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Dear readers and forum members:

Thank you so much for the Ask April Relationship Advice Forum. What a warm and welcoming community!

Due to the demands of launching my new company, AIFI (American Initiative for Film Industry Research Institute & Development Council), I'm so sorry to say that I must suspend forum activity.

I wish you all the very best, always.

April
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Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#1
I feel that my problem is so unique/strange that I'm not sure that any advice can cure it, I've basically got to go for it i think, but want opinions on what method i should choose/ Anyway my problem is that between the ages of 11/16 I was always made fun of for my lack of experiance and knowledge when it came with women and sex or anything sexual and when I left school that stopped. But ever since then and with age/as I had gotton older my anxiety has got far worse whether its a woman appraoching me (which has happened like twice in my life), me kissing her or vice versa, and again that's rare too. Also on those occasions where i have actually kissed a girl, i dont know if i was bad or good as inever get with people i kiss, yet they come back again and then they dont bother and we're just mates after that. I dont even know if my technique is always the same and/or what it is as i'm normally drunk when this happens, but i still have control on what i'm doing/saying, etc. So yes I'm a virgin who hasn't even given/recieved oral or even had a girlfirend. And I think that's bad at my age as i'm nearly 24 years of age. Not only that, but I don't even know what to say after things happen, like inbetween/after kisses or even during/after sex/foreplay if I get it in the future. So I was wondering is there a way to cure my anxiety when it comes to sex or even kissing, so I can feel comfortable in situations and say the right things, etc?

I was also wondering is there a way to tell that a woman wants me to make the first move whereas its me approaching her or kissing, like to they give off genuine signs without them showing themselves being full on?I was also wondering is there a way to tell that a woman wants you to go further than what you're already doing. For example, say you're kissing a girl, how can you tell they are happy with you doing that or that they want you to go a bit stronger?

I hope you can help me with this as its really affecting my confidance in other areas on some days and when it doesnt it puts a dampener on my social life. SOo any help would be very much appreicated, thanks.

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#2
Reading your post gave me shivers. Your situation is sadly not AS unusual as you may think it is. I know, because I was exactly like you at one point... I was always an awkward youngster but I was a late bloomer. I didn't lose my virginity until my twenties also, and I know now that I'm not the only one... I remember feeling like you.

My best advice is... fake it till you make it. Seriously, don't think you are somehow messed up because you are a virgin. The truth is, just be confident about everything you do. And be fun and do everything to the best of your ability and focus on making a woman feel beautiful in the moment. You can't go wrong.

I remember when I was younger, I dreamed about what it must be like to somehow magically land one of those hot pretty party girls... that date all the hot popular guys etc. I remember the first time I actually slept with one of these types of girls... the thought crossed my mind that she might find me totally inadequate... but nevertheless I applied the same confidence I always have. And I just did exactly what I wanted... which was to make sure I focused on her and made her feel so beautiful. The end result... she couldn't believe how badly she wanted me... again and again.

What i'm trying to say here is... i feel for you. It's not cool especially as a man to admit you have insecurities. But just don't get too drunk, don't get caught up thinking too much or too little, and focus on the woman and make her feel wonderful.

You gotta get rid of the feeling that you are a 'victim' of virginity... just remember, the first girl you sleep with won't have any idea you're a virgin, and you won't have any idea how many times she's had sex either. So in some ways you are both virgins to eachother... so don't let it bother you.

As for the rest of your questions, they are just too many to answer. But dont' worry, just have fun, and be confident. Meet lots of women, and take care of them... and they will literally tell you when they want you... women won't stick around you longer than they want to. So if any women 'lingers' around you... talk her up.

If she REALLY is into you... women typically stand closer to you than if they are not interested... and in my opinion, they have a certain look in their eyes... you'll know it. Good luck man.

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#3
Goldengun gave you great advice. I hope that helps you.

I'd like you to buy my book, Date Out of Your League, that I've written for men who want more experience with women. You can download it immediately here: http://www.askapril.com/relationship-da ... eague.html. There is so much specific advice in here for you socially and sexually -- read it and let me know what specific questions you have afterwards. It's a quick read, and I think it will help you a lot -- after which I will, too! :)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#4
goldengun wrote:Reading your post gave me shivers. Your situation is sadly not AS unusual as you may think it is. I know, because I was exactly like you at one point... I was always an awkward youngster but I was a late bloomer. I didn't lose my virginity until my twenties also, and I know now that I'm not the only one... I remember feeling like you.

My best advice is... fake it till you make it. Seriously, don't think you are somehow messed up because you are a virgin. The truth is, just be confident about everything you do. And be fun and do everything to the best of your ability and focus on making a woman feel beautiful in the moment. You can't go wrong.

I remember when I was younger, I dreamed about what it must be like to somehow magically land one of those hot pretty party girls... that date all the hot popular guys etc. I remember the first time I actually slept with one of these types of girls... the thought crossed my mind that she might find me totally inadequate... but nevertheless I applied the same confidence I always have. And I just did exactly what I wanted... which was to make sure I focused on her and made her feel so beautiful. The end result... she couldn't believe how badly she wanted me... again and again.

What i'm trying to say here is... i feel for you. It's not cool especially as a man to admit you have insecurities. But just don't get too drunk, don't get caught up thinking too much or too little, and focus on the woman and make her feel wonderful.

You gotta get rid of the feeling that you are a 'victim' of virginity... just remember, the first girl you sleep with won't have any idea you're a virgin, and you won't have any idea how many times she's had sex either. So in some ways you are both virgins to eachother... so don't let it bother you.

As for the rest of your questions, they are just too many to answer. But dont' worry, just have fun, and be confident. Meet lots of women, and take care of them... and they will literally tell you when they want you... women won't stick around you longer than they want to. So if any women 'lingers' around you... talk her up.

If she REALLY is into you... women typically stand closer to you than if they are not interested... and in my opinion, they have a certain look in their eyes... you'll know it. Good luck man.

May i ask you, what you felt like just before/as you lost your virginity and also did/had you do stuff with women before you lost it? I know what your saying as i do over think in every situation i'm in in other areas to, for example i have answers for everything and the more people that tell to tell me to act or feel a different way, the more I do the opposite :S. Thats the thing i've gotten into the drunken state before, where its given me the confidance to appraoch her and make the first move, but it doesnt develope. I've stopped all that know as i cant get into that frame of mind when i want to and its a complete waste of money.

When i like someone and i in that kind of situation, i always make the woman feel/think like that. My way of thinking though is that if your bad at any of these things, whether its your technique, duration or knowing that she wants more of what your doing or even if its going forward then she'll think your rejecting her or that you have issues, etc and just end up leaving you.

Everytime i meet someone new they either fall into the friends category, even if i criiticise them in some way to show i'm not super nice, etc and now i've started to act more confidant in other areas of my life and still theres still no change.

That is what i tend to do, thats if shes a nice enough girl, etc as i dont want to degrade myself or give me or her false hope.

I know what you mean by tom many questions. so i'll give a list

1. How can you tell if she wants you to appraoch her in the first place, withut her being polite/friendly?
2. How do you know if she wants you to kiss her?
3. How can you tell if shes happy kissing you/doing foreplay and that she doesnt wnt anything more at this time?
4. I'm worried of my knowledge being poor/virtually non existant as she could tell me to do something and i'd be thinking "whats that?" or my lack of moves/experiance making me feel bad and her awkard at the time and also If i dont last as long as she does, not only will it make my confidance worse that what it is now, but but it will be awkward for me at the time.

I'm just worried if i fail to pass any of those things i've just mentioned, then i'd get rejected in one shape or form as either she'd think i'm not interested or i have too many insecurites for her to cope with and she'll just move on

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#5
April Masini wrote:Goldengun gave you great advice. I hope that helps you.

I'd like you to buy my book, Date Out of Your League, that I've written for men who want more experience with women. You can download it immediately here: http://www.askapril.com/relationship-da ... eague.html. There is so much specific advice in here for you socially and sexually -- read it and let me know what specific questions you have afterwards. It's a quick read, and I think it will help you a lot -- after which I will, too! :)
You know if I buy this book, will it work 100% as if it does any chanc we could go on one and you can give me tips on it and show me theres nothing to worry about, lol. I think if i can cure1 or 2 of those problems that i listed in my reply to that guys last post, then i'd cure the other ones myself as i would have the confidance to do it then.

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#6
Read the book, and then let's talk one on one. I sincerely wouldn't have recommended it if I didn't think it would help. :D
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#7
April Masini wrote:Read the book, and then let's talk one on one. I sincerely wouldn't have recommended it if I didn't think it would help. :D

I think you mis understood me then :? I meant, i read it and take you out and then you can see where i'm going wrong and you can give me tips ;) :D :lol:

Does it contain the 4 roblems that i've listed above and also is it possible to download it to my phone, plus are downloads free?

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#8
Boy, I'm not sure you really want advice because you have so many conditions for receiving it. :roll:

The book will help you, which is why I recommended you read it. It costs $14.95 and it will be a great investment for you -- I have a feeling you're going to refer to it more than once.

I'm happy to discuss more with you after you read it. It will definitely download to your computer, but not sure about your phone -- depends on your phone's capabilities.

I hope you decide to help yourself and read it. :)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#9
Its not that, its the fact that everything that i want in other areas of my life, people keep giving me different ideas and opinions and say the other person is wrong and some of them are experts in their fields, like yourself. For example, people say one supplement is better in the gym that the other and i've spent a fortune on what different people have said and found either little or no improvement for them all. So i dont want to spend about £8 ($14.95). Just to find out it works for some and not others.

I know your an expert in this as people have said your great at this sort of things, etc. But i think that i'd either to what the book says and think "Wow, i didnt expect that to happen this quick and that what easy, etc" or I'll try it and it wont work on me and it only works on some. In other words, i'll read it once and i'd give eveything that the book says to do.

I'll download as soon as possible. Also what they say about you is right you can be brutal.I m sure that you've gathered by now that i over think things, which makes me worry and i do this in things that i'm normally comfortable in. So as you can tell i go way overboard in this area of my life. Also why do you want to talk to me after i've read the book, is it because you want to check my progress or to go over points that maybe difficult to nderstand? I even tried to use humour here by asking you out, so when I do download the book, i'll be in a good frame of mind and a happy mood, but i failed that, and i'll download it in the morning.

Re: Bad case of sexual performance anxiety

#10
People are giving you advice because you ask them for it! :shock: You came to a relationship forum and straight out asked for advice, so if you don't want it, then don't come here and ask for it! :lol:

I suggested we talk one on one after you read the book I recommended in case you have any other questions, and by one on one, I meant posting them on this forum, so I can respond -- not a private session or a date. :roll:

When you're ready for help it's here -- but so far, you don't appear to be ready. :?
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.
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