[katdawg]

Hot diggity dog! AWESOME! I totally agree with April on that last post!

[katdawg]

[quote=”optimistvik”]between this destiny or choice – i go with both, we can have lot of choices, when you have choice to select have to be careful since its life accounts.[/quote]
I agree with this poster; I also think it can be both. Someone coming into our life’s path is destiny. Making that person your life time partner is a choice.

[katdawg]

I totally agree with what Anon posted (April as always). Very well put.

[katdawg]

I can understand why you’re confused. You’ve known him for three years, has he always been the type to not back up his words with actions? He doesn’t seem to be backing them up even though you even thought his comment was a bit exaggerated (which it was). You shouldn’t really expect another person to provide ALL of your needs but you two ARE spending time together. Express your need for more one on one time without his friends and if he doesn’t want to consider your needs maybe you should consider moving on if that’s a deal breaker for you. The two of you are young, you’re still a teenager. It is healthy to have friends and a life outside of your relationship; you can’t lose yourself in your relationship because that is where resentment starts to grow. Your reigns on him ARE a little bit too tight and if you’re not careful it will push him away because he’s being suffocated. Your twenties is where life begins and you start to figure out and experiment with life. You might end up causing unnecessary anxiety within your own self because you seem to have a need to micro-manage every hour of your life. Relax a little; you still see each other, talk and text so it’s not like he’s deciding to cut all communication with you. He may not be returning your texts at night because you’re overwhelming him with them. When your parents put too many things on your plate don’t you tend to throw your hands up in the air and want to shut down?

[katdawg]

If you are married why are you more concerned about a man in your office who has hot and cold behavior rather than being concerned about your spouse sitting at home? Do you have an open marriage where you can see, flirt, develop feelings for someone outside your relationship? Would you be okay with your spouse having the same behaviors you’re acting out? How would you feel if he came home and told you he had been flirting with a woman at his work place, but the flirting went a step further and he has committed adultery? It sounds like you wanting to push your limits and are hoping for more than just flirting otherwise you wouldn’t be so concerned with this.

If you want to be with this man at your office why not do the right thing and leave your husband first IF you don’t have children. IF you have children you should really take a look and get help for your why you are behaving this way.

[katdawg]

I am having a hard time understanding what you’ve written. The whole story is basically about a dysfunctional relationship where he doesn’t offer you anything you are wanting and needing, he’s cheated on you more than once, twice (what is your standard?), but you’re settling for what you are getting. On the other hand you are calling this “the beautiful relationship you are now building”? You say he’s not your perfect guy nor everything you want in a guy. So why are you with him? You are a young 19 year old college student working to be a therapist AND you’re a very attractive girl. WHAT makes this guy so special you are willing to lower your standards and defer your energy from your education to him when he’s not your perfect guy?

The problem with having sex with someone before you really know who they are and whether they possess everything you want in a “man” is that the emotions over run your intelligent mind. Sex aside – would you still want to be with him?

Take a few classes or get a hobby or two that helps you gain self-esteem. You are scared to leave because you’re afraid you won’t find anyone better but you WILL but you won’t be able to if you are held up with this guy.

You do have a choice and you can choose to have everything you want. Sometimes in order to reach that goal you have to do away with and choose NOT to have certain things in your life.

[katdawg]

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this at your age. I made the same mistake but I was nineteen. At that time I didn’t know any better that I had a choice. I’m proud of you for standing your ground in that you are choosing not to have an abortion but are stepping up to the plate and taking your mistake and new responsibility seriously. It is painful to realize how huge this changes your life forever. What’s done is done and you now have to reassess your life, which you are doing.

At one point you stated that the legal sexual consensual age in your area is 16 but then said, “Then the sex, he doesn’t understand that no means no.” You may have consented at one point but it has become an invasion of your body. The definition of rape is the crime of forcing another to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse. I have to say that is not the type of man I would want around my children nor raising them. You can go to the police and press charges on him. If anything get a restraining order on him and leave the relationship that you so desire to. I suggest you start to document everything that he does that invades your right to your and your child’s safety. He sounds dangerous to me. I don’t think you’ll have a problem with him coming near you because you go to him, but you should discontinue that if you are saying you don’t want to see him. ??? Why are you making the trip and spending your money? That doesn’t make sense. You have the control in that sense.

You are lucky to have the support of your whole family because you will need THEM (not your current man) to help you through parenting. I would take advantage of your family’s offer to help you and continue your education so that you can set the foundation for providing a good life for your child in the future. Your family should be very proud of you for owning up to your mistake and growing up about it. That man – should be history based on the story of his not respecting your no and continuing to pressure you to have sex with him. Eww

[katdawg]

Oh my gosh really? What about college? What about continuing your education? Why are you worrying about making life easier and “safer” for a 23 year old adult by giving him assurance you won’t leave him? It should be the opposite. At seventeen it is easy for your heart to overtake your still growing mind. I was sixteen dating a nineteen year old. In my case I didn’t have interactive parents; my parents were too busy fighting with one another to pay attention to what their daughter was up to. Whatever your situation is…what do your parents think about your boyfriend? Do they like him or approve of him and encourage you to be with him? You’re only seventeen with a lot of life ahead of you. You are going to live your life the way you want and follow your own path, but you will save yourself a lot of heartache by listening to April’s advice. Take it from a thirty-seven year old who has been in your shoes but has been through a lot of hardship to get to where I am. Save yourself from that and get out of that relationship now. It will be hard and it will be painful but YOU WILL have a lot more loves in your life trust me.

[katdawg]

The words you are using to describe him does not match his actions from what I can tell. To me it sounds like he’s taking a free ride and you are settling rather than waiting for the man that can and will meet your needs.

He admitted he is not romantic and finds it hard to be affectionate. You should take his word for it; men are usualy what you’ll get. It is true women are more adaptable than men are. He sounds like he’ll be a great friend, as he has been, but as far as a lover goes I don’t think he’s compatible to you. If you need affection and romance and he’s not that type he’s the wrong “lover” for you. If he was devoted to you he would contribute to the household financially and if he was a real man he would step up and take on that male role in your house.

You mentioned you were lucky to have a man (that’s not quite so devoted) because you have two kids, but why put all this energy in working so hard to please a man that is just taking you for granted….wouldn’t you want to save that energy to raise your children and be patient for a “real” man that will treat you the way you WANT to be treated?

[katdawg]

If you really do love each other and want to be with each other than the both of you would be acting loving towards each other instead of what is happening here. If she really loved you she wouldn’t allow her ex to be staying at her house knowing that it upsets you. That is not acting loving in my book. You may not be doing anything right in her book but why not put your time into someone who thinks everything you’re doing is right? I think your heart is in it but hers is not. You should consider moving on.

[katdawg]

You’re not being selfish; you simply can’t afford a gift that extravagant. Maybe you can ask the band members if they can pitch in on a group gift or you can get him a Visa gift card for what you can afford and tell him it’s towards his guitar. OR save up for a while and maybe by his next birthday you can REALLY surprise him with that gift. He should understand if his finances aren’t that great either.

[katdawg]

I totally agree about dating men that are already dads. I may be eliminating many potential loves but I have made a choice not to date em. You will always be the third wheel in that situation. He has a responsibility to his child and he will always, always, be involved (if he’s a good father) in his child’s life, as well as his child’s mother. His first priority and person to get his attention is his child. I, personally, wouldn’t want to get in the way of that. It is already bad enough the child has to go through life with parents living separately and then to add another woman/man who threatens the possibility of them getting back together is hurtful. To be with a man with kids takes a lot of confidence in themselves, compassion, and understanding for what the child is going through. I just wouldn’t want to be a part of causing more pain for the child. Been there, done that (twice), and choosing not to do it again.

[katdawg]

heck no, I don’t have a Ph.D. (not even close, just a high school diploma) although, everyone in my family is pressuring me to go back to college; i just don’t have 60k to pay for a piece of paper to prove i’m smart. i have A LOT of years of street smarts, dysfunctions, soul searching and learning from wonderful people like you and many others in your field. you should see all the books lining my shelves, yours included. everything in my life has so come together for me now and i have never seen things so clearly than i do today. it’s wonderful. you’re a part of my journey, April, and i hope to one day be just as awesome as you! need someone to mentor? 😀

[katdawg]

hmmmm…i agree. if it’s out of character for him i would be wondering too. you can however take his attention back so that he won’t want to flirt with someone else. ?? when was the last time you put on some kinky lingerie, set the dinner table romantically with candles and his favorite meal, sent him teasing texts, etc? have YOU stopped dating him? you may be together but it doesn’t stop just because you are a couple. if the let the pilot extinguish the man’s short attention span will look for someone to re-light it. i think it’s in April’s book.

[katdawg]

you can’t. :O( but you can look at it as a positive thing rather than negative. how great is it to be alive to even have these feelings and emotions; it just means we’re human. i still have deep feelings for a man but he’s an alcoholic and any dreams i have about being with him, getting married or having children is all a fantasy. it all seems great and i put him on such a high pedestal before i lost sight of reality. being an alcoholic he is very unpredictable and hot n cold. i don’t want a man like to be the father of my children but he’s a great friend still and we still talk. i can’t change anyone to be someone else; he has to find that within himself. i hope he does for his own sake. it’s already too late for us. there is nothing wrong with being friends with him, having feelings for him, or even being with him so long as you understand he is who he is and as long as you accept that….GREAT! One thing is for certain: it is very hard being a girlfriend/spouse to someone in the military. you have to be really confident, self sufficient, trusting, caring, and understanding just to name a few. i was married to one for nine years and we’re now divorced; i wasn’t that type of woman before. best of luck to you. bask in your feelings and enjoy them,,,,they are great to feel. just don’t allow yourself to get hurt.

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