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Partner contacted his ex...

#1
My bf & I have been together for 3 yrs.We have lived together for over a year now.. He has only had one other girlfriend & they broke up in 2013.She left him while he was away at work & refused to speak to him for 3 years.Last year in Aug, she sent him a txt apologising for leaving him all those years ago, explained her side, asked to catch up & said that her new relationship had just failed & now she knew how it felt to be left alone.His reply was very blunt. He thanked her for apologising & ignored her request to meet up.She kept txting & he asked her to stop txting & blocked her number. In Oct (2 months after the original message), he called her while very drunk at a bucks party & I found out the next morning & of course got very upset. He said it was because he had questions to ask her. I was extremely upset at him calling her but let it go as he insisted he didn't have any feelings for her & that he loved me. He called her again while drunk in April (3 mnths ago now). It was the night before I was flying to a new city to move with him for his new job. Other than these 2 phone calls, he doesn’t speak to her & there is nothing that makes me question his feelings for me. He has had her blocked on Fbook since they broke up in 2013 & blocked her number on his iphone when she was txting him in Aug (you can still call out to blocked numbers though so that's how he was able to drunk call her!). He hasn't disagreed or argued when I've expressed my feelings about them communicating.

Re: Partner contacted his ex...

#2
What you have to remember is that your boyfriend didn't get satisfactory closure from his last breakup, and because it was his first girlfriend, it was a big deal. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you -- it just means that there is unfinished business and until he takes care of that, it's always going to be "out there" like an elephant in the room, with you dreading his feelings for her. Sometimes, you have to face your fears to get past them. Instead of suggesting that he not see her and block her, why not do the opposite. Encourage him to sit down with her over coffee in the daytime, and to have a pow wow about what happened, and where they both are now. It's a very mature step that requires a lot of generosity on your part, but I think it's the best way to deal with this situation. You're obviously upset and concerned, and he's drunk dialing her because connecting with her is in his subconscious and he doesn't feel right doing it when he's not drunk. Give him permission. If, after three years of dating you, he feels that he wants to be with her -- better to know that now. And if after three years, he meets with her and gets out what he needed to say, and comes back to you, with a deeper intimacy and respect for you, then the two of you will have tackled this obstacle together. I hope that helps.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.
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