smartsexy007

[smartsexy007]

Hi April – It’s been 3 months since my last post and a lot has been happening in my relationship that I feel I am now at a crossroads. I took your advice and tried to be more aware of NOT taking the lead in my relationship. I have been concentrating on myself and looking for gainful employment for the last 3.5 months.

Unfortunately…a few months ago my boyfriends Aunt told him she wants to run her business alone without him. He was in complete an utter SHOCK! She was a public relations figure in the store for many years while her husband did everything. She knew nothing about running the business. He left the store four weeks ago boasting that she will come to her senses and be calling him back begging him to return. (I felt like he was going through his divorce all over again!) Just as he told me he had no clue about his divorce…he was definitely not prepared for this.
He then asked me about “our” business plan for the retail store. I told him it wasn’t a good idea right now given the economic climate and that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to start anything together. I needed to continue to find a job to get back on my feet and that he should consider doing the same thing till he decides what he really wants to do. His reply was “I’m not working for anyone but myself”. He did approach a competitor in the area and spoke about working together but they said the business isn’t what it used to be and they don’t have any plans to expand their business or take on another partner now.

I then learned a few weeks after this fiasco happened that when my boyfriends Aunt walked him out of the building she had a locksmith waiting around the corner to change ALL the locks. It was very clear to me that there was NO WAY she was taking him back. I had one of his friends he worked with at the store tell him this because I felt it was hurtful coming from me but more importantly I wanted him to realize that the reality was he wasn’t going back…no matter how his ego felt and he needed to move on. Truth be told…be careful what you wish for because sometimes it’s not what it’s cracked up to be!!

Moreover, in the 14 weeks he worked at the store he took the business out of the red and it was becoming profitable. During this time his Aunt was not paying him. They agreed that whatever money he earned would be put towards the price they agreed upon when he decided to “buy in”. His Aunt was also living well above her means and her husband did not leave her with hardly any money or a life insurance policy. My boyfriend is living on the 3K a month in alimony he gets from his divorce settlement (May 31st) which he will only receive for 3yrs. (He has about 125k from his divorce) He has sent his Aunt numerous emails about the money she owes him and he has not received a dime. He has nothing in writing only the testimony of his fellow workers who are still employed and worked with him for those 14 weeks. His Aunt says she is going to work it out with him but nothing ever happens and he has not seen a dime!

In the past few weeks my boyfriend went from playing golf 2x a week to playing golf 5x a week. I have seen no indication of looking for a job or formulating any kind of plan to find gainful employment. My friends tell me he is used to be taken care (because his wife was a doctor making over 500k a year) although he still continues to pay for everything when we go out. His day trading (I call it gambling since he has no formal experience) has stopped since the market has been so volatile he can’t afford to lose money with no money coming in!

I am focusing on myself and my daughter and I feel confident I will land a job soon. I am dating my boyfriend 2 yrs in October and I feel as though I’m on a roller coaster going nowhere.

Do I sit back and watch the movie?! He is my best friend and I love him but my mother used to say all the time…Love doesn’t pay the rent!
My friends say he wasn’t very motivated during his 12yr marriage to set himself up in a “career” what makes you think he’s going to do it now? I guess I feel he will excel because he doesn’t have a spouse to share expenses or provide another means of income. He has no parents or anyone else to rely on except himself to provide the lifestyle he is accustomed to. I am a positive person who believes that you shouldn’t bail on people when they need you most but I also believe that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink! LOL What do you think about all of this?!

[smartsexy007]

Hi,

I was reading your story and can completely identify with it. I am dating a man for almost 2yrs with 2 children (I have only one daughter) and although our children are the same age and get along (9yr old daughter and his son is 7) I also have been feeling really crappy about the fact that his x has been switching around the custody arrangement lately (because she is taking the kids out of the country for two weeks in June) and I have had NO TIME with him for a few weeks now. We have been fighting like crazy as well.

I think what I am realizing is although it seemed like a good idea to be a single mom with kids dating other men who have children…I think its much less heartache to find a guy with no children who can give me all the attention I need at this point in my life. I know you love him and all but think about down the line….I am 44yrs old…YOU deserve to be happy with someone who will make YOU a priority NOW! 🙂

Too much baby Mamma drama as well.

[smartsexy007]

Hi April,

Its been over a year since my last update and I am still dating my boyfriend who finally got his divorce in March of this year. (We have been together since Oct 2009)

Remember we talked about the possibilities of being the “rebound” relationship or possibly the one he would remain with….well…a couple of things have changed since his divorce and I’m not sure which direction if any this relationship is going. Very recently my boyfriends Uncle (took his own life) and died. My boyfriend has recently (last 3 weeks) taken over his Uncle’s business with his Aunt. He always wanted to run the business but he worked for his Uncle a few times and they always fought so my boyfriend could’nt work there anymore. (His Aunt and Uncle have no children…so he was like a son to them) I used to work for his Aunt in my 20’s and see her just about every day while walking through my town…she is very nice but EXTREMELY NEEDY…especially now! (This is where the problem comes in…)
Since all these changes have taken place my relationship has gone from bad to worse. We wrote a business plan together to open a retail business in Sept/Oct.2011. Although we were not sure of the particulars I scheduled a meeting with an attorney to draw up papers (it never happened) because his Uncle died and I subsequently lost my job a few weeks ago. Before this all happened he was day trading and plotting our next move with the store. All the while he didn’t have a full time job he would text me g’morning just about everyday…we were able to spend time together at the gym…have dinner together at least 2x a week and just hang out at home and relax once in a while. I am happy for him because running and or owning a business has been his dream forever. Last week he sat down with his Aunt to talk about a partnership and they are now consulting attorneys to draw up papers. . The ISSUE IS I FEEL LIKE CRAP!!! 😥 All he talks about is himself, his aunt is texting him every morning…(I don’t get texts in the mornings anymore) he meets her for breakfast, dinner etc …all he talks about is his Aunt and the business. He has not spent much time with me and I’m NOT CHASING HIM! I recalled excerpts in your book when you say be the prize…don’t be so available…but its hard especially now without me working…I told him recently that we have no balance in our lives…He calls me to do stuff last minute and I feel like when he is not working or has his kids he ‘fits’ me in his schedule!! I’m so mad that he hasn’t said anything about our business plan I have decided that the only way to open my business is to sell my apt (and downsize) which I have been thinking about for a while. I have not shared any of this with him yet and I’m not sure I want to! I feel so lost..I go to the gym EVERYDAY and work out my frustrations about all this crap. This upcoming holiday weekend he doesn’t have his kids but has said nothing about doing anything. I thought about what YOU would do or say ….so I made plans to go down to the jersey shore and visit a friend the entire weekend. I didn’t say anything to him yet…how do I let him know I’m not going to “hang ” around and wait for him to do stuff but that I want to be with him?! I feel like I’m starting all over with this relationship AGAIN! UGHHH HELP!

[smartsexy007]

April,

I don’t think I made my situation clear so I need to clarify something. My boyfriend and I started seeing each other in Oct 2009 and he had been living on his own since May 2009. He was already in his routine with his kids and not having ANY issues with soon to be x-wife because they agreed to put off the divorce preceedings till after the holidays. He and I had spent ALOT of time together dining out, movies, going to the gym together etc. Their was NO DRAMA at all between him and the soon to be x-wife….until he got himself a lawyer (I recommended mine) and he finally put in writing what he is looking for as far as a settlement. He told me they were going to be amicable and all he wanted was a 50/50 split. She hired the best attorney in NYC and refused his offer of a 50/50 split and offered 75/25 (to him!) he was really upset. It wasn’t until then i think he realized this wasn’t going to be so easy.

Since this started in March whenever he has to deal with her directly it effects him and he reacts very emotionally and it sometimes ruins our evening or whatever we have planned and I take it personally. Sometimes I feel like I just want to say “get over it!” I hate to see him upset and I really feel that if someone tells me they don’t love me then just move on…but i know everyone is different. My girlfriend says that I’m not being fair to him because it won’t be over for him until the divorce is complete. My friend also tells me its not about me..ughhh LOL

Perhaps your advice in my last question still stands but I have to ask again ….do I walk away from a relationship that was going well or do I wait it out till his divorce is final over?

Please advise

[smartsexy007]

Dear dazed and confused,

I was married for 5 years and have a school aged child. I am now divorced 6 years and although I never experienced infidelity with my husband (he was an alcoholic) I grew up in a family with a cheating father. To this day I will never understand why my mother allows herself to be treated like this. At this point in her life (she is 70yrs old) my dad is 71 she tells me she doesn’t care what he does (he is STILL cheating on her!) but she lives a very comfortable life after raising 4 children and has never had to work a day in her life. Divorcing him now would be senseless to her because she wants for nothing and now its a lifestyle she has instead of a committed husband. She made a deal with the devil as far as I am concerned. Moreover…let me express to you I was 19 when I realized my dad was cheating on my mom. It has cost me alot of mental anguish because i love my mom and I want her to be happy. I love my dad too but can’t understand why he continues his behavior. Their situation has caused me to mistrust men in my adult life and to be very suspecious of their behavior. I hate that I feel this way but most of the times my intuition is correct. I am involved in a relationship now with someone i have known since i was 20yrs old. I trust him like know one i have ever trusted. not sure what’s going to happen but I’m taking it a day at a time 🙂

My advice to you is go through the pain and divorce him. If he has done this more than once he is addicted to the thrill and will not stop. I don’t blame you…i could never want to touch my husband if he had cheated on me multiple times either! Get to a gym, start working out and focus on yourself and your children. Its not going to be easy but I PROMISE you …..YOU and your children will be happier when its all over. YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!!!!

[smartsexy007]

Hi April,

Its been a while since my last post…needless to say I have been very busy following up on your last bit of advice you gave me and decided to let you know how things are going. First off…[u]for everyone that has read your book I encourage people to go back and re-read it over again.[/u] Its funny that sometimes you need to drill stuff into your head to finally put it into practice! I’ve become the preacher of your ‘best practices’ among my girlfriends who are constantly making the SAME mistakes over and over with men. O.K. now onto the juicy stuff…

I got a custody schedule in order so my daughter and I can live a sane life and things are a bit better with juggling my x-husbands demands to see his daughter and my need to have a life! As far as my Italian boyfriend Anthony (who is still living with his x-wife and daughters)…i got rid of him. You were soooo right about me doing EVERYTHING all the time. You were so exact with your advice that my boyfriends BEST friend who adores me pulled me aside one day and said – I see your frustration with Anthony…do yourself a favor and STOP doing for him…planning stuff e.t.c. So I did and what happened is that he didn’t step up at all!! He just let things die. So I did as well because I realized he didn’t care enough about me to pursue me and who wants that!?

So here comes the interesting part…I re-connected with an old friend I have known for over 20 years a few weeks after I broke up with Anthony. I never dated him but we used to work together. I was always in a relationship and he was always dating someone. I think we were always attracted to one another but I was not the type to get involved with people I worked with. I saw him one day and asked how things were going and he told me he is almost divorced. I was so surprised! He was married to a (woman who was doctor) for 11yrs and they have 2 children (5yrs old and 8yr old) A mutual friend told me his wife is cheating on him and didn’t even want to try and work things out. He doesn’t believe this to be true but said time will tell. He asked me to come by his apartment one night and we chatted for 5hrs or so. Caught up on lots of stuff and told me what he has been up to for the past 11yrs. He didn’t try anything and I truly had a good time. I told him he needs to get out and date and he didn’t seem so thrilled with that. I invited him out one night to see a band perform and we had a great time. After we went salsa dancing (yes he is Latino.. ) and we had a blast. After a few dates, dinners and such he spills his guts about always wanting to be with me and at this point is ALWAYS calling me, sending me cute texts and taking me out all the time. Our chemistry is like nothing I have ever experienced with anyone and after being intimate with him there is NO WAY his wife was cheating unless it was with a woman! I NEVER call him. Its a GREAT feeling to have someone chase you all the time! He gave me $2,000 dollars the other day and told me to book us a trip somewhere warm as a birthday gift and let him know if I need more money?! I am trying to keep things in perspective but my question is how do I NOT become the transition person in this process while awaiting the finality of his divorce in May? I want this to last!…he said he never thought we would have evolved into a relationship but that I make him happy and he looks forward to being with me a lot! I am not always available to him and I don’t always answer my phone when he calls. I also told him whenever he needs some time alone to let me know and I’m good with that. Please help!

[smartsexy007]

April,

I have spent the past week or so digesting your advice and would like to follow up and shed some light on a few things you mentioned. Dating other single parents with kids is a nightmare! I’m going to be blunt about that because dating is challenging enough! Another issue is the pattern of men I get involved with. Most need “rescuing” and I am trying to break out of that pattern and find an “alpha” male who has his life together and is strong-er than me. I would love nothing more than a “take control kinda guy” so I can be the less dominant person in the relationship…I HATE making decisions and being “in charge” all the time but I’m forced to do it because if I don’t know one else will.

In regard to my boyfriend…(who is only legally separated and as you said “advertising himself as single”) you are definately correct about that but one of the things that attracted me to him is that he isn’t what I usually date…older than me and 100% Italian. Not to stereotype but most Italian men I know are very strong and some controlling. So in a way I think I was subconsciously looking for that alpha male. Plus one of the things he said to me after a few months of dating him was that he wanted to take care of me and my daughter. April…no guy has EVER said that to me.

The other night I had a chat with my boyfriend and realized that the bottom line is their is NO POSSIBLE way I can stay with this man if selling his home is contingent upon his divorce. So I asked him point blank…is your divorce contingent upon you selling your home or paying your x-wife off?.. and he said NO! He mentioned the legal term you told me about and said he has a one year waiting period before filing for divorce and he is executing it on the anniversary date which is March 8th. Moreover… I have met his mom and all his brothers and sister (who was recently up from Florida). He and I also attended a cousins wedding last month and his very close friends (mostly married friends who are still friends with his x-wife ) tell me he is so happy that he met me and how crazy he is about me. The x-wife has a boyfriend for a while…but your right…I still have the issue of her coming and going in the house until he is divorced or he pays her off. And the girls…well that’s an easy one as far as I’m concerned…since I have lots of experience in this area…if he doesn’t fight for me it will be over. Being a restaurant owner he knows alot of people and everyone who has heard we are dating tells me…he’s such a great guy…

My last questions are…
Is it so wrong to continue dating to see where this could possibly go?
Is it wrong to accept an invitation out with another guy (letting them know I am dating) if an opportunity presents itself?

Its all about the chase April…right?

[Author]

Posts