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Should I feel guilty?

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How long have the two of you been together:
11 years

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United States

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My ex and I dated for 5 years and have been very close friends for the following 6 years. We've had a very sexual relationship all those years and while we did date other people we still maintained contact with each other. On Valentine's Day I lost my job and went through many personal problems. In that time he became very cold and said he had a new relationship and said we could no longer talk. His new girlfriend and I knew each other and have mutual friends. About two weeks ago my "best friend" informed she was now texting my ex. She even showed me conversation between them that were mostly about me and his current girlfriend. I thought this was a huge betrayal and stopped talking to her. Earlier this week my exes current girlfriend began texting me. She discovered the messages between everyone and it rattled her. She broke up with him and was texting me saying she never wanted him back, he has too much drama, that they are basically through. My ex began calling and texting me as well. He was saying the opposite, that they were gonna work it out and get back together. He then began to tell me that I should get out of his life again because they were getting back together. At that point I showed him what I knew. I showed him all the messages that she had no intention of reuniting with him. Now he is angry with me and I feel guilty but should I be? I didn't want him to be hurt, only to know he was wasting his time and she was double crossing him? Is there any hope that we will ever be friends again? Was I wrong in showing him the truth?

Re: Should I feel guilty?

The big problem here is that you and your ex-boyfriend are not friends -- and you're trying to be -- and it's not working. :? A friend isn't someone you sleep with. But even if you don't agree with me on that, I know you'll agree that a friend isn't someone who's there for you when he's not dating, but is when he isn't. That's not friendship. That's not loyalty. And that's not where you should be investing your energy. ;) The big problem is your relationship with your ex-boyfriend because he's there when he's single and tells you to stay out of his life when he's dating someone. So, my advice is to move on and let him go. You had a relationship that ended. He's not your friend. Next!

As for the micro-dynamics within that dysfunctional relationship, I would have counseled you to distance yourself from the drama. When your best friend confided in you that she was texting your ex, you learned something about her and let that relationship go. Then, your ex's girlfriend started texting you to dump her relationship problems with your ex on you. Not a great choice on her part, but... I would have suggested you use a boundary with her because her attempt at drawing you into her relationship drama was inappropriate. I would also have told you not to show your ex the texts between his ex-girlfriend and your ex-best friend, etc. -- because it was just stirring the pot (a pot you were not really part of). And now, your ex-boyfriend is asking you to get lost so he can try and work things out with his recent ex-girlfriend. Can you see, reading this, how there's really nothing in this for you, except drama?

Move on. Let your ex-boyfriend go. Focus on healthy relationships -- without gossip or drama. :) You deserve that.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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