jbjb2010

[jbjb2010]

Hi April,

Great idea and here is what I came up with:

1-When in the right situation, I will communicate more honestly with my wife about what I like and what I would like her to do instead of backing up immediately and feeling frustrated if she doesn’t seems into it.
2-I will try to negotiate with her and offer her to do something in return. Even though I have asked her in the past if there was anything she would like to try and she said no, I will be more persuasive and try to find something she wants or can’t refuse!
3-I will try to learn to accept myself and the things I like in bed, instead of feeling ashamed about it.

You are probably right when you say that I have self esteem issues, I never really realized it until you mentioned it, I just thought I was a very humble person and always felt I shouldn’t deserve more than what I really needed. I always shy away from taking credit in my work, even when it is fully deserved. I do not know where this issue comes from or how to find out. So achieving #3 will be challenging because I don’t know where to start!

[jbjb2010]

No I haven’t tried because I cannot think of anything she really wants. She is not the kind of person who wants material things. I’ve tried to get her to open up about things she likes in bed but she says she doesn’t really have preferences. She is a very laid back person and talking about sex has always made her a bit uncomfortable… I feel that if I don’t insist, we would always revert back to plain vanilla sex, she never initiates to do something I like in bed unless I ask her (or beg for it!) and it get’s frustrating overtime.

[jbjb2010]

Hi April,

I just turned 40 and have been married for about 12 years. I have started to notice a change in what arouse me in the last few months, for some reason, I need a lot more stimulation to get aroused and in the mood to have sex with my wife. By stimulation, I mean props and things that turns me on. For me that’s lingerie, makeup, perfume etc… I have a really tough time getting in the mood if my wife is wearing sweatpants, baggy clothes or anything that it is not sexy. My wife has a hard time understanding this, she thinks sex should be spontaneous and shouldn’t require work! What should I do!?

[jbjb2010]

Hi April, here is more details on my situation and why I struggle accepting my sexual preference: I have a really strong smoking fetish. I get extremely sexually aroused seeing a beautiful woman smoking a cigarette. The problem is that both my wife and I are extremely healthy individuals and neither of us smoke, we both think it is a nasty habit. This is why it took me so long to admit to myself I had this fetish and to reveal it to my wife 😳

To my big surprise, my wife doesn’t think it is a big deal and she is fine with indulging me, as long as it is not too often (no more than a few times per month). She just smokes without inhaling but it is more than enough to turn me on 😀 . Even though she doesn’t like smoking, I think a part of her really enjoys the effect it has on me. Looks like she is having fun with it which is great. Using my fetish has led to the best sex since we’ve been together for both of us. That being said, she doesn’t initiate often, so I have to ask her, which makes me feel like I am corrupting her or getting her to do something wrong and it makes me feel conflicted.

Her accepting my fetish has been such a relief for me and has brought us closer together, but I still struggle fully accepting it myself. I have a tough time separating my real life and what we do in the bedroom.

Is it just a phase because this is all very new? Will it get easier for me to accept and even embrace my fetish as time goes by?

[jbjb2010]

Hi April,

Thanks for your insight on this 🙂. You are bang on when you mention I am feeling guilt about accepting what I like and getting her to participate in it. I have to work on this and accept it is a part of me and embrace it more rather than feeling bad about it. I guess it will take time to get use to it.

I also like your suggestion about approaching the whole thing as a problem to solve. It won’t be easy to find something she wants in return, she is not a demanding person so I will have to think hard about this one!

What I struggle with is the asking part. I hate to ask especially that a part of me feels that some of my preferences in bed are weird, so I feel like I am pressuring her to do something wrong 😕

Hopefully time and practice will make it easier for me to be comfortable asking for what I want or at least negotiate or bargain for what I want 😉

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