[leialeao]

It is the game changer… except I’m not playing a game, it’s real life, and yesterday it got very real. He has been online more or less once/month or so since my girlfriend first discovered it last fall. Recently my life opened up job-wise and kid-wise, making me more available for a long-term serious commitment, what he always said he wanted. In the last three weeks the online ventures escalated to once/week. Yesterday he invited me over for dinner and a movie, and literally was online IM-ing on match, WHILE I WAS DRIVING TO HIS HOUSE! My friend is frantic for me to get out of this relationship. I was fully prepared to end it, but upon arriving at his house, his kids were there, dinner was being prepared, and he was his usual wonderful self. I had a difficult time participating, but was civilly distant, waiting for the moment when the kids would leave. It never came. Now I need to set an appointment to address the problem head-on, and frankly end the relationship. After the evidence of yesterday, there is nothing he can say that could change my mind. I only want to get to the bottom of the issue with the most dignity and least personal damage possible. I’d like to say I care about what happens to his feelings, but that would be a major stretch right now.

So… I’m planning on setting a “date” with him tonight after a meeting I have to go to. I have about 12 hours to come up with exactly the right words, with these goals:

1. Ending a relationship that I have greatly enjoyed, because i can’t support duplicity in a relationship where people say they “love” each other

2. understand how/what he was thinking to do this such that if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I would never have believed it… SO THAT I DON’T EVER GET DUPED AGAIN!

The first goal, ending it, should be easy. The second goal, understanding why, is probably wishful thinking, but it would be great if I could achieve both with one set of words. It would be especially helpful with the third objective:

#3. Hurt the least amount possible.

Hey, thanks for the help. It’s great to get some 3rd person clarity when you’re in the midst of this kind of misery.

[leialeao]

At the time my girlfriend first saw him online she was legitimately online looking for a potential partner. Amazingly, *MY* boyfriend came up! We were both shocked! She has continued to monitor him from afar, even as she has listened to my renditions of our great evenings and wonderful weekends. At first I thought it must be someone else, but visiting her house, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. There is no question; he’s online with somewhat increasing frequency.

After a year of what I thought was a great relationship, I was ready to move to the next step. I now need to address this with him, and soon, but am hesitating because I hate to let go of all the good times we currently have. Unfortunately, the good times, which haven’t abated one bit, are now becoming overshadowed by this secret. My biggest question is how to best address it, and my second biggest question is how a guy can be as nice as he is and say as many “I love you’s” as he does, then spend all his off time looking at other women on line, as he is now? He’s not after my money, it just doesn’t make sense.

[leialeao]

Poly, what you say makes the most sense of anything I’ve read. This guy is a gem in just about every regard. He gets a check-plus on every point In my list of how I would like to be treated by a man. On top of that, he’s smart, witty, fun, and even makes a nice salary! Because I was coming off a fairly messy divorce when I met him, I wasn’t looking for a long term relationship with someone else right away, but met this guy, and things just developed. We’ve been in a close and intimate relationship for about a year, and I’m surprised to find that I’m thinking more and more about making a long-term commitment with him. The single only thing holding me back is the every two to three week “peeking” he does on match.
When my girlfriend first noticed him online last summer, I had no commitment with him other than to enjoy time together, so I didn’t press it. After she saw him online a couple of more times, essentially every time he and I spent an especially nice weekend together or had some other significant bonding experience, I really started to wonder. I broached the subject with him last November, when he told me he was checking on his ex-wife. I haven’t brought it up since, but like clockwork, he goes on virtually every time we get closer.
I would like to move forward with the relationship, and know that can’t happen unless I address this, because it makes me question his integrity. Maybe I shouldn’t, if it’s a natural boy-thing to have to peek, but it’s a behavior that’s foreign to me, not one I can understand. I’ve waited, watched, and now know I need to say something. I’m hesitating with this because it’s so foreign to my thought process. I am a very assertive person when I know I’m right, but I’m confused about this. I have no problem offending him if he’s in the wrong, but I fear offending him for a faux pas that is likely meaningless. The problem is… I just can’t tell. Any suggestions on how to talk to him about it?

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