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Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#1
Are you male or female:
Male

Is the person your question is about male or female:
Female

What is your age:
37

What are the ages of the other people involved:
36

What is your relationship status:
Single

What is the relationship status of the person you are dating:
Single

How long have the two of you been together:
5 months, 7 years ago

Is this an online only relationship:
No

Have you ever had a date in person, face-to-face:
No

If this is a long distance relationship, how often do you physically see each other:
not anymore

If you’re engaged, when is the wedding date:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, but there is no wedding date set — why not:
Does not apply

Are you divorced or just separated:
Does not apply

How long have you been divorced:
Does not apply

How long has the person you are dating been divorced:
Does not apply

How many kids do you each have, and how old are they:
none

What country do you live in:
usa

Describe any cultural, religious or family influences impacting your relationship:
no

I broke up with a gf 7 years ago. We never fought. At the end of the relationship, I kind of drifted because of some personal things(I wanted more out of my career, band etc.) as well as being sick for a couple of weeks. I hadn't seen her much the last month and a half. I never cheated. After she broke up with me I expressed everything. I told her it wasnt her. I told her how beautiful she was and how much I cared. I started sending emails. Trying to express every thought I had. Emails would be sent every couple weeks and they kept spacing apart in time from then on. flowers etc.. I did all I could to try to express how I really felt. I never crossed boundaries, no phone calls,showing up at her doorstep..
I got over her eventually. it took well over a year and a half. Fast forward 7 years. I'll have an occasional dream of her. The other week I went as far as to send her an email..the first in 5 and a half/6 years. I reached out asking if she wants to be friends and that I often think of her and hope for the best for her. I did send another email a few days later to clarify that I'm reaching out as friends, not to rekindle a romance. I also send a facebook friend request, which wasnt accepted yet. in the email I said that if she is in a relationship, kindly disregard this email because I would respect their relationship. I also saw her on a dating site so I think she's single. She hasnt contacted me. I do want to be friends, although I will always be attracted to her and would hope for more.
What should I do next if anything? I really want talk speak again.

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#2
First of all, lose the guise of getting back together because you want to be friends. Be honest with yourself, and with her. You don't want to be friends. You want more. 8-) And understand that from her point of view, your popping up, seven long years after the break up, to ask for friendship, sounds ingenious. :? That's probably why you're getting no response from her. It's much more effective to be honest in relationships. You may risk rejection, but you'll cut to the chase a lot more quickly than if you try to use an offer of friendship to leverage yourself into her life. If she did take you up on the friendship offer, she'd learn eventually that you want more and there'd be confusion and reconsideration. So, be up front from the start. :)

Second, understand that she broke up with you because she wasn't getting the attention in the relationship she wanted. It sounds like you were preoccupied with work, illness, etc., and that the relationship fell apart because of neglect or disinterest on your part. Even though she dumped you, she did so because she was hurt. She felt rejected in the relationship -- so if you're coming back and wanting a second chance, address that issue. ;) Show her you're not someone who will do that again. Make a grand gesture with roses and an apology and an offer for a romantic dinner. It's been seven years -- if you're going to stand a chance, you have to make a splash and let her know why she should say yes, and what's in it for her if she does.

I hope that helps! :)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#3
I just noticed she denied my friend request on facebook. (theres a way to tell) And Im so broken about it right now. I feel that I may need to resort to your advice and be straightforward.
I feel weird about sending the mails last week ..about being friends..and then replying right away about 'really' wanting more. How do I go about this?
I made so many apologies in the past that I feel more would seem too desperate. Ive tried in the past to say I have learned from the past.
Please contact me asap about this. or if there's a way to chat in person. Im feeling really broken about it

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#4
I'm sorry you're upset.

Give yourself (and her) some space between your last friendship request and your future romantic request. Wait a few weeks before approaching her again. When you do approach her, you have to take a completely different approach and master the art of the apology. You hurt her feelings when the two of you were dating, and she broke up with you because she was hurt. If she'll give you another chance it will be because she sees that you truly realize what you did wrong -- she is going to want to see you being the one who did something wrong, so even if it wasn't you, let it be you for the sake of this step in the process. And, she is going to want to see that you've realized your mistake and how you'll do things differently if she'll give you the chance. This can't be a typical request for a date, because the two of you have history together. You can't pick up where you left off and you can't act as if it didn't happen. You have to make a grand gesture that accomplishes your goal. Focus on the result, and try not to get caught up in feelings or petty details. Send her a dozen roses. If that doesn't work, go bigger. What you've been doing isn't working, so change course. ;)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#5
If I sent flowers they would get ignored because I've done that in the past after the breakup. I dont know her address anyway. It's been so long.
I just wrote a whole email (didnt send yet) to her saying that facebook shows me that my friend request was denied and that I was a little taked back by it. upset.
but also I go on to say how beautiful she was having finally seen a pic of her after all these years.
Im thinking that maybe when I said 'lets be friends, she thought I perhaps wasnt attracted to her anymore after seeing her facebook. (shes a little heavier now) but obviously it doesnt matter to me! I go on to say how beautiful she looks now and also say that I would be fooling myself if I said I didnt want another shot.
I also go on to say: please consider that its been 7 years. and people change. Lastly I ask her to dinner.. a fancy dinner. I also said it would be a good chance to finally show her a song I wrote for her. (that could be that extra stretch you were talking about)
Do you think it would be a huge error to send this right away? Its kind of bugging me that she obviosuly doesnt want friendship and I want closure as much as possible as soon as possible (because Im feeling terrible) But whatever you think. Let me know. Im thinking maybe, just maybe she'd like to know what i really think of her now. Rather than being an ex who just sees her as friends.

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#6
I think you should wait to make the next move. The reason is that it's going to make you look too needy if you follow up this soon. I know it's tough to hold back, and I know that you want closure quickly and you want to find out if you've got a shot right this second, but I think you will look more measured, mature, and interested in the long haul with her, if you rein in any impetuous behaviors. So, if you can, wait. Give it a week if you can, before responding.

When you do contact her, don't lead with her rejection of your social media request. You both know it's happened, so don't bring it up. It's a negative, and you want to keep things upbeat. Instead, lead with how beautiful she looks and how you now realize your mistake about saying you wanted friendship and how you were trying to fool yourself because you want so much more than that with her and for her. As for the roses -- that was just me tossing out a grand gesture. Use whatever works for her -- but make it about her. Stay focused on the goal, which is not to express your emotions -- it's to win her over. The song you wrote is great, but make sure it's something she would want more than something you want to give her. Make this about her. Keep your eye on the goal and strategize. If you slow down and don't react, you're more likely to make this next connection a more powerful one. ;)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#7
hi again. I am following up from last week(we were last on the private forum)

Anyway, to recap, 7 years after the breakup, I sent the ''lets be friends letters''. and facebook request (she rejected).. You told me to say how I REALLY feel. So I sent my grand gesture, the song I wrote about her and email saying all I feel about her, along with asking her to dinner.

As of now(its been a few days) I havent heard from her still...the song was so good too. I put a LOT into it. I dont know why its so hard to reach her...

At one point in the other posting, you said " I think your note to her is good! Now, give the song and letter to her.... and follow up a week later with a concrete invitation to dinner -- time, date and place"
Do you still think I should do that, or do you think I shouldnt send any more mails? I dont want to push her away I trust whatever you say.
If I do, what exactly should I say in it? how should I structure it...and any other final words to her.. and if you have any more questions for me let me know
thanks.

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#8
I'm sorry you didn't get the response you wanted. I think that at this point, you shouldn't write to her any more. Give it one last shot by picking up the phone and calling her. Leave her a sexy voice message saying you'd love to talk to her and better yet, take her to dinner. If she calls you back, it's game on. And if she picks up make the phone call about her, and then about how much you'd like to take her to dinner. If she doesn't pick up or return your call, then you need to move forward. :( It's important to take your shot and leave no stone unturned, so you don't wake up nights wondering if you could have done things differently or better. And you have done that! If she's not interested, for whatever reason, then you have to let it go and move on. So, make the phone call and if you get a green light, roll with it. If you don't, know you gave it your all and it's time to find someone new. ;)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Thinking of her all of a sudden many years later

#10
I don't think that looking up her phone number online is stalking. If you don't have it and you want to find it, the internet is a great tool! Plus, using it to simply ask her out on a date isn't stalking. Obviously, don't do anything illegal to get it -- but rolling up your sleeves and working hard to get the phone number of a woman you want to date isn't weird. It's industrious! If you call her non-stop, that's stalking and harassment, but simply searching online to find a number of a woman you want to take to dinner, and making one call, is totally fine! :D You could also ask a mutual friend for her number, or call her at work. If you really want to make that call.... there's got to be a way to get a phone number. ;)

However.... if you ultimately can't get her phone number, then I think it's time to call it a day and move on. You've given it your best shot, and if she can't see your value, or if she thinks you're not compatible, then there's not a lot more you can do. And sometimes moving on is the best thing to do. It's great to try, but not to bang your head against a closed door.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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