. You both realize you’re great together, and live happily ever after.

I have very rarely heard of #3 happening. #2 is far more common. Tread carefully. I think that a mature conversation is in order where you explain to her, with no drama, how the recent actions have changed your feelings, and that you need time to deal with them if she doesn’t return them. In my experience, this is the price of fooling around with friends, unfortunately.

[bandit]

This guy just wants to hook up. He’s a flake. He’s also playing the game of testing the waters by saying something outrageous “hey lets go make love” and then backing off and playing it off as a joke if the woman doesn’t respond.

“I’m just kidding, unless you’re gonna do it.”. As a guy, this guy comes off as a player who isn’t really good at playing to me.

[bandit]

I don’t think your expectation is unreasonable. If you’re going to be married and bring children in there’s nothing wrong with expecting both parents to contribute either financially or in the case of staying home with the kids with time.

As for the car, if your relationship is that serious and he didn’t talk to you about it, that’s not showing respect to the partnership you already have. If he did ask you then just blew off your feelings, that’s not much better.

I’d say you’re not wrong. This is very important to you in a relationship, and no matter how much you like someone, if they’re not going to abide by a core principle, it’s probably not meant to be. At least you did it before kids or marriage was involved.

[Author]

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