Sue

[Sue]

Assuming I do want to continue dating him, what should I do or not do at this point?

[Sue]

I think I just did it – hope it worked 😕 This is the guy who shut down our match after not hearing from me. The thing is that before when we had made plans to meet somewhere in a third city (much closer to mine – just new stuff to do) we had the momentum from having just dated in person. Now, after a couple of months have passed, with the obvious present exception of trying to set up a new date, in between he has seemed to slow things down by communicating less often and only by e-mail. I like him a lot, but I’m not comfortable jumping from periodic (once or twice a week) pen pal to weekend vacation. Does that make sense? How can I tell him that without running him off? Thanks so much! I can’t tell you how hard it is to re-enter the dating world after 22 years (20 of which were married)! Thanks again!

[Sue]

Report this postReply with quoteWhat to say when asked for suggestions?
by Sue on Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:27 pm

This is more complicated than it sounds, although I told you about half of it before the latest developments (and thanks for your advice, btw). I’ll recap and boldface the new part at the end.

Out of town guy with whom I e-mailed and called drove several hours to my city for Friday and Saturday dates. Then no contact from him for two days when he e-mailed me about plans for a future visit within about 30 days. After e-mailing me for a couple of weeks about our future plans, he cancelled/postponed our plans, saying we could schedule another visit over the next couple of months. Now he takes 3-6 days (usually somewhere in between) to respond to my responsive e-mails, but he took 0-3 days to respond before we met. No calls since we met whereas there were calls before.

Eventually I figured I had devolved into some sort of out of town girl and decided to stop responding to his e-mails. After a few e-mails from him over about 9 days with no response from me, he closed our match on the dating site where we met. I couldn’t decide whether he thought I had lost interest (I hadn’t lost interest in him, just in his ways) or whether he lost interest in me period.

I sent him an e-mail and we resumed e-mail communication. My e-mail was light and breezy and made no mention of my having seen him close out our match. We resumed e-mailing.

His most recent e-mail is flirty, mentions making plans for another date, and asks whether I have any suggestions for plans. Before (when he was leaving my city after our two dates), he mentioned meeting in a third town which is close to mine and no closer to his than mine (and hence no more convenient for him), but is just a change of environment which offers new things to do. I had been receptive to meeting in a third town when we had the momentum of our two dates. Now that our momentum has wained and time has passed, I’d be more comfortable with him visiting my own town again, especially since it seems to me like he’s pulled back a little after we met.

What is the best way to respond to the last lines of his e-mail from day before yesterday which state: “I’ve been trying to think of our next plan. What do you suggest?” Thanks

[Sue]

I can’t contact him now, can I? If I did, what should I say? Isn’t there anything I can do? Thanks for your advice.

[Sue]

Is there anything I can do now? I really like him a lot, but I want him to suggest specific dates for getting together rather than just over the next couple of months. Is there anything I can do to salvage this? Thanks

[Sue]

Hey, thanks. Am I right to not respond?

It’s been a week ago today since the last e-mail between us – the one he sent to me.

If I should respond, what should I say?

Thanks again!!

[Sue]

I am 45; he is 50. BTW, we are each divorced. My relationship with my ex-husband has been over for 2 years (divorced for 1 year) and he’s been divorced for 5 years.

We’ve been e-mailing and talking on the phone since early August. We went on two in-person dates in November which involved him driving to my city and staying in a hotel (alone, of course)

We live 5 hours apart

The obvious concern is that he’s lying and is married, but he’s told me to call or visit him any time. Of course, I never call him! I haven’t visited him either, nor have I picked up the hint. However, I don’t think he’d mention these possibilities openly if he had something to hide. But for those two things, I’d be suspicous.

My ax to grind is that he is not honoring his plans with me which, of course, I cannot make him do. To me there is no excuse for that (short of hospitalization), not that he needs one. I can’t lecture him or make him do anything. I agree with him that it is too soon for me to go with him to his sister’s, but my view is that he should honor his plans with me and see her some other time. 😥

He told me this via e-mail 5 nights ago. He ended his e-mail with small talk questions like, “Are you ready for Christmas?” presumably trying to provoke a response. I don’t want to seem immature or bitter by not responding, but I haven’t responded because I don’t know what to say. ❓

As far as his re-scheduling is concerned, I don’t want to make plans to go anywhere with him at the present time. Why would I make new plans with him when he’s just cancelled the plans we did have?!

If I take the high road, and just say “have fun” am I not telling him it is okay for him to cancel on me any time? On the other hand, I can’t scold him or tell him not to do it again either.

What I’d like to do is salvage this and get him to want to see me, if not New Years Eve, then some other time, but how do I do that?! 😕 What should I do? Forgetting him is an option worth considering, but I’d rather get him to shape up! 😳 Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

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