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should I end it?

Hi April,

My current girlfriend and I got back together two weeks ago after being separated for 4 months because I was living abroad. During this time we were not together but we still spoke almost everyday and still had feelings for each other. However, she just told me that one month after I left, 2 friends of ours (one guy and one girl) came to visit her for a day at her parents house. in the evening, the girl decided to go to sleep while she and the guy decided to stay up and drink. after drinking a whole bottle of gin, the guy made a move and she stopped him but when he made the second move, they had sex. This happened in the same room as the other girl while they thought the other girl was sleeping but she woke up. I know this guy because he was a friend of mine, so I also know he doesn't use protection. ever.

My girlfriend said that in the 4 months, she only got with him and no one else and that they don't talk anymore because she is angry at the guy for taking advantage of her while she was wasted (she can never hold her alcohol and always does stupid things when shes drunk unless someone tells her not too). I believe her and we both said that we loved each other and that she doesn't want to lose me again, so I decided to get back together with her. I do have one problem now though; I love my girlfriend and I know we weren't together and all, but I know this guy and I'm always thinking about the two of them just getting together and I always get disgusted and I start to cry sometimes.
What should I do? is there a way to not think about it or should I leave her? I don't think I can even sit on the bed they slept in knowing he was in it.

Thank you

Re: should I end it?

How old are you and your girlfriend and your other friends?
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: should I end it?

Thank you for filling me in on your ages.

I don't think you should end it -- at least not without trying to work things through.

You're very upset because you've forgiven your girlfriend, but you've repressed your feelings about what happened. That doesn't usually work. Feelings have a funny way of emerging in other places like that Whack-A-Mole game. You can push them down in one place, and they pop up in another.

You're a lot more upset and angry about what happened than you admitted. I'm not sure what your status is with your guy friend who slept with your girlfriend, but my guess is that you haven't confronted him or processed your feelings about what happened. I think you should. Try talking to him face to face. You need to really find a way to accept and heal from what happened. That isn't going to happen overnight. My guess is that you're rushing this process. In fact, you may need more talking this through with your girlfriend. If she has a known problem with drinking, then she has a responsibility for herself. You're probably wondering what else might happen in the future if she drinks too much. You need to discuss this with her.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: should I end it?

well, I confronted him the day after she told me. He tried to justify it by saying we were broken up at the time and that they were drunk and that they haven't spoken ever since because my girlfriend hates him for taking advantage of her while she was drunk. Then he said he hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship, but it does and I told him as well.
My girlfriend and I are both quite busy at the moment so we haven't seen each other in person much this week, but I will talk about it again with her next time I speak to her.

thank you


Re: should I end it?

Basically, what happened before was, my girlfriend of a year cheated on me and then we had a conversation saying we wouldn't put a label on our relationship while i was away for 5 months. Now I'm coming back next week and I see on Facebook she's got pictures with a guy I don't know from a ball she attended. I asked her quite casual who she went to the ball with and she said: "with a guy" followed by "I need to speak to you about that" what followed were some harsh things I said to her and then she said she still wants to see me and stuff followed by: "we weren't really like that" and "we were keeping it simple so that we couldn't get angry or something when stuff like this happened".

I have to say, I am so confused right now. what should I do? we have the same friends and I don't want to be the one who takes it really badly and then everyone thinks he's overreacting.


Re: should I end it?

I was under the impression that the two of you were broken up for four months when she was with the other guy. You were also out of town at the time, but it seemed from what you said that the two of you were broken up and your being out of town was just a coincidence. If all that's true, she didn't cheat on you. She was with someone else while the two of you were broken up.

You had said that you got back together with her, but you were having trouble accepting the fact that she was with a good friend of yours while the two of you were not a couple.

Now, it feels you're trying to justify the break up by saying the two of you decided "not to put a label" on your relationship while you were out of town. You have to understand that by not putting a label on things, you're both free to date. I think you were avoiding that issue by having the "label" conversation. But now it's happened again, and the pattern here is showing you that when you're out of town for extended periods of time, and not officially together during those breaks, she's going to date other people.

It really seems like this is all a misunderstanding between the two of you on the expectations you had and have for each other. You have to be clear to yourself about what you want from a relationship and then you have to be clear with her. If the two of you are in agreement on what you both want, then there won't be a problem, but she wants to date when you're out of town, and you don't want her to. Until you are both clear on this, you're going to stay unhappy.

I hope that helps!

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April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Is she interested?


So I am currently dating 3 girls casually, but there is this girl (lets call her Hannah) I hung out with a few times from my class last semester who I have a huge crush on. So last semester we went for lunch and had coffee a few times and we get along incredibly well; whenever we talk it's like time just flies by. But then after a few times, she kept saying refusing to go lunch even though we'd been in the library the entire day together, to which her friend would make things a bit awkward by saying she should have lunch with me. After that, I just stopped trying and started going out with other girls and sometimes casually talking to Hannah through IM's and in class (we always sat next to each other).

So a few weeks ago, the new semester started and I don't have any classes with her now. 2 weeks ago we all decided to go out with our group of friends and she kept passing up advances from all the other guys and she wanted to be the only one in my car with me when we drove to the bar. Needless to say, we started making out at the bar. But I did something stupid; I hinted that I wanted to go back to her place ( since she lives a few streets from the bar.) and i got shot down. I didn't text her till 3 days afterwards and it wasn't awkward at all, but then a mutual friend of ours who is still in her class asked me if i was going to her houseparty the next day? I wasn't invited so obviously I said no. From that point I kept thinking of reasons why I wasn't invited. then he sent me a text an hour before the party saying he was going at 9 and that she asked him if I was coming. I went to the party and everything was fine between us, and we even gave each other a few glances and there was an intimate moment, but nothing happened. So we went to a bar and she just started ignoring me and kept going to that mutual friend of ours. Then I went home at 4 am. She sent me a text at 5 am (my battery was dead so I only got the text when I started charging it) saying: Text me when you're home so i can go to sleep, bitch.

And now she's always hanging out with that guy and everything and I just feel awkward now. I don't know what to do? I never run after a girl, I mean I'm dating 3 girls (she doesn't know about them) and the only girl I want to be with is her. Plus everyone knows there's something between us so maybe she's scared? i don't know anymore :?

- Benny