Freddy

[Freddy]

It’s being shipped to me now…I am going to read it. Did you think I wasn’t?

[Freddy]

I ordered your book; I’m looking forward to reading it and learning about some tweaks I need to make. I decided to cancel the date we had. I was out of town at the time and decided to text and ask if she really wanted to go on another date with me, seeing she had appeared to lose interest a couple of weeks before. I got the “your really great thing and I think we are better as friends speal”. She said she would still like to go on the date with me but if I wanted to take someone else she would understand.

I was polite but told her that friends sounded good, but I don’t do 1 on 1 date nights with uninterested women…that Hiking or group events would be better. I certainly was not going to fly home and leave my training of a new job if she said that. I was going to come home too.Then she seemed to become upset!?

She was telling me it was rude to cancel last minute and that she had been invited to a ball game and declined because she had plans with me. We texted back and forth until 830pm about who called who or did or did not confirm… with my continually reminding her [politely] that she was the one who lost interest and that I simply did not feel right going on another date with her knowing that. If she was honest with me and herself she would not have been stuck home that weekend is how I see it. I may not have a lot of relationship experience but I’m not a push over either. She misjudged my niceness and must have thought I would take her out anyway.

Then I got the feeling any friendship was then out the window because she wanted to return my movie and USB drive as if she wanted nothing do do with me anymore. I don’t get it…I thought NOT seeing me romantically was what she wanted so whats with the attitude? Never the less I felt better cutting her lose and not feeling like I’m being ignored anymore. So I guess friendship and having an activity partner was not really what she wanted after all?

She said once on a hiking trip that I was single too long and was too regimented…and that I was stressed out [ugh, yea…I just lost my job at the time and had no income]

Anyway…I know now I need to loosen up a little and relax but I also need to remember not to get so caught up with the women I fall for and just not get too nice too quick either… I’m working on it. I don’t understand exactly what I did wrong because everything really was picture perfect for at least 3 weeks but even if I did everything right there could have been other issues on her side too. I can’t take all the blame for us not working out after 4-5 weeks…she had some depression issues with a recent divorce and was also stressed out thinking she was going to get laid off which I overlooked that made her less than perfect also. Oh well…se la ve

[Freddy]

It’s hard to give all the details in these posts, but we did actually go to a theater a couple of weeks ago and hiking last weekend. Her work was looking to lay off 400 people and I recently lost my job, and currently struggling to get a business off the ground. After a comedy club date [while out to a reverse happy hour] I expressed that I was living off my savings and liked taking her out, but needed to spread it out a little bit. Maybe once a week and watch DVD’s or go hiking when the heat dies down next month here in AZ.

She has tried to help me by posting flyer’s at her work for my business and I bought her flowers to cheer her up because she was stressed out over her job. She took me out to the theater after I did that. EVERYTHING was going great. Each of us were showing interest in the others life. Cooking for each other in her house and she even bought hiking gear to go with me to the trails.

She is dealing with a recent divorce and said she was not expecting it to have such an effect on her. She expressed that to me while we were on the hike. She did feel a lot better after she found out she was not losing her job and I thought things were on the up and up moving forward on her end. However, on my end, she noticed that I was stressed out over my not having an income [I’m living on my savings]living in a small one bedroom apartment and dealing with trying to get my life back in order. She also commented once that I was single for so long, I’m very regimented… I tell her I’m trying.

She said she had a wedding to go to last week but did not know the woman that well and decided to go hiking with me instead. Then on Monday night at her house, she said the wedding was not last week but instead this week while I was leaving. This was the first week we went into a weekend without plans. I texted her on the day of the wedding to ask how it was and if she had a good time and I got a short response and nothing over the weekend to say “hey”.

I do have a date set up with her to see a comedian next Sunday but am afraid to call or text her in fear that she is starting to back off. We were together every weekend for 4 weeks straight for a total of 10+ dates and now a weekend of silence and short text responses? Can you go from cuddling on the couch, hugs and kisses to a possible game changer that quickly?

I could have gotten too stressed out over my current job situation or she may have not wanted to go through my learning curve seeing I am new to dating but it seems odd that she showed so much interest and then POOF – nothing? I don’t know what I should do next. I was thinking that I would not text her until Thursday and confirm our next date and if she is busy again this weekend take that as a sign and move on?

I hope I’m wrong but something in my gut tells me there is a problem someplace. I was so close this time, I hope it wasn’t me. I was dealing with her issues too.

[Freddy]

No; I didn’t know at the time I submitted the question that the posts were viewed by moderators and did not show up right away. I thought there was a problem and re-posted. Sorry.

[Freddy]

Actually April, it does help. I’ve got an idea…Thanks!

[Freddy]

Thanks again April. You’re right…big deal if I get rejected. What is at risk anyway? My ego? She seemed to be up front with me about everything…maybe she was not lying, maybe I saw it as a negative when I should have seen it as a positive? It’s like she just gave me a road map. I know exactly what her issues are and what she is currently doing to correct them. None of which seemed to have anything to do with me. She never let me down or go…she explained herself and her situation to me willingly.

In a previous thread you had said – “If she’s dwelling on a break up that happened over a year or so ago, she may have some more complex issues to work through before she’s any fun.”

It seems obvious [I feel it in my gut] that she is not ready for anything at this moment. That may be why she pulled away. If she is interested, we both know where things are going to go if we keep seeing each other; so maybe she realized that she could not give that to me right now and she had to put on the breaks.

I believe that based upon what she said she won’t be ready for anything until she moves in with her mother [gets out of the house from that divorce] and gets another job. She even mentioned the possibility of just quitting the current job.

How do I give her the space she needs and keep myself around for that second date? She may not be ready for up to a few months and I don’t want to give up. When she is ready SOMEONE will be there pursuing her…why not me?

What do you think about calling her once a week or two to say hello and see what she’s up to? Based upon her attitude during these calls and what is going on in her life at the time I would know when to ask for that second date.

Does that sound like a good plan?

[Freddy]

That nice guy thing is a crock. Women do want nice guys; they just don’t want puppy dogs. Women like a guy who is confident with themselves. It’s OK to tell a girl you like that your busy with other things and can’t call them back right away or go out that day. It’s OK to disagree with them during a conversation and have your own opinion. It’s hard to respect anyone who does and agrees with everything you say. Have a personality!

Women like sex as much as guys do but if you are afraid to touch them or look them in the eyes confidently they will only see you as thier freind…like a brother.

Most guys that won’t make a move on a woman do so because they are not confident. They think ‘how could I do that…she may not like it if I do that’. Well, if you’re confident, you think ‘why would she not want me to’? I’m good looking, I’m funny and she probably likes me because hey…why would’nt she like me? I’m a great catch.

It’s our job as men to pursue. Women don’t spend all that time looking beautiful to not be noticed. I personally don’t know any women who want to be treated poorly by a man or who likes a jerk. If they do they have issues and you are better steering clear of them anyway.

And if you get rejected…welcome to the club! You will never know unless you try and unless you try you will never find those who are interested in you.

Getting rejected sucks but the only thing at risk is your ego so if you can get over that you will better off.

[Freddy]

I’m not sure…I’m really not an expert. I just know that I am 38 now and I know that taking a back seat in life will not get you closer to your dreams. I would not want to put her on the spot to where she feels she has to make a decision to want you romantically OR be your freind.

When I did it, I brought up a moment in the past that I wish had turned out different and listened for her response.

[Freddy]

Something similiar happened to me years ago; I never told her how I felt. Years later I said to her “do you remember that night I dropped you off at your moms house? I wanted to come in with you so bad”; She said “why did’nt you say anything!?”

It’s scary to try and advance on someone who is your freind. I would try to find some way to express yourself without being to heavy about it. Keep it light so she is not put on the spot. If you do it without putting her off the worst that could happen is staying where you are now.

[Freddy]

I thought the same thing. I mean…who would do that at the age of 30 rather than just say “I’m not ready for a relationship right now?” Thats an easy thing to say to someone to give them the hint that they are not romantically interested without being mean.

I have never encountered a situation like this before. Usually the woman is initially interested and through a few dates you may find that you are not a match or there is no chemistry. Or, they are not interested and don’t even give you a phone number in the first place.

Now I’m in my late 30’s dating women who have older childern and have X husbands in their life and maybe I am not understanding how the dating game has changed? I have never been married and have no kids. My life is much easier. Maybe thats why I don’t understand and feel confused.

[Freddy]

Thank you for that advice. I was thinking about doing that but you really put in perspective for me.

[Author]

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