Relationship Advice Forum

I've been married for a year and I am having an issue with my wife's sexual past. She is 33, I'm 45. We dated for a couple of months before having sex. She told me that she needed to get to know someone before having sex with them, that she didn't believe in one night stands and that she hadn't been with that many men.

As it turns out she has been with many men. She started having sex at 14 and has been active ever since. What bothers me most is that she seems proud of her sexual past and talks about her past when she is angry with me. She says things like "I fucked a lot when I was young", "I fucked everywhere I went" (she's travelled extensively), and "I fucked the best of the best". She has also mentioned specific guys that "she's fucked" (her words) and has even shown pictures. As it turns out she was a wild child and in her 20's was into clubbing and the party scene. She told me some specific stories and has since retracted some of them so I don't know what to believe.

After hearing her talk about her past I think of her as a slut. Also, I don't trust that she will be loyal to me. I've had my own encounters but for some reason her past and most of all the way that she talks about it both me. I can't seem to let it go.

Do you have a specific question?

How do I deal with her past when it bothers me so much?

Well, how long did you date her before the two of you married? I understand you dated a few months before you had sex, and that's normal, but how long did you date her before you married her.

Did you only find out about her past during the marriage, and if so, was it only during fights? In other words, how did you find out that she wasn't who she had presented herself to be?

we dated for a year before marriage. Some things came out before marriage most after and yes most of it was spoken when she was angry

Okay, so it sounds like you were dating her for a year, and in the beginning she misled you about her sexual past, but then she did tell you about some of it, which contradicted what she told you earlier in that year before you married. So you had an inkling, at least, that she was withholding her past from you when you married her.

Now, it really sounds like the problem isn't that she had a sexual past -- it sounds like the two of you are fighting, and she's using this past of hers to try to hurt you -- and she's succeeding. Words can be very hurtful, and she's figured that out and is using them. I don't know if she's been married before or not, but whatever her past was, you are the one she married, and I trust that that was a commitment she took seriously -- but now she's angry about something, and she doesn't know how to resolve it with you, so she's lashing out.

And instead of trying to work on the problem that is causing the fighting, you're now focusing on the symptoms of the fight -- the angry words about her past and your inadequacies in comparison -- and you're lashing out at her by calling her a slut and claiming mistrust when she's not saying she's going to cheat on you -- she's choosing safe ways to hurt you by talking about her past -- not her present. If she was going to cheat on you, I think she'd tell you, since the gloves seem to be off. Clearly, you're both hurting each other.

My advice is to figure out what it is you're REALLY fighting about, and focus on that. I don't think her past is the problem -- it's what you two are fighting about now, that is.

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