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Where does the honesty stop and start?

#1
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

I was with this girl for 16 months, living together for 10. First girlfriend for me (I'm 23, she's 24), and first love. I was absolutely head over heels for this girl. She redeemed everything negative about women I had started to feel before meeting her.

She broke up with me a little over a month ago because she "needed time to learn how to love herself". She wasn't happy (not with me... she was happy with me and I made her happy... but she was just feeling depressed in general with her life. Not knowing what she wanted to do, where she wanted to be. Since 16 or 17 years old, she's been one guy to the next and only single for maybe 6 months at a time, so felt it was time to put her own feelings before anyone else's. She'd also been with a significant number of sexual partners). So as hard as it was, I believed her and felt that, if she truly did feel that way, but was still in love with me and still had feelings for me (as she said she did), then perhaps we could get back together a little down the road.

We were still living together for about a month after we broke up since she wasn't able to find a place or move out soon, and I'm staying where we are. Living together, I was noticing things that made me suspicious about whether or not she was fooling around with other people. I mean, she was single, so sure, she's technically allowed to, but A) we were still living together, and B) she was telling me she still loved me and still had feelings for me and cared for and respected me. However, things kept happening and, though I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt at first, eventually I knew she was lying to me. I had told her from the start that I wanted nothing but honesty, because as much as it might hurt to learn something, at least I knew that was the case and could move from there. If she didn't want to hurt my feelings, being 100% honest with me about things in the moment would hurt me short term, but lying to me and leading me to believe something isn't the case, and then having me find out later it was, would hurt me much more long term. Sadly, the latter turned out to be true.

I was tired of her lying to me and I had given her as many opportunities as possible to be honest with me, but she wasn't. I got tired of not knowing what was happening, but knowing I was being lied to. I went through her purse and found two condoms. She went to a friend's place. When she got back they were gone. I tried to give her chances to explain again, and she didn't, so I told her what I did. She was mad, understandably, since I obviously breached her trust. She came clean with me about everything that she's done since we broke up.

Keep in mind, this is all within a little over a month after we broke up, and she still was in love with me, still had feelings and cared for me, respects me and what we had, and says she respects herself:
1) Less than a week after we broke up, she had a threesome with two guys. Even the thought of that made me sick, physically. It was with a friend of hers she doesn't even find attractive, and his friend whom she'd never met before. She also felt the need to tell me it was "awesome". Apparently she was bored and thought it would be fun.
2) After that was with a huge man-whore who she has a sexual history with. She was at his place, and when she came back I asked her if anything happened. Told her to be honest. She told me he tried to kiss her but she pushed him away and told him she wasn't ready. Lie. They did have sex.
3) While I was out of town up at my cottage with some friends, she met a random guy at Starbucks and brought him back to the place we still shared. When I got back I found a used condom in the garbage, sans-cum. She says they actually didn't have sex. She wanted to, but then changed her mind. They still fooled around, though.
4) Her ex boyfriend. She broke up with him 4 or 5 years ago and gave him the same reasons, in that she needed time to learn how to love herself and all that. Except then she started dating someone two months later. He didn't talk to her for a long time and they got back in touch half-way through our relationship. She's slept with him on several different occasions since we broke up.

So, a little over a month since we broke up, 4 different guys on more than 4 occasions, while we're living together, and she tells me she still loves me, still has feelings for me, absolutely respects me and what we had, and has nothing but respect for herself.

Yeah, she was single, so technically she's *allowed* to do that... but her doing all that in the context of the situation and what she told me, I think, makes those actions inexcusable and perhaps unforgivable. I don't see how someone who cares for me and loves and respects me could do that. She also made it known that sex with me was never "hot". She didn't feel like telling me this during the relationship, though, since she was scared it would hurt my feelings. Meanwhile I was asking her if we could have sex more often and suggesting therapy when she couldn't think of me sexually any more, but didn't know why. If she'd told me it wasn't hot, then we could have made changes, or I could have made changes, done something differently, to improve it. I remember a night when I got upset at the fact that she was really losing her drive with me (when it's clear she has a large one) and wanted to know what it was about me she had an issue with. She "didn't know". I told her I didn't know if I could be in a long term relationship with someone who wasn't able to be honest with me about why the sex isn't working, especially if they didn't want to work on it. She got incredibly upset at me and scolded me about how sex shouldn't be that important if I love the person. Fair enough, except now the roles are reversed and suddenly it's different. It was too much "work" to make sex better, and she just wanted hot sex. Doesn't know why it wasn't hot with me. She's my third, and she's been with 16. Sorry I didn't know better? How could I if I'm not told.

So I guess my question is... is this girl totally fucked in the head? Does she have serious issues like I think she does? Or is *my* perspective the one that's off? Am I wrong for thinking it's disgusting she did all these things in the context of the situation. Is there hope for this girl, or does she not know how to be in a relationship and is doomed to be sleeping with everybody until she's old and jaded?

Thanks. Oddly enough, I tried to keep that as brief as possible. Sorry for the length.

Re: Where does the honesty stop and start?

#2
You already know the answers to your questions.... Don't you?

First, you should thank your lucky stars that you're just living with this woman and not married to her!

Next, you should do whatever you need to do to extricate yourself from the situation and begin the difficult process of moving on with your life... alone for now -- and eventually with someone else.

Yes, you can sit there and analyze things to death and try to determine why she is the way she is, or why she did the things that she did. But that's not going to change anything. She is what she is. And she's clearly is not who you thought she was. Equally, your relationship with her was not what you thought it was.

Believe it or not, she's done you a huge favor by letting you see The Real Her. She's giving you the opportunity to move on and to find someone better for you.

No, there is no hope for your relationship. Bite the bullet and cut your losses now... As painful as it is. You need to accept who she is and move on.

This woman does not share your values ---- you need to find someone who does.

I'm sorry.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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