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Dear readers and forum members:

Thank you so much for the Ask April Relationship Advice Forum. What a warm and welcoming community!

Due to the demands of launching my new company, AIFI (American Initiative for Film Industry Research Institute & Development Council), I'm so sorry to say that I must suspend forum activity.

I wish you all the very best, always.

April
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Desperately need help!

#1
Hi April!
I am 23 years old, and I met a wonderful man (30 years old) online back in April, and things were wonderful! He was always the one asking to go on dates, but I was very flakey because of a very serious family situation. Eventually, he told him that he wouldn’t talk to me anymore if I didn’t make the effort to see him, so I did! We hung out, and it was nothing short of amazing. However, two weeks after our date, I made lots of silly accusations, and it escalated into a fight. He wasn’t taking my calls and texts, and THERE WERE LOTS OF CALLS AND TEXTS. I left him alone for a week, but then I decided to text him, and somehow it worked and we were back to normal. We talked everyday and hung out often, and when we saw each other, it was intimate but in a cute way. No sex! Just lots of cuddling and kissing, and he seemed upset when I had to go home. Two weeks ago, he went on a vacation to visit family in the East Coast. Surprisingly, he kept in touch and was even trying to Facetime with me! He wanted me to meet his nieces and nephews on facetime, and I thought that was very special! When he got back, he was very off. I know he had to go back to a stressful work load, but he was very distant with me! He made time to see his friends when he got back, but not me. That hurt my feelings, so I addressed it with him! Last Saturday (7/22) he called me, and I told him that I felt like he wasn’t putting in effort, and he made me feel irrelevant. He gave me some reassurance, and we changed the subject. He ended the conversation with, “I need to get my car from the oil change, and I will talk to you later.” I didn’t hear from him last Saturday! Last Sunday, (7/23) I asked him for some help with a math question (he always helps me with math), and he completely ignored my message! I usually see if he read my message or not, but it currently just says “delivered.” I haven’t said anything else to him, but its so hard! I am dying to send another message. One last thing, he still has my selfie photos saved on our snapchat thread.

Re: Desperately need help!

#2
If he does reach out to you again (and I think you should wait for him to do so), put yourself in his shoes and understand that he wants to feel like a hero. That's normal for guys. Any guy wants to feel like he's making his date and partner happy and you're excited to see him. He doesn't want to feel like a failure. So when you don't get enough attention from him, instead of making it his problem and chastising him for it and making him feel like he's done something wrong, instead, make him wonder why he stayed away. 8-) Make it your problem, not his, and change your behavior. Give him reasons to want to see you as soon as he gets into town -- by being upbeat, funny, charming, sexy and light-spirited! When he feels that he's come home to someone who's going to tell him what he did wrong, he's going to want to stay away, not get closer. That's something you can work on in relationships to get what you want. ;)

Overall, it sounds like your four months of dating this guy have been bumpy. :? You had some really great times, but they've been interspersed with problems that have to do with communication and interest. You weren't that interested at first because you had family issues that were pressing, so your communication was "flakey". Then he left you alone which you didn't like, but after a while things worked themselves out. Finally, he came home from a family vacation and he was distant making you feel "irrelevant", so you addressed that, and he seems to have gone silent on you since then. If you take a few steps back, it would seem that this relationship is not a compatible one. Usually, the first four months of dating, when you're trying to figure out if this is someone you want to continue seeing or not, and you decide you do, goes more smoothly than this one has. So if he does come back to you, give my advice a try -- but if you still wind up having this many or more problems this early on, and you're both not mutually committed to making things better, then this is just a relationship that isn't compatible, and these problems are signs that you will be happier with someone who's more interested in the same thing you want.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.
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