stjaba

[stjaba]

As far as scenario 1 goes, everything sounds fine to me. You’re not “betraying” your friend at work, because it doesn’t sound like you actually have any relationship with him. The six-year age difference would be a big deal if you were 14, but you mentioned you’re almost 30, and 29 to 35 is practically inconsequential.

The computer tech sounds mildly creepy, but not dangerously so. If you’re a computer tech, and you’re smitten by a girl, tracking her down via Facebook seems reasonably logical. Did he do something else that was creepy? Us computer guys aren’t the most graceful social creatures. 😉

As far as scenario 2 goes, it sounds like you’re struggling a bit to communicate openly with Mr Scotland about what’s really going on. If you wanted to continue having sex, why not just tell him so? It sounds like your possibilities for a long-term relationship are slim, with your pending return to China, but you could still enjoy each others’ company until then. It sounds like your relationship is based on your ability to talk and give each other advice. Just talk to him! The key, though, is that if you are going to be sexually involved with him, you MUST communicate and be clear about what your relationship is. If you think it’s the beginning of a deep relationship, but he thinks it’s just casual sex, that can harm your friendship. But as long as the two of you are on the same page, then everything should be fine!

[stjaba]

This may seem kind of obvious, but…I suggest talking to him.

That is, it could be that he’s just a know-it-all jerk. Or, it could be that he isn’t aware that he’s doing this, and needs to hear it from someone. I think there are different degrees of this problem. Is he always right because he is just quick to answer and dominates conversations? Or is he constantly correcting you / forcing a confrontation over who is right or wrong / putting you down in the process? Those are very different dynamics that could affect how big this problem is.

So, I suggest you find a neutral time and place (not just after you’ve been fighting, etc.), and explain to him that you feel he acts like he is always right, and that it makes you feel unappreciated, and it makes him look arrogant to others, or whatever is most important to you.

It’s very important to focus this conversation on his behavior and how it makes you feel. It would be helpful if you could come up with some constructive suggestions for what he could change. Depending on your boyfriend, be prepared to deflect him if he tries to turn it around on you. If he’s used to being right, it seems likely he will try to twist your conversation into a reason he is right, (“I don’t always do that. Just last Thursday you were right about the xxxxxx”). This is your opportunity to calmly point out that he is doing it again!

Anyway, his reaction to this is pretty important. If he’s receptive, then it may simply be a matter of positive reinforcement and patience over time as he tries to change his behavior. If he reacts negatively, it could be a sign that he’s not willing to to change, or that he’s likely to be inflexible in other areas of your relationship. And that’s important information when you’re thinking about continuing this relationship.

Let us know what happens!

[stjaba]

I agree with April on this one…

To me, the most upsetting thing in your post is the fact that he blames you for his infidelity, or at the least uses your behavior as an excuse for his bad behavior. That seems like a really strong warning sign.

In my previous relationship, I was also forced to give up a female friend – and I hadn’t even had a relationship with that person. I really regretted that, and since my divorce was very happy to reestablish that friendship. I’m not quite sure where I stand on friendships with former boyfriends/girlfriends, but it seems to me that in a trusting relationship, you should be able to maintain friendships like that without it tearing you apart, as long as the friendship is reasonably casual. (I mean, if you’re texting your ex-boyfriends fifty times a day, or hanging out with them alone, that’s over the line…)

Personally, I would seriously recommend you two get into counseling, because you can bet your boots this issue is going to come up again.

~stjaba

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