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Resentment in long distance

#1
My bf recently moved away in may to pursue his dream of professional golf. we both knew we didnt want to do long distance & as it got closer to him leaving he cheated on me when he was very drunk one night. he denied that he slept with her & swore by that so i believed him. then the time came for him to leave and it was really tough for us. we planned to keep in touch cause we've been best friend but it ended up being more than that & we basically are talking every single day as if we are doing long distance cause we miss each other so much. He came clean a couple weeks ago that he did sleep with that girl & had been lying about it for months. This was so tough for me because i lost ALL trust i had for him. I have seen a huge change in him day by day & how he does want to build back trust & really wants to make us work. I'm very vocal when i have a problem & what i expect out of him & he says he'll do whatever it takes to make it work. I love him so much & want to make it work as well but i hold so much resentment towards him which is making it so tough & him being thousands of miles away makes it even harder. He could just be going out for a beer & i automatically get mad. its so not right and not me, thats not a relationship i want to be in. but i do want to be with him im just not sure i can move past this resentment i hold towards him and learn to trust him again when hes not even here. How can i let go of being cheated on and lied to to get back to a good place?

Re: Resentment in long distance

#2
I feel your pain and I'm sorry you're so hurt, but this isn't the same thing as a boyfriend who pretends everything is fine and then cheats on you and never tells you. This is different. The two of you are in your early 20s, and after dating for two years, and then breaking up so he could pursue a career out of town, this relationship became especially painful. When you mutually decided not to do long distance, he slept with this other woman at what he thought was the end of your relationship with him, to try and move forward. This wasn't because he didn't love you. It was because the two of you decided to end things. I know it's technically cheating, but there's a bigger picture here, and perspective will help you process this. He didn't tell you about his one night stand for several months because he didn't want to hurt you and there didn't seem like there was a future together with you at the time.

Now, you're doing long distance, and this incident he had with another woman feels like cheating, but I don't think he would have done it if the two of you had planned to continue your relationship. That's why this isn't the same thing as cheating in a traditional sense. I'm sure your pain is very real. But if you can see your part in this maybe you can heal. This didn't happen in a vacuum. He slept with this other woman because the two of you were ending your relationship and he was hurting. He was trying to fast forward his life and move on. He lied about it because your relationship was supposed to end and he didn't want to hurt you. This wasn't about just him or just you. Now, the way to get past this is understanding and compassion. You're two young adults separating after two years of romance, for a career decision, and struggling with what comes next. This other woman isn't important to him. She was a way for him to move on. But now that you're back with him, you have to let it go so it doesn't become something that, ironically, will break the two of you up.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.
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