pharrigan210

[pharrigan210]

I gave you the wrong impression. Sorry! I’m the husband. I was on vacation with my wife and kids. A female co-worker emailed me while i was on vacation and we kept conversing all week. If i thought she was just being friendly, i would have thought nothing of it. but we are very friendly. and on several occassions i thought an affiar was close to happening. but it never occured. she actually rarely initiated convos with me, but is always friendly and flirty when i initated convo. but then she initated a convo in a BIG WAY, i think – while i was on vacation. i dont see her all the time at work. happened to run into her two days before my vaca and told her about it. then tuesday – WHAM – she emails me. wondering if she was just being friendly. or it was calculated on her part and all the other questions i asked in my inital post. THANKS

[pharrigan210]

It’s not that i don’t try. It’s that i’ve stopped trying. i don’t believe that the effort is mutual. we’ve been married for 14 years, we’ve seen a counselor. we’ve fixed a few things, but the fixes are short lived. i love my kids – 12 and 9. and am doing everything i can to stay in this marriage for them. but i now found a person where there’s a spark – perhaps there is a spark from her and im having trouble getting that outta my head.

please answer my questions on the previous post. i know there’s probably a reluctance. who wants to give advice to a man who is contemplating cheating. i, for one, would not want to give me advice. but here’s why i hope you will answer those questions: In my opinion there are two types of men that cheat or attempt to cheat on their wife
1. Most fall into this category – the creep. Out for nothing but fun on the side.
2. A small percentage fall here – good men, good fathers, that are unhappily married. they attempt to work on the marriage, but the attempts fail. they stay in their unhappy marriage for the sake of their kids. but at the same time they find some one whose company they enjoy and they have an affair or attempt to have one. they juggle like this because they want to be happy, but they dont want to leave their kids, who would be devastated. that’s why they walk the tight rope.

i fall into category 2. im a good person. never cheated. never close to cheating. but now im considering it and i feel confused. im in my 40’s. i dont think its uncommom to go through something like this at that age. and im trying to get through it. quite honestly, i dont think anything will come of this. it’s helpful to talk about it. helpful to gain perspective of what this women might be thinking. if you could answer those questions, i could be extremely grateful. thank you.

[pharrigan210]

Good point on the first person thing. I think i was doing it in the bare bones/third person because it seemed more concise. the first person version has more specifics and is therefore longer and probably more boring. LOL. but her it goes:
-I’ve worked with this women for about 2.5 years.
-i am unhappily married
-she divorced. victim of adulteery and extreme domestic violence – husband is in jail bad.
-we hit it off almost immedeately. very friendly. then very flirty.
-early on i decided i can’t go after this women. imagine the court of public opinion at work if im wrong and she rejects me and tells people. i would be tarred and feathered. and probably rightfully so.’
-but over a fairly long period of time i felt like flirting escalating and i started to fall for her more and more.
-i asked her out three times since January and have been ignored three times.
-now if the story ended there, i would have no questions. it would be obvious. she has not interest in a relationship or an affair.
-but it doesn’t end there. after the rejections she continues to flirt
-consider the following examplies. has a freind in my home town. has told me several times that driving through my home town makes her feel close to me. tells me she thinks of me when she drives past my exit. has told me more than once that at night, when she thinks of something i said to her during the day, it puts a smile on her face. tells me she loves it when i use my nickname for her. sends me email that say “missing you” because i don’t sit near her anymore.
-so here are my questions:
1. please forget about my married status for this one question. a women gets asked out by male friend. she’s not interested. wouldn’t her reaction be “i better back away.” why continue to be overly friendly and borderline flirty, when it always leads to an unwanted date request.
2. ok. please go back to the fact that i am married now: a married guy asks out a single women. there are two replies – yes or no. if it’s yes, she is interested. if it’s no, doesn’t she think he’s a creep or a jerk. how can she say no to a married man and still be friendly with him. how could she possibly not think im a jerk?
3. within days of the second rejection, she called me a “really nice guy” in a group setting. i emailed her later that day and said “you know, it’s the nice guys you have to watch out for.” she wrote back, “I know, Mr. nice guy. i’m serious about the nice guy thing. serniously. not laughing.” how can a married man who asks out a single women be viewed by the women as “a nice guy.” that just doesn’t seem to fit. don’t most women think a man that does that is a jerk?
4. is she giving me mixed signals? consider the rejections and then consider the lines “makes me feel close to you.” and “smile on face line.” are those mixed signals? if so, are they a sign that she is torn.
5. can you see why im confused? or do you think im just hearing what i want to hear?
6. do you think she is interested in me, but not interested in married guys and therefore putting her defenses up? OR is she not interested in me, but she is getting enjoying the attention? does she find it to be a ego boost? flattering?

thanks! great site!

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