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Dumbfounded after snooping

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5 years

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Both sets of parents married for many years but not in happy relationships

I've been married for about a year. My husband and I decided to try for a baby recently and we were pregnant in about 4 months but sadly lost the baby at 15 weeks. This was 6 weeks ago. We were both so excited for a baby and when I lost the baby he was an incredible support. He was just what i needed emotionally.
My husband wasn't really interested in sex from the time I got pregnant until now. although he says he wants to try again for a baby, he doesn't ever initiate sex although he is often affectionate. He lashed out at me a couple of times recently (nothing physical) and since I was getting confused about his behavior, I did something i regretted - I snooped on his phone.
I never expected to find what I did. He had two accounts on dating websites and I found text messages with a "masseuse" while I was out of town the other night. It seems to have been more of a prostitute as he was meeting her at a hotel and her website had nude photos.

Now I don't know what to do. I love this man but I am completely blindsided. Do I confront him? How do I approach this?? I am devastated. I really want to have a child and am worried that because of my age this may be my only chance. However I know I can't knowingly bring a child Into this situation. If what I found is real (and I think it must be) can I ever trust him again? We are both intelligent, highly educated professsionals and I keep thinking that I can reason my way out of this...I just dont know how. I haven't told anyone about this as I am mortified.....but am now feeling very isolated.

Thanks. Caleigh

Re: Dumbfounded after snooping

I'm sorry you lost the baby six weeks ago. That's got to be devastating -- and not just for you. Your husband is clearly acting out, and although you found out that he's on dating sites and seeing what may be a prostitute, by snooping.... you have to talk to him. Admit what that what you did was wrong and prepare for him to make that the focus of his feelings. He's going to lash out and project his anger at being found out, onto you. Let him. Don't argue. Just apologize and let that storm blow over so you get to the bottom of what's going on. Unless there's a history of this, I think that he's having complicated feelings about the loss of the pregnancy and his role as a man in that scenario, as well as in the marriage to someone who's going through this as the mother. Don't underestimate the impact losing the pregnancy has on the father. If you can get him talking about what's going on and what he's looking for, you may be able to help him heal and help the marriage heal, as well as yourself.

I know you're worried about getting pregnant again, after losing the pregnancy at 15 weeks, and because you're 37 and not 27, but wait. This is not a scenario in which you should be trying to get pregnant. You have to create stability in your marriage first. This is going to be a challenge, and it's going to seem unfair, but you don't want to bring a child into an unstable or failing marriage, and you have to take care of your relationship with your husband in order to be a good parent. So focus on the marriage, and let me know if you have any more questions.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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