[relationshipa1]

Wow, I had completely forgotten all about this thread, until I received an email notification that you had commented.

Okay, an update… Brace yourself, lol. It’s been quite a while and a lot has happened. By complete coincidence I discovered that my ex had A) been separated from a wife I had NO idea that he had, and B) he’d started seeing her again, soon after he started dating me. The way I found out, was that I texted him one morning and she had his phone. I guess her spidey senses were tingling, because she started chatting. Before long we were well into unraveling that demented ball of yarn. What he said happened was that he “was not ready to have me think badly of him” and so he made up terminal cancer, which would account for when his behavior was “off.” He really went all-out to build up this lie, telling me about his treatments in detail (boy must have done a helluva lot of googling) and making up a treatment schedule to explain his being missing in action whenever he was with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been planning to “die” at some point.

The aftermath was really tough. I was diagnosed with PTSD and spent a lot of time getting through that. I chocked up his weird behavior to his being ill – because he seemed perfectly normal before that – but now I believe that he had some sort of malignant personality disorder. There weren’t actually any worrying red flags until after he claimed to have cancer. He internet stalked me a bit for a couple of years after I stopped talking to him, but I think he’s mostly gone now.

Luckily, I’ve now been married to a perfectly lovely guy for two years and we have a little girl. I traded way, way, WAY up from my crazy ex. Life is good.

[relationshipa1]

You hit the mark. Early 30s. Sitting around on my own again seems painful to me and is not something I’d very much look forward to. I picture even if I had my own place, I’d never be spending any time there at all again – which is what happened with my previous place.

I did try solving it last time around but I have just not really been able to get over my communication issues. The funny thing is for me it’s just starting a dialog that is the problem. I have no problem with keeping it going.

[relationshipa1]

Fair enough! Thank you for the advice if I have more questions ill be sure to post again.

[relationshipa1]

So based on the advice you gave I asked him to get his stuff out of my house and told him we couldnt be friends cause I wanted more which turned into a big discussion about how he always fucks up and hes a douche….? okay then :/ so Im like I dont know what you expect Im just sex to you and Im worth more than that. He goes on to explain hes fine with not having sex and its not that he doesnt care, just that hes not good with words thats why he fixes stuff, offeres to drive me around (even though I have a car), etc. Thats how he shows he cares. I told him that I get that his ex’s hurt him alot and hes broken but that it wasnt fair to me to be in a situation where I dont matter and what I want feels like a joke. He told me that wasnt even close to a fair assumption of the situation and that Im nis best friend and he cares about me alot and wants more but hes terrified because if I leave him its less painful to loose a best friend then someone you thought youd have forever with…. I told him I couldnt talk and was busy and Id get back later, and he sent a text saying “see this is why I said lets stop, because I didnt want you to get hurt cause I knew I was fucked up. Im so sorry sleeping with me makes you wanna burn your flesh off” 😮 so I totally tripped out and called him screaming saying “are you that fucking stupid? do you not see anything? I cant just sleep with you because I love you, you stupid bastard!” (lol not a moment of glory, and not completely faulse, Weve known each other 6 months now and spend every waking moment together. Id been fighting the love feeling for the second month of us sleeping together but it just came out) I hung up cause I felt so stupid for saying it and he called back to ask why I loved him. I said cause shit happens and Im an idiot thats why. he said he really didnt want to fuck things up and that he cared alot about me and that this was very important to him, he didnt understand why I would love him when hes been such an ass, hes just really scared and doesnt want to fuck anything up cause he couldnt stand to loose me. I told him wed talk later cause I didnt know what to say or think anymore and just needed some space. so now what?

[relationshipa1]

But even after it had been ended, he still want to “be friends” and lays on my couch sick? Why waste that much time hanging out with me if he’s not interested?

[relationshipa1]

Thanks for the advice. However, i would have sex with him but was criticized about how i did this or did that. I was a virgin when I got with him. When I said that i took care of everything for school for the kids & everything they needed, this was happening while they were little, not just the age now. I took my full time position as manager & moved out. The kids came with me. He is still staying at the house. all he wants is someone to cook, clean & have sex with. I got pushed out of bed, covers thrown off of me & told that he hated me & wish I was dead when i didn’t have sex with him. when we had sex it was like a chore or a routine because i didn’t feel that he loved me. I have tried to talk to him and told him that it was my fault as much as it was his but he says its all my fault. He says he is perfect & has done nothing wrong. he says that as long as i have sex with him he doesn’t see a problem but if i don’t have sex with him then that’s a problem.

[relationshipa1]

yeah u r right. u see i live in L.A so most of the girls ive meet jst havnt been right. maybe im looking at the wrong places. but then again i dont want to get with a girl i meet at a club. those almost never work out huh.. (sigh). its a tough one.

[relationshipa1]

thx for the insight. it really helps sometimes its hard for me talk about these thngs with my friends, do yer replies are very appreciated. the sad thing is ive been single for 3 yrs since my last relationship which lasted 5-yrs. since thn i havnt gave any girls that attention till i met ths one and i tried being a nice person for a change and it did not work out. which has me confused. im jst thinkin how long do i hve to wait to find that right girl again. btw im 29 yrs old , by now most of my friends are having kids or had kids and in relationships. and it makes miss having dat feeling. i guess im jst lost,

[relationshipa1]

yeah shes moved on. it sucks bcuz one of mt friends told me that she started talkin to him, he said it was weird so he had to tell me. yup girls can b cruel, its strange tho she really liked me i wonder what pushed her away, maybe i moved to fast for.

[relationshipa1]

A quick update…

I think I woke up a different person this morning, in a way. My thoughts seems to have sorted themselves a lot during the night.

I realise that I’ve spent my time being happy vs being scared/misearble in a ratio of about 1:10 the past few weeks. Him building walls around himself through this and my not knowing what he was thinking, had me tip-toeing around on eggshells, scared to say or do the wrong thing. There wasn’t much intimacy about this subject, whatever his reasons for not wanting to talk about it. As a friend, I can deal with that.

As a girlfriend, it was ripping me apart. I do love him. However, I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I’ve been so overwhelmed by fear and insecurity I think I lost that somewhere along the way. Maybe that’ll change down the line. I don’t know. Now that we’ve put the relationship aside, we’re much more comfortable with eachother. We’ve talked more in the past ten hours than we have in the past month.

Maybe he’ll change his decision down the road, but the truth is, I’m not sure I want to go back into a relationship. If he suggests that, I don’t see it working out unless he gets professional help to deal with things. Otherwise it’d probably be the same thing all over again the next time the doctors give him bad news.

I realise that I might need help myself. Well… not just -might-. I’ll get it.
But for now, I’m going to wait until the pizzaplace opens, order something that’ll ruin my figure and just sit on the couch with my dog (who is way to big to be a lapdog but who likes to think that she is anyway) and vegetate with a pile of dvds.

And you know what else? As terrified as I’ve been about losing my boyfriend…. I’m relieved that its over. It’s been so much more draining that I knew. Mostly I’m just glad I didn’t lose my friend

[relationshipa1]

He’s 27 and I’m 29, which is still much to young to be told that you’re most likely dieing. It’s a football team built up of accountains and lawyers and such 😀

Anyway.. the situation has changed. We had a talk today and he basically said that he love me, but the idea that it can’t end well makes him depressed. He also says that he doesn’t want to lose me. We’ve agreed to still be friends. We even agreed that we’re still doing our movie-night this weekend, the way we had originally planned. Maybe it would make more sense for me to walk away, but I can’t. I love him with all my heart. I’m clinging on to hope that this is the trauma of his illness talking and that he’ll change his mind. If he doesn’t…I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when/if I get to it.

He still hasn’t told any of his family or friends about what’s happening to him. I don’t really think he’s planning to say anything until he absolutely can’t hide it anymore. I know that whatever pain I’m feeling now must be completely dwarfed by what he’s going through, and the idea that if I leave, he’ll be dealing with that all by himself, scares the hell out of me. I just wish I knew if I was doing the right thing.

[relationshipa1]

Personally, I’d stay far away from this guy. Okay, so his girlfriend lives far away, but she’s still his girlfriend. Even if he does make a move on you and you two get together, any relationship that starts off in cheating, isn’t likely to go very well. Think about it: wouldn’t you rather be with a guy who takes these things seriously? Who’s to say that he won’t cheat on you, if he’ll cheat on her?

[relationshipa1]

I normally don’t even glance at the
articles printed throughout the internet; but
after the eye catching title “Why nice Guys

[relationshipa1]

I normally don’t even glance at the
articles printed throughout the internet; but
after the eye catching title “Why nice Guys
Finish Last”, i had to send a note of thanks.

I recently lost not only a wonderful woman in a
relationship, but we were long time friends before
that. Not to use this as an excuse, both of us had
very different and difficult issues in our
respective lives that required major energy,
placing priority over growing our relationship.
How we became involved are the things one would
read in a novel; however, over time, she had a
change of heart. While I was very upset and
confused by it all, your article brought piercing
perspective to why things went wrong.
I write this feeling both embarrassed and humbled
by sharing this with you; but in a bizarre way, a
sense of understanding has finally been brought to
this personal and painful of situations. I just
wanted to thank you for writing this article and
helping me see something I needed to see. All the
best with your endeavours, jd

[relationshipa1]

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