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Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#1
Hi April,

First, thank you for taking the time here. I'll try to be as concise as possible to paint the picture of where I'm at with this girl. If it matters, I'm 30 and she's 25. Neither have been married or have kids. I've had good jobs since I graduated college, have owned a home since right out of college, and am "stable." She's kind of dabbled in different jobs since school and has lived off Daddy's support. Not lazy at all and very intelligent, just still "finding herself."

I met this girl in March 2014. She was friends with a girl friend of mine, and the girl friend of mine invited me over to this girl's apartment to hangout with them. It was just the 3 of us plus her roommate, this little Indian dude. I knew of this girl from pictures and always wanted to get the chance to meet her because she's a total smoke show. We're talking a 10. We started drinking and hanging out and this girl was clearly flirting and interested with me. She eventually asked if I'd stay and "cuddle with her." We fooled around some, she wanted sex, but I was literally sick from drinking so much that night and I thought there was potential for more with her based off our vibe that night. I told her we shouldn't that night, but I'd love to take her out on a proper date.

We had a couple of dates that went really well. I didn't push to sleep with her yet, I wanted to get to know her and found conversation with her was easy. We just clicked. I hold car doors and am a real throwback gentleman in that way. I took mental note when she mentioned her favorite flowers (orchids) and left some at her door one night for her to find when she got home. She started being flakey with excuses when I tried to make more plans. Eventually she said she had started seeing someone else and that was that.

We shared the common friend and I'd see her out from time to time. It was always friendly, and I still really liked her. I'd occasionally text or snap her something being funny, get a little back and forth, and if it went well I'd try and get her to meet for drinks or something. She'd always say maybe but never would come through. One night several months back I saw her out and she sat down with me and we started talking about how life was going, etc. She got kind of emotional and said she wanted to tell me she was really sorry for how she treated me then. Said the way I treated her was amazing and she really appreciated it. I told her I appreciated her telling me that.

In recent weeks we had texted/snap chatted a little more frequently and a little more flirting. I would still initiate the texts, but she'd snap me sometimes what seemed pretty clearly just for me and not several people. I knew at this point she had moved about 40 miles away from where we live to her parents. I didn't know why, but had the impression something bad happened. She had deactivated FB and stopped posting on Instagram, which she used to do all the time. Her parents live in a small town and we live in a big city. Seemed she went off the grid. My cousin/best bud was turning 30 and asked me to go with him, his wife, and his parents (my aunt/uncle) to Nashville (about 3.5 hours away) to celebrate. We have another cousin engaged to a baseball player for the Nashville Sounds baseball team. We were going to go to his game, then to the bars. This was the weekend before last. She lived on the way and I thought about her there with her parents, likely bored, and asked her the night before if she'd be up for a spur of the moment Nashville trip. I told her I was driving separate and staying in my own room, so it wasn't going to be awkward with my family. She agreed...which honestly shocked me a little.

I picked her up that afternoon and the vibe was great from the start. She immediately told me what she moved back to her parents. Her roommate and former BFF that I mentioned at the beginning had apparently become a huge partier and got into drugs. She'd give him rent money and he'd behind her back just use it on cocaine. She lost her job she loved because his parties kept her up all night and she wasn't sleeping. One night she was asleep and was awakened by his hands down her pants and his penis in her face. She had her friends make him leave the apartment, but then was evicted because rent wasn't being paid. She told me she was seeing a therapist over this and was staying home another month or so before moving back and getting a new place. She said she really needed the trip and was super excited and thanked me very genuinely. She reached for my hand and held it the whole car ride basically. We had a blast just joking around and talking about whatever. Again, we just really, really click. I make her laugh and she is the only girl I've known that could make me laugh too. There is also obvious sexual tension and attraction on both sides.

We go to the baseball game and meet up with my cousin and crew. She really hits if off with them as well and vice versa. We're having drinks and enjoying ourselves. She's still holding my hand everywhere, we had a few smooches, lots of touching my thigh when we sat, etc. We go back to the room to get ready for the bars and wait on my cousin and crew to pick us up in the Uber. We start going at it hot and heavy...initiated mainly by her as I'm more shy. We get interrupted by them calling saying they were there. We go to the bars and she's on me all night. Never leaves my side, always touching and holding me. We kiss several times. We go back to the room and we go at it intense. I won't go into huge detail but I'm quite sure her compliments of me were very sincere and the chemistry was off the charts. Then came the pillow talk after...

While we were actually starting to go at it kissing she told me she was "falling for me." Then during our pillow talk I asked her why she ditched me a year ago. She got emotional and said she had never been treated so well by someone so genuine and it freaked her out. She pushed me away because of this she said. She said I was perfect...and the type of guy, and she paused kinda tearing up saying this, that she could "fall in love with." She said to be patient with her, because she wanted to give us a real chance. We had drank that night, but we weren't "smashed." Everything she said I could see looking in her eyes was real and not just drunk talk.

I drive her home and although she still is holding my hand driving, she is quite. Maybe she was just tired I thought. We text a little that night but then I started getting in my own head and made mistakes...acting clingy and insecure. At this point, especially with what she said, I'm thinking about her all the time and feeling strong feelings.

I asked her late that Sunday night (8 days ago) if she really meant all that she said. The next day around noon she says it had been a busy day and she'd respond to that in a bit. Over Monday-Wednesday I would send a fairly long repetitive text saying how great she was and how I just wanted to know if she was feeling the same...yes I know this is scaring her. She'd always several hours later give a reason she was busy and say she'd get back but never would. Finally Wednesday night she says she's going through too much stuff right now and isn't ready for a relationship. I figured that is what she was going to eventually say, but I got almost obsessed with wanting her to address where things stood. I kinda apologize for blowing her up and blame it on just liking her and being left wondering. I say I understand she's going through stuff and didn't want to force a relationship. I said I wanted to just be supportive if she needs someone and for us to spend time together when we could and have fun. She says she can do that.

Her Birthday was coming up (2 days ago on this past Saturday). I had a really nice arrangement of orchids and some chocs sent to her house Thursday. She sent me a pic of it when she got it and said it was the best arrangement she'd ever gotten. She sent me a little snap video thanking me blowing me a kiss. We had a few flirty snaps back and forth and it seemed things were positive again. Then...

This past Friday I asked her what her birthday plans were. She simply said she was coming into town for the weekend. This means going out to the bars with her friends. No mention to invite me along...I just say "if you need some arm candy let me know." She says "lol okie dokie." I'm thinking this is bad she doesn't want me included in her plans at all. I've came on too strong and she might not want any "stress" of me crowding her when she is wanting to have fun and relax with friends. I'm hoping no other guys are involved and the reason. I wish her happy birthday at night, she just says thanks but no "meet me here" or booty call or anything. I'm bummed.

Sunday (yesterday) afternoon I tell her I'd like to see her again soon and invite her to dinner. She lives about 45-50 minutes away. She says she just spent the weekend here, had a lot going on, wasn't sure. I really am losing my cool at this point. I say that if she is trying to just let me down easy, then she can be upfront and just tell me. She then drops a bomb on me...she says "you're kinda overwhelming me." At this point it really sinks in...I went overboard with my feelings reacting to what he said on that weekend trip. I'm like wanting to go full throttle with this girl and she wasn't ready for that. She added she was going through a lot and needed me to understand that. I say I'm sorry, I do, and would back off and give her that space.

I have read enough to know that at this point "no contact is best." I didn't text her at all today, which sadly felt like an accomplishment for me. I got 1 snap from her of what she cooked for dinner for her folks, but that could have been sent to many people. I didn't respond to it. My bottomline question...does this sound like I've killed all attraction or can showing her I can give her space salvage things? She has that big arrangement of flowers she sees every day to remind her of me. She seemed to very clearly be into me just a week ago on that trip. I know I'd need to take it slow with her, but this one is special...I've been out with a lot of other attractive girls but never the same connection. I know I sound pathetic with these confessions but I'm considered to be a desireable guy. I'm good looking (so I'm told), have a good career, etc, etc. I look good on paper and girls think I'm funny and sweet.

Thoughts? Thanks so much!

Re: Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#2
You did come on too strong, and the way to fix it, now, is to temper the chase. Don't call her so often. Don't ask her out as often. And don't press her for a commitment. Try to go with the flow and enjoy her company. That's the best way to get back on track. ;)


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April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#4
I can't give you the odds of your fixing this because I'm not there, and there are so many different nuances that occur in any interaction.... You are the one who's got the front row seat. ;) Ask yourself that question.

Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful "like" us on FB -- and tell a friend!
https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.E ... ril.Masini
And... you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter @AskAprilcom
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#5
Well doesn't look good. I let 3 days go with no contact then today briefly apologized for "overwhelming" her and explained why. I said that because she opened up saying she was falling for me and knowing she was going through tough personal stuff, I tried too hard to show my interest in her was genuine. She only responded with "I understand."

I think at this point all I can do is see if she reaches out to me on her own at some point. Meanwhile probably need to accept this was a brief love affair that won't go anywhere. Bummer.

Re: Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#6
Relationships that don't endure are lessons we can learn from if we choose to. :) In the best cases, we use the knowledge from the mistakes made, to do even better next time around. :D This is an opportunity, even though it doesn't feel like one right now.

Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful "like" us on FB -- and tell a friend!
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And... you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter @AskAprilcom
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#7
Well to update she had reached out to me and we made plans for a date. Then a few days later she tells me she spent the previous night in the hospital. Somebody had roofied her at a Kentucky Derby party. She was really upset as she had only a month or so again been molested in her sleep by her roommate.

I wrote her a really nice poem and left it for her to find and read. I put a lot into it...it was personal, it was sweet, it was funny at times...I was proud of it. She told me it left her speechless. She said it was perfect and made her cry. She even showed her mom. She told me it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for her.

I showed my support in tough times for her but I'm not making it about going on dates and commitment to me. I'm just being there. I hope when she's ready to start dating again that it's me.

Re: Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#8
I do, too. :D

Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful "like" us on FB -- and tell a friend!
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April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Did I come on too strong and can I fix?

#10
It can be enormously helpful to hear from someone who has been through it themselves. Cheaters often exploit their partner’s desire to trust by telling their partners exactly what they want to hear. Suspicion is a very strong emotion and it’s difficult to hide. Suspicious individuals tend to signal their doubts by making accusations, acting anxiously, being overly inquisitive, and so on.
Simply speaking, suspicion tends to help cheaters cheat more effectively. If your spouse is cheating, and you signal your doubts and suspicions, it’s going to be much more difficult to discover the truth. A cheating spouse’s worst fear is getting caught. So, cheating spouses constantly monitor their partners for signs of suspicion. If a cheating spouse detects suspicion, he/she will adjust his/her behavior to better hide and conceal the affair.

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