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It was perfect, then says she's not emotionally available

#1
This is really long, I am sorry. But I feel like the more context the better.

So I met this girl about 8 weeks ago. We are from the same hometown, have a lot of common interests and both now live in the same small town in the midwest. We are both in our late 20s. It has been so great. There was immediate chemistry. We hung out alot. After like 2 weeks she said "I feel like I moved here for a reason, and I wouldn't mind dating someone who lived here." I took that as meaning she was ready, willing, and able to date me. She stopped by my place unannounced once, so I thought that was a good sign too. Eventually I started spending the night at her house...she bought me a tooth brush, etc. We had sex 3 times. Twice was after we had gone out and once was in the morning. The first time was after like 4 weeks. But on the 4th time, she said she was not really feeling it. I was OK with that, and after that point I went out of my way NOT to instigate sex with her because I wanted to prove that I was with her because of "her." I started giving her a little less physical attention as well (arm around her, holding her hand, etc.) because I wanted to give her space. I guess it startled me a little bit. I guess also, I could feel like something was different, and thus didn't feel as comfortable treating her like "my girl." But we still hung out like 4 times a week and text messaged or talked to each other every day (and still do). I told her "I liked her" several times... She would call me and tell me she wanted to cuddle and stuff like that, and based on all her signs up to this point I felt like she was really into me. She would grab my hand and hold it when we walked and stuff like that.

Well, our relationship started backtracking about 3 weeks ago. I stopped spending the night there. When I was there late at night on a weeknight, she would say "Ok, I am going to bed." I just got up and left, instead of walking into her bedroom with her. But at the time her door was double-locked. So she would have to unlock the door to let me out. I always felt like I should say "I can stay if you want me to" but I never did. Maybe she expected me to stay and thought it was wierd that I would always move to leave instead of go to the bedroom with her. I guess now that I think about it I only spent the night with her on the weekends after we had gone out, I never spent the night with her during the week when I was over there late...nor did she ever ask me to. And as I said, I never offered to. But when I did spend the night, there was never a level of akwardness in the morning, as we would hang out all day the next day...

She started travelling a lot the last 3 weeks, and about the same time we stopped being intimate altogether. I stopped kissing her except every now and then over these last 3 weeks. We still hung out all the time when she was in town. She could tell something was bothering me (I was acting much more somber over these last few weeks). I was really upset at this point, because I could tell something was wrong. But finally, I got the courage to ask her what was up.

Well, she told me the story about the ex. Apparently he blind-sided her with breaking up. They dated for 3 years and he broke it off 8 months ago (6 months after we started "talking"). Apparently they had not had sex ever, she had told me this fact a lot earlier though. And she said that she cannot move past the initial stage of attraction towards me. She said this was a timing issue and that she was not emotionally available right now. She said that she still thought about her ex like 5 times a day ("What is he up to...who is he with...blah blah") and did not think it was fair to enter into a relationship with someone while having those thoughts. She said she will finally be over him when she can talk to him and not be upset when she sees him with another girl. She said it took her 3 years to get over her boyfriend before that one, and for her finally to begin dating a guy again. She said she would be a bad girlfriend right now. I responded, "I think you would be a great girlfriend." I wrote her a letter expressing my feelings towards her, and we have talked about it 2 or 3 times, but she has held strong in her position.

What is strange is she also said during one of these conversations that she was unsure whether I had feelings for her more than just a friend (I guess because I had backed off on physical intimacy towards her). I said "I told you I liked you" several times. She said, "but you need to SHOW me you like me." That threw me for a loop, because she said she was not emotonally available, but telling me I needed to show her I liked her and to not be so "bottled up" with what is on my mind. So I have brought her flowers and have done a few other nice things like that towards her over the last 10 days, but it doesn't seem to have had a real effect on her. I mean she says thank you and tells me how sweet I am and how thoughtful I am and all that, but never gives me that "look" if you know what I mean.

I have really thought alot about what might have happened. Maybe she was ashamed that she had sex with me when she had gone so long without having done so. Or maybe she had feelings for me, but when I backed off she became scared of getting hurt again, and so she boxed out her emotions towards me. Maybe she wanted me to spend the night all those times when I was there during the week and when I didn't she thought all I wanted was friendship, and so at this point she has conditioned her feelings towards me as just friends. Or maybe she never really thought about whether she liked me, and let things get kind of out of control.

I am her best friend here where we live (we both recently moved here and it was a coincidence that we met). So I am the closest person she has here.

When I met her, I really thought that she might finally be the one for me. I really think she still is. But the problem is that now I feel like I am stuck in "friend territory." She still invites me over to hang out or cooks me dinner or whatever. And we talk and everything just like we always have. We talk about her family and her friends...my family and my friends. So we definately have deep, revealing conversation. But there is no intimacy or physical touching, besides the occasional poking or hugging or a slight rub on the back. She says things like "we need to have a party" or "we need to get you a new shirt" just like we are a couple...even after the talk we had.

I know for a fact she is confused. But I told her I wouldn't abandon her because I am her closest friend here. And I have also told her things like "I will still be here for you...and hopefully you will come around, because after all a quality girl is worth the wait." After having heard these statements from me she still calls and texts me all the time; and like I said she cooked me dinner tonight. And she still gazes into my eyes and glances down at my lips all the time when we talk (which sometimes I think is a sign that a girl wants to be kissed). But tonight I tried to rub her kneck when she wasn't feeling well, and she brought up about how an old guy hit on her at the airport her last trip (7 days ago). I took that to mean she did not want me to continue rubbing her kneck.

Even though I do want to be friends, it is really tough on me because I care very deeply for her. I was so glad that I had finally met a girl that I could connect with on a deeper level. I have no problem meeting girls, just ones like her. They are a rare breed indeed. I am really not ready to give up on us having a relationship. I just do not believe that such an amazing girl came into my life in such a "destined" atmosphere, yet she is not and will never be into me again. I just don't buy it that she all of a sudden doesn't like me. A girl knows exactly what she is doing when it comes to guys, and from my experience every move they make is carefully analyzed and calculated. So why would she allow us to get into this position if there really aren't any feelings for me beyond that of friendship?

Despite my promises to her, however, I don't know how long I can keep up this "friendship" game. It just hurts me to know that she doesn't feel like she can currently give her heart to me.

Will she come around? I know she enjoys my company and she does miss me when I am not around, because when I don't call or text her on any given day, she calls/texts me later that same day. Sometimes she calls/texts me in the morning too. But I just don't know if that is her heart missing my company, or her mind feeling lonely. Should I wait for her to sort out her issues?...or will she be confused and emotionally unavailable for the next 2 years? I kind of feel like I should just try and kiss her and see what happens. Should I try to take her to dinner and a movie and put my arm around her? We never actually did that "cliche" date thing when we were "dating." Is she saying one thing and thinking another?

Please help! Thank you!

Re: It was perfect, then says she's not emotionally available

#2
I'm going to answer your question using your own words... Please reread what she said to you:

She cannot move past the initial stage of attraction towards me. She said this was a timing issue and that she was not emotionally available right now. She said that she still thought about her ex like 5 times a day ("What is he up to...who is he with...blah blah") She said it took her 3 years to get over her boyfriend before that one, and for her finally to begin dating a guy again. She said she would be a bad girlfriend right now. I responded, "I think you would be a great girlfriend." I wrote her a letter expressing my feelings towards her, and we have talked about it 2 or 3 times, but she has held strong in her position.

This young woman is clearly not over her ex. Equally, she is not interested in nor anywhere near emotionally available to have a relationship with you. She has told you this directly and you are not listening because you do not want to hear her.

Please do yourself a favor and understand that when someone tells you these things you need to accept them -- for your own good.

Move on and start dating other women... immediately.

When (and if) this woman becomes ready and interested in more than a friendship with you (assuming she ever does) she'll let you know. Until then, you are wasting your time -- to say nothing of setting yourself up for heartbreak.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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