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[Standard] Did I stuff it up already?

Posted: Thu May 10, 2018 4:50 pm
by Monique
I wasn’t looking for anything and met this guy. We got along so well. Over 1.5wks, we hung out 5 times, he asked me to meet his parents & was telling me how much he liked me. He went to US for 5 wks. While he was away, we chatted & he told me how much he missed me. I do like him, but I am petrified of getting my heartbroken again. I needed reassurance. He would tell me that he isn’t going to hurt me. He wanted to meet my mum. He told me how much he liked me and he had never met anyone like me. He said he wanted to make me his gf when he got back. He got back this wk, we spent some time together, it was great, I don’t think we could wipe the smileof our faces, there is definitely something special between us. He has never had a gf before or taken anyone home - he has a twin sister & told me that I remind him of her in a good way. When we hung out I started to feel flustered. He hasn’t given me any reason to think that, it’s my past experiences causing me to believe that. It’s like he is too good to be true and I was waiting for something bad to happen. He called me the following morning & we were working out when he should meet Mum. I became flustered, I felt pressured & said ‘maybe it’s just easier, if we end things’. I didnt think it was fair on him that I was scared. I realised I made a mistake & called to apologise but he didn’t want to continue. The next day I sent him a msg apologising & telling him that I do like him a lot and I want to prove that. I do feel like things moved fast, meeting his parents in the first 2 wks & him going US for 5 wks. He replied to the message saying that he couldn’t do it & that he does really like me but he doesn’t want something that is so hard. I get that, this has opened up my eyes & I want a 2nd chance to show him that I want to completely invest myself, he is worth it. I haven’t replied to his last msg. I want to prove that more trust will build when we spend more time together.

Re: [Standard] Did I stuff it up already?

Posted: Fri May 11, 2018 12:33 am
by April Masini
He's never had a girlfriend before, so he doesn't understand that he was rushing things. He was just excited. Usually, people spend the first three months of dating to decide if they even want to continue seeing each other -- because there's so much to learn about each other. Meeting parents in the first two months is jumping the gun. You don't know each other well enough to invest that kind of commitment and it puts pressure on a relationship that keeps you from getting to know each other naturally -- in fact, what happened to the two of you is exactly what I'm talking about. You weren't wrong to put the breaks on -- but breaking up with him over this issue was overreacting. And that's what happens when there is too much pressure on a couple. Next time you feel pressured in a relationship, try to find an upbeat and positive way to respond -- for instance, suggest that next month would be better to meet the parents because you'll know each other so much better by then. Or suggest that you'd love to meet his parents -- and ask him what he thinks about having 10 dates (or make up some number), before doing that. In other words, validate his desire, but also suggest an alternative or a way to expand on what he wants. Shutting the relationship down altogether was your reaction to the pressure he was imposing by trying to create a meeting with his mother too soon.

As to whether or not you blew it -- I don't think this is all your fault. It's a combination of his pressuring you with a parent meeting too soon, and then you overreacting. You've apologized for your part, and now, it's up to him to decide he'd like to try again, as well. Give him some time.... he's never had a girlfriend before, so this is new to him... and if he doesn't come back to you, then maybe next time you date, it would be a good idea for you to date someone who's had some positive relationship experience already, to avoid this kind of situation.