serendipidous55

[serendipidous55]

Well, we all need help and when we need it , it seems urgent. But the truth is that this is not life or death.

In your mind, it is urgent. So maybe doing other things with other people would fill your mind so that you do not obsess about it. get some perspective.

She is not on the same page as you are. Where she is in this relationship is not at all clear. So the truth is that you probably got sexually involved, that sex can be very bonding for some and for others it is just sex, and sounds like you bonded emotionally and she didn’t.

You never close a deal or get a deal in buisness if you are not willing to leave it. That is to say you have no negotiating power in biz if you want to buy an asset or close a deal at any cost- people act desperate in biz too.

If you feel emotionally desperate, then probalbly it is not love, it is unfilled emotional needs within you. And filling wholes within us through other people… well, it never works long term. Short time is glue but not a long term basis for a great relationship.

I suggest you adopt a better attitude towrds yourself.. wow, I am the prize; she is lucky to be with me; if she wants me, let her show it.

It could be that she is not emotionally mature too. Maybe she likes men who don’t like her and rebuff men who like her? You know, the old chase mentality. Well, there is always an element of that even in a healthy relationship, but it is rooted in insecurity and offers no long term foundation for true love.

On the plus side, you seem to be an emotional and sensitive man and there are plenty of women who crave that in a relationship!

Good luck. have fun. take a closer look at some other babes out there whike she is chillin’.

[serendipidous55]

I suggest you go back to April’s advice and read it again and again and again and again until it becomes part of the fabric of your mind and heart.

You are the prize; not him.

He wins you; not you win him.

He appreciates you and courts you; not you him.

And when he has done all that, you respond with love.

it takes a LOT of courage to leave that relationship. Something is better than nothing but in the end, I think you will have something worse than nothing. You will have wasted time, energy and heart on a troubled relationship.

If he doesn’t chase after you, then there was nothing there.

Good luck.

[serendipidous55]

It seems as if you have a rather sweet and innocent approach to being with men and that both of you are not particualrly experienced in developing a relationship. This is not all bad. Experience does not necesssarily mean success. But I think it is true that a man has to take the lead in the relationship .He must take the initiative to get to know you. If I thought he were really shy, I might tell him that I like his company and would like to get to know him better but that I don’t pursue men, that they pursue me. So it is not overly heavy. You made your interest in him clear. He can take the ball and go with it or not. If he can’t take that bait, well, then, I think he is not able to take any bait. You do not need to be in the business of hand holding a man to show him how to court you. Best of luck. You seem like a nice person.

[serendipidous55]

I think four years is long enough in a relationship for you to 1 have clarity about whether it is right for you to move there or not 2. to decide if you are getting married ( if someone asked me to MOVE to be neatr him, I think I would make that BIG decision if there was a BIG decision he was making for my benefit) 3. not be playing games in communications ( it sounds immature that he turns on and off and invites you to chat rooms etc.)

At BEST RELATIUONSHIPS ARE CHALLENGING. tHEY REQUIRE GOOD COMMUNICATION; RELIABILITY AND RESPONSIBILITY; A WILLINGNESS TO COMMIT; AND MATURITY. It does not sound that this relationship has most of those elements. That is not to say that you are a bad or immature person; it may be that the relationship does not bring out the best in you. I am a mature woman but when I am on the dance floor of life, the man is still leading….. Give it some thought and while you are thinking, go on the web internet sited and see the scores of men in your area and look at their profile. If you are the least bit interested or thinking your dar wawasy lover is lacking, then really consider moving on…..

[serendipidous55]

There are ways to tell someone and ways to not tell someone. Here is a way that could work: I want to pay you a compliment. “I have gotten to know you over the past several weeks and I think you are ( funny? nice to be around? make people comnfortable? interesting to talk to? ) and I think you always look great! I understnad you ae dating ” joe schmoe” but if things don’t work out, I want you to know that I would be interested in dating you. ANd if things are going well now for you, then I hope it just gets better. ” If sonmeone said that to me, I wold accept the compliment and fel great and understand that my existing relationship is being respected and that I can go out with you if I decide to end it.

Good luck!

[serendipidous55]

Hi!

Let’s get some feedback as to what your new game plan is, what priorities you ahve established for dating, etc.

It may be that you are bored by the women. If you are aking them out again and they are declinign, that is feedback to you. If you are not asking them out after one night escapades, then that is different. I think I wrote previously that you need to value a woman for more than sex- forher insight, her humor, her companionship, her ability to cause you to grow personally, her support in a career, her ability to be a good parent, etc.

Let’s here from you!

[serendipidous55]

Well, you have one life to live. If she is really special, if you knwo she is meant for you, then go for broke, lay all the cards on the table, swing for the bleachers. The friend with whom she is currently affiliated is not your best bud… maybe an acquaintance. Tell him that you are going for her or not. But is she is really special, then go for it. You already realized the error of your ways by not asking her out initially. DOn’t compound the error!

[serendipidous55]

April’s advice is perfect. Be a classy guy ..why? because you are one. Handle as APril suggests. It is excellent practice for similar things which will inevitably happen in the future. It is not swallowing your pride. It is refusing to be emotionally or socially engaged witha person who is not worth the effort.

[serendipidous55]

Good news! Seems like you have elements to your life under control and congrats on being picking!! Intelligence, character, personality, nice looks, humor …. all will make you stand out form the crowd and possibly intimidate some men who don’t have their life as intact. So what would I do? Definitely not lower my standards but rather increase yuor exposure to MR Right. I suggest writing a GREAT profile and get great pics and go on line at a dating site. Now the key is to be specific as to what characteristics in a mn you are looking for. There is a needle in the haystack a nd online dating actually facilitates finding those needles!

Go for the GOLD! Swing to hit it out of the ball park! Do not, DO not retreat to the bleachers !!!!

[serendipidous55]

Since you are searching, you are definitely taking a first step forward.

People don’t usualy stop eating candy and cake cold turkey. Thye lay out a game plan and make changes and reward themselves in different ways than sweets.

heavy people usually don’t start exercising by runnung a marathon. They get into a gym and strt slowly.

What would it look like to you to make a list of 5 girls that ar possible long term relationships ( or go to your friends or their girlfriends) and tell them you want to develop a long term relationship and could they introduce you to someone who meets your general list? Don’t tellme girls don’t know other girls and that the girl you like doesn’ have nice friends…. Then you COMMIT to taking them out each 2-3 times. You commit to not sleeping with them on those dates. And you commit to thinking about what you really want to accompk,ish with your life and how a woman might fit into that…ie if you want to be in corporate biz, having a classy lady is better than a blonde with a specific height; if you want to ahve kids someday, then hang with girls that you would want to see raising your own children. Bud, take pen or pencil in hand and start to put down in writing your dreams , your goals and make some simp0le commitments to yourself.

I also suggest that you deal with your insecurities. Yes the whole world is insecure esp the billionaires…and the beauty queens. I found myself thru the AL ANon program. I never had agreat self image… ating back to childhood. Some say very good looks, very affluent, extremely well educated, very successful, very sweet and guess what… for a long time I was very insecure. But I share with you so that you can get this address sooner rathe than later because unitl you do, it clouds your vision, it distorts your decisionmaking and it limits the potential for your life.

Can’t you tell…. April and I are cheering for you !!!!! So play ball, bud and get back to us with an action plan. Your plan. Your commitment to yourself.

[serendipidous55]

It would seem to me that you need to set your priorities and stick to them. If your priority is to have something more than a one night stand sex, then you need to develop new behaviors and break old behaviors. But sex is extremely gratifying and you have a long term behavior that is ingrained. This is not a behavior which causes physical pain- but at some level it causes you psychic pain, emotional void, ….something at a deeper level.

So think about how you change your other behaviors… cold turkey or committing to a new way of doing things, getting a friend to whom you are accountable, writing down goals. Also, spend time with people who have good ,deep, longf term relationships; they can incentivize you to act differently.

Animals have non discriminating sex. But can we agree that you ae much higher than an animal? That there are parts of you longing to enjoy companionship, interesting conversation, fun and funny times, a woman who can help you achieve more in a career..

We move toward pleasure and away from pain. Make a long term relationship a pleasureable thing in your mind and seriously ponder the painful consequences of continuing with one night sex … there are painful consequences.. AIDS, Diseases, emotional shut down, not having kids, being known as the one night stand guy..

Honestly, you sound like a nice guy… your future could be so much brighter, so much bigger, so much more rewarding to you if you choose new behaviors and grow up. Are any of these one night stand women going to be there for you when you need help? when life isn’t so rosey. Think of your self as the best and on a path to achieving the best and how great it would be to have an intelligent, classy, funny, beautiful woman cheering you on!! God has a better plan than what you have laid out for yourself. Serendipidous55

[serendipidous55]

The number one issue is what is best for the three children or at minimum what environment is best for them. This man is their father even if not your husband. In many states, a long time relationship is established by common law marriage- at least legally. It may hurt that marriage is not an offer on the table but you basically trained him that it didn’t have to be a deal maker.

As to Bill, it is probably fantasy to go so far back intime to a casual relationship and think that this past could be the basis for a sound new relationship. Best is to do right by your children and work at your exsiting relationship and over time see if marriage can be in the cards. But if you do not love your man, then you need to consider leaving and those consequences and establish who you are as a person before going into a new relationship confused at best and immature at worst.

[serendipidous55]

It seems that you relate to women in only a superficial way – sexually. This may be a stage of life or you have trained yourself to get sexual satisfaction and move on. I would think that you either view women as sexual objects ( possibly your upbringing embraced that) or you are sexually confident but very insecure about the rest of yourself. ie Insecure that the rest of you can not compete or attract a woman.

[serendipidous55]

It is extremely difficult to right a sinking ship but that is exactly the business that God is in! I suggest you recognize that you need to get involved in a spiritual program which offers practical ideas for healthy daily living and relationships. A program which is free is Al Anon which is offered at Alcoholic Anonymous centers. You could get a sponsor who would help you work the 12 step program and you might find a moral compass for living and practical tools for healthy relationships. Somewhere along the way, you got lost or you were not raised with these core values. But there need not be any judgment against you. Everyone makes mistakes. We need to stop making the same mistakes over and over. I strongly suggest getting some core spiritual and moral support. You are young and your ship can be righted and you can face smooth sailing in years to some!

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