joe2424

[joe2424]

Hey Djobrein!

You’re not alone in this, as my wife likes to “check,” on her ex’s every now and then on the computer too, and every so often they’ll try and contact her. I firmly believe that these websites such as MYSpace, and some of the other ones have caused more hard feelings than they are worth, and they are almost like an online night club. You never know where an old GF/BF might show up. Your concerns are valid, and it sounds like a very serious conversation is in order, because you are having a hard time trusting him? I mean, you say he’d never cheat on you, and if you believed that 100%, then why would you care who the heck he’s taking too, or what website he’s on right? You sound insecure, and with your husband surfing dating sites you should be. A marriage with people hiding things is bound to fail eventually, so sit him down and have a brutal honest chat about it. Get it all in the open without yelling at each other, and work out a compromise. A married man has no business on a dating website, and if he’s emailing ex’s behind your back, I would throw the flag, and call a penalty. There could be a million reasons why he’s doing this, so find out the truth.

[joe2424]

Hey Brownman,

Well, when you say schooling, do you mean college? I know what you’re going through as I’ve been there myself. I was dating a real knockout through college, and all of the sudden, one day she was confused. Being a 19 year old at the time, being bull headed, I let her go, and regreted it for quite a while. Some years later I ran into her on the internet, and she told me that with her schoolwork, and social life at the time, she just wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, and the feelings she had for me scared her. She knew she would be moving, wasn’t sure if I would go with her, and she was insecure about the future. Plus, college was party time for her when she wasn’t studying, and that had something to do with it also. She just didn’t have the time. If you like this girl then follow your gut. Not to freak you out, but there is not another guy involved is there? Hopefully she’ll come around, and realize what she gave up. You sound like a good guy, and I firmly believe that if it’s meant to be, then that’s what’s going to happen. Not sure if I gave you any great advice, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone!

[joe2424]

Okay, got a new development. Had a long chat with my wife about what is expected of each other, and our future plans. I showed her what I had posted on here, and now we are finally talking seriously. She thought that I was just being stupid, she didn’t really think it bothered me that bad I was just jealous, and that we can work this out. So, we need your help. In your opinion, how often is too often for a girls, or guys night out? What behaviors would you think are acceptable, and what is not? Does a married person belong in a bar without their spouse? We realize that everyone is different, and we should keep things acceptable that we both can live with, but we are interested in what your opinions are. Thanks!

[joe2424]

Ha! Hey, you’re not alone! I’ve got the same issue in reverse! My wife will not open up unless she is absolutely ticked off about something. Getting her to tell me what’s up, or how she is feeling, is like pulling teeth. At our wedding when she was saying her vows to me, I choked up, because that was the first time I’ve heard those kind of words coming from her mouth, and it was the last! Anytime I try to express any kind of displeasure, or whatever is bothering me, it turns into a fight. Here is what I learned from her. I point blank asked her why she would bottle things up, refused to talk things out, and could never express her feelings for me. Her reply was that first, she hates confrontation, and the way I present things sometimes, sounds like I’m looking for a fight. Second, she has never been comfortable talking about things that involve feelings. Why she can’t tell me face to face why she loves me is still a mystery! Here’s what works for us. Instead of talking face to face, she will email me any problems she has. It’s childish in my eyes, but if that’s what it takes to keep the lines of communication open, I’m all for it. The issues that you have to watch out for are that you can’t read body language, or sometimes things are taken wrong on an email. Plus, it’s not intimate at all. I have changed the way I approach certain things with her. I have taken a more “beat around the bush,” tactic to get a point across. This guy you describe sounds like a good man. Could it be that he’s just not comfortable expressing himself, or maybe doesn’t like confrontation?

[joe2424]

Okay, I got you. I just asked my wife what she thought, and here is what she said. She first asked if it was possible that she likes you back, and was being shy, maybe waiting for you to make your move? It also seems possible that she’s playing games? There is also the fact she may never have got your message. The wife suggests to go for it! Send this girl an email, and tell her that you want to ask her on a date, and you would be honored if she said yes. Confidence is an attractive quality to most women. You are obviously a sensitive guy, and that’s a good thing. Just don’t be too sensitive. Get off your butt, and do something about it! Life is way too short to live with regrets, or be wondering what if? What is the worse thing that’s going to happen? She doesn’t write you back, or tells you no thanks? You’ve got nothing to lose here. Is it possible to send her flowers, maybe to where she works?

My wife is going to write your email for you:

Hi (name)

I was just thinking about you, so I thought I’d send you a message, and it’s been way too long since our last chat don’t you think? How have you been? Things are good here. Hey, I noticed on your MySpace page that you were in search of the perfect guy? Well, I’m not perfect, but I would love to take you out sometime, and show you how imperfect I am! lol. Going by that last email I sent you already know! The email I sent may have been a little out there, but it’s what I was feeling at the time, and I’m just a dork like that. I didn’t mean for you to stop emailing me, that’s the last thing I wanted. So, let’s get together here in the near future, I miss our chats, and I’d like to hear how you’re doing! I know it’s an old cliche’, but I’d rather us be friends than to stop talking all together! Hope to hear from you soon!

There you go buddy! Keep me posted!

[joe2424]

Hey JesseKim,

Here to help, been there and done that! Ok, what is going to settle you man down is age. He’s at a maturity level right now that is difficult to deal with for the both of you. The more he presses the issue, the less you want to do it right? Happens to the best of them. What he needs to realize is that you’re not a 7-11, and you’re not open for business 24-7. My now wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, told me that if I don’t quit my B.S. that she would close up shop completely. Well, that got my attention real quick, and I backed off. I started working for it, and doing things to make her want to have sex! You shouldn’t ever feel that you need to have sex to keep your man. If this relationship is the real deal, and you love each other unconditionally, then sex cannot break it apart. No one likes to argue, but stick to your guns. Is there a compromise that can be worked out? I’m afraid moving in together will just make it worse as it stands right now. What else can you say other than he’s 19, and doesn’t know squat about treating his women. Your BF is in for a rude awakening when he comes to grips that the women has the Vajayjay, and she is in control of the sex life! Make sure you think things out completely before you do something drastic. He sounds like an alright guy, he’s just horny! Let him get mad, he’s got to learn this lesson eventually, might as well be now! Good luck!

[joe2424]

I’m in total agreement with Jessekim. The last thing you want is for her to think you don’t trust her. You didn’t say how long you’ve been together, and I might ask her why she wants to go in the first place especially without you. There is nothing wrong with her hanging out with friends, but she should also take your feelings into account, and realize you’re not exactly cool with it. Ask if you can go too, and if she says, “no,” then I would raise some questions. What is considered controlling? Well, telling her that she’s not going to do something because you said so. Trying to plan someone’s life for them. Demanding things, like dinner on the table at 5:00. That kind of stuff I think is way too controlling. There are other ways to get your point across, and it all boils down to communication. Every good relationship has it, and sometimes you have to just leave it up to them to make the right choice.

[joe2424]

Well, how long have you been dating her, and how strong is your relationship? Has she had infidelity problems in the past? I hear you on this one bud, why would she want to go in the first place? I would not like it either, but do you trust her? This IS how a lot of relationships get messed up, but at least she told you right? On the other hand, how is this guy a friend? A friend to me is someone I talk too, or hang out with all the time. So they run into each other at a restaraunt and now their BFF’s? What I would have liked her to tell him, is that she is with someone else now, and it wouldn’t be right. But, for the relationships sake, I would leave it up to her, and tell her your not comfortable with it, but she’s free to go as she pleases. No one wants to be told they are NOT going to do something, and it may want her to go even more. I would just sit back on this one, and let her make her own decision. If your feelings are important to her, then she’ll probably take a raincheck with this guy, and you’ll come out smelling like a rose.

[joe2424]

Thinking right… thanks for the reply, and I’m sorry for what happened to you! I may have left a couple of things out after I reread my post. The bar that she hangs out in most is a place where both of us are on a first name basis with the owner, and we know a lot of the staff. Plus, there are usually several mutual friends there on any given weekend. I guess what I’m saying is, she would have to be real sneaky if something along the infidelity lines were being crossed, because I would hear about it eventually, even though the place is packed.

I don’t buy the whole email thing either. There is a whole other reason she is doing it, but I can’t figure it out. She absolutely hates confrontation, so her excuse seemed believable at one time, but now she’s got me wondering.

Believe me, I’ve tried yelling, being nice, compromising, understanding, you name the approach, I’ve tried it. Her friends hang out at the bar on weekends, and she sits at home all week by herself, and on the weekend wants to be with her friends since I’m usually working. This is her reasoning, and justification. This is true, because two of her bridesmaids, she had trouble remembering their last names. Bar friends. I have requested, and even tried to help her find a hobby to relieve some of the boredom. No go. She gets out of work at three. Comes home and takes a two hour nap. Gets something to eat. Tries to stay up until I get home, but I tell her to get some sleep. She was on a schedule that would vary her hours a little so she could sleep in, but 7-3 monday through friday with weekends off so she could go out was the plan. So I have taken the approach that if she does me over then it happens I guess. There isn’t a whole lot I can do about it now except sit back and watch.

[joe2424]

Right on MrsV!

[joe2424]

So you haven’t had contact with him for a year, or do you still run into him? You’re probably nervous because you like him! Totally natural to be nervous, and comfy, at the same time. I had known my wife for a few years before we ever dated, but I was still nervous!

[joe2424]

Dude! Write her back, and just say “How have you been, it’s been awile!” I’ve noticed on MySpace that if you take too much time typing a message, it sometimes doesn’t go through when you send it. It may just of happened! I was writing my wife a poem, but kept getting distracted by phone calls, and other things. I had just left the screen open, and finished the message. I sent it, and she never got it. If she does contact you keep the conversations limited to small talk, and don’t come off as “clingy,” or tell her how much you want her. She obviously doesn’t feel the same way, or you scared her off. Play it cool this time around. Young people have no idea what they want! Believe me, I’ve been there, pursuing the uncatchable! Don’t you owe it to yourself to at least keep trying, I mean, without becoming a stalker! That long heartfelt message you sent was a mistake, it was not the right time for her, but at least you were honest with her. Hopefully, she’ll write you back, and you can resume your conversations, and if she doesn’t, at least you tried right?

[joe2424]

Wow! I’m glad I’m not the only one! If you’re happy, and your relationship is meant to be, then there you go! The things I would look at, is he was honest about his situation, and he corrected his spending habits. That tells me that he’s willing to change, and is doing what is necessary to fix the problem. That says a lot for his character. Financial security is very important to me also, but understand that debts can be paid off. When you get married, his debts become YOUR debts too. But, at least you know that going in to it, and not like that poor guy on the free credit report.com commercial! I say, live life, and be happy. If this guy is the one, then get married, be happy, pay off those debts, and buy a house. It’s just going to take a little longer thats all! Everyone is in debt now a days.

[joe2424]

Ah, to be young again. Ok, so he faked being sick to hang out with his ex at a party? Did I read that right? This post was kind of hard to follow, but it sounds like you’re dating a boy and not a man. If he was actually sick it was probably stress! First, six months in a relationship is not crap! You are both still getting to know each other, and while strong feelings may exist, you both sound young, and have yet to live through life’s trials and tribulations. Love is way more than a feeling, it’s also actions. I’m not saying to give it up, but it’s important to learn from mistakes, both yours and his. The truth is, just by going by what you have said, he’s seeing his ex again, and has been in contact with her for a while without you knowing it. If you keep “blowing up,” at him, he’s going to feel the need to hide that stuff from you, because he is doing wrong, and he knows it. This situation should’ve never happened in the first place. If he intended to go back with his ex, he needed to break up with you first, or at least let you know he wants to be friends with her if that’s the case. Being open and honest is the recipe for a healthy, long lasting relationship. He wanted to spare your feelings because he knew how you’d react to him having contact with his ex. Someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship would’ve not tried to hide anything from you, he would have sat you down, and told you exactly what was going on. This dude is a weak chicken. Second, the minute he knew your family member was in the hospital, there should’ve been a phone call no matter what he was doing, or who he was with. Here is what I have learned in life so far when it comes to relationships. Treat people like you want to be treated. Have fun, life is too short. A strong relationship is not 50/50, it’s 100/100, and takes work sometimes. If someone is going to do you over, then that is exactly what is going to happen. There is nothing you can do about it. You move on, and start dating someone who will treat you like you deserve. The past is the past, and being scared to start a new relationship will only help you pass up somebody really great. Only you know the answer on whether or not to work it out with him. Trust you gut, it’s usually right! Good luck!

[joe2424]

Hi Carac,

I’m kind of new here, but I found your post very interesting, and I wanted to throw my two cents in. You’re having trouble finding a “nice guy” in a night club? Well, isn’t that kind of looking for a needle in a haystack? There are good guys that may head out to a club for an evening with friends, but the typical guy is looking for two things. Beer, and a wife for the night! Would a good guy be drunk, and trying to score with you the first night you met? But, at least he did the right thing and told you about his problem. You’re post is over a month old, so hopefully by now you’ve already tried to contact him.

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