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Boyfriend on Dating Sites

#1
Are you male or female:
Female

Is the person your question is about male or female:
Male

What is your age:
29

What are the ages of the other people involved:
32

What is your relationship status:
In Committed Relationship

What is the relationship status of the person you are dating:
In Committed Relationship

How long have the two of you been together:
We have been together for 8 months, living together for 4 months with his parents who leave this weekend.

Is this an online only relationship:
No

Have you ever had a date in person, face-to-face:
Yes

If this is a long distance relationship, how often do you physically see each other:
We live together and have for 4 months

If you’re engaged, when is the wedding date:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, but there is no wedding date set — why not:
Does not apply

Are you divorced or just separated:
Does not apply

How long have you been divorced:
Does not apply

How long has the person you are dating been divorced:
He has been separated from his ex for 3 years

How many kids do you each have, and how old are they:
He has one 5 year old son which I help to raise in our house

What country do you live in:
Australia

Describe any cultural, religious or family influences impacting your relationship:
There are none, his parents have been living with us from England for 4 months and go home in 4 days. They have been great to live with

I caught my boyfriend using dating sites. When confronted about their use, he denied it, saying he couldn't believe I would think of him that way and that I was crazy for thinking he would do anything to hurt me because I am the love of his life. Then said I was ruining his happy night as it was his final day at work that day. He had been on the site while we were on a family holiday with his son and parents while I was in the other room helping his son to write a birthday card for his granddad. He had been on the site for a month before I found out.

The following day, we woke up and I said "I know what you have been doing on the dating sites, be honest and tell me" he denied it again and I showed him the screenshots of his account profile and the women he was liking. He said "what do you want me to say, you have me cornered." He did not seem to care. Later that night we had an argument where I threatened to leave him and he begged me to stay and he promised he would never do it again. After he said sorry, he said now you are not to bring this up anymore because I don't want to hear about it. He then said if I did it would end our relationship and if I didn't bring it up we could work it out. It is driving my brain insane though!!! I am unsure what to do?
Before I found this we got along really well, we like the same interests. Now I feel it was all just a lie and I wish it wasn't that way.

Please help?

Re: Boyfriend on Dating Sites

#2
Your live-in boyfriend is going on dating sites, interacting with other women, and has been looking for dates for about a month. You've caught him, and he's pretty much admitted it. I know you're disappointed and you want him to stop. You want a commitment that is monogamous, and you're surprised by his behavior that he hid from you. You're also confused because he tells you how much he loves you when you get upset about his behavior. However, the reality is that he's holding onto you until he finds someone he'd rather date, and he's actively looking. You mentioned that he's been divorced for three years now, and the two of you have been living together for eight months now and that you're helping to raise his young son. You didn't mention how long the two of you dated prior to living together, so I'm going to assume it wasn't long. Sounds like the decision to move in together was rushed, given what you're learning about him in month eight, and that he started looking for dates in month seven. :oops:

My advice is that you change your behavior instead of looking to him to change his. It's easy to give ultimatums -- but they usually fail, and when you're giving them this early in a relationship, it's usually because there is a compatibility problem. Unfortunately, if you want monogamy, I think you have to take a step backwards and move out of his place and look for it elsewhere. He's not ready for it, and after seven months of living together, he started looking for dates. You can still date him when you move out, but you have to understand that he's playing the field (and you should, too), because he's still looking for his Ms. Right. For future, wait a year before moving in with someone. It allows you to use the dating process to really get to know a person and to see if he's someone you want a commitment with. Of course, sometimes people find out these secrets in long-term marriages, but if you hadn't been living together, this might have played out differently. Woulda, shoulda, coulda -- but given where you are, it's time to move on and look for monogamy with someone who wants it with you, as well.

I hope this helps.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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