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Dear readers and forum members:

Thank you so much for the Ask April Relationship Advice Forum. What a warm and welcoming community!

Due to the demands of launching my new company, AIFI (American Initiative for Film Industry Research Institute & Development Council), I'm so sorry to say that I must suspend forum activity.

I wish you all the very best, always.

April
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Put off sexual relationships

#1
Dear April,

I'm feeling quite hurt at the moment and I have no idea whether I should be telling anyone, but I'm a guy of 18 and I had my first sexual experience recently, but it ended in complete disaster. I don't know why, but I ended up being with an older woman (32), not what I expected, but I was quite nervous that everything went well anyway. Well, everything did go very well - we did not have full sex, maybe another day - but she did use her hands. For about half an hour, everything was fine, but then when it got to the point where I had to 'you know', well, it happened, but she said quite a few negative things after, and I ended up feeling totally rotten. I've since looked up some things online about what she said and it seems maybe it is true, but I had no idea it was such a big deal. Totally have no idea what to do next, feel totally short of confidence to meet any more women after this. :?

Re: Put off sexual relationships

#2
It's really a shame if one woman can ruin your feelings about sex -- SO DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!! ;) It sounds like from what you describe she was just insensitive and mean -- both factors that don't lead to success in ANYONE'S bedroom whether it's with a virgin or an experienced man. Everyone has success and failure in the bedroom, but what makes for being a good lover is understanding, empathy and frankly, a sense of humor. Knowing that whatever happened to you (and if you give me a few more details I can help you further) happens to everyone (trust me on this -- whatever it was!), is part of what makes a lover a good lover.

While it's a good idea not to have sex with her again, since she's proved herself to be a bad lover because of her lack of understanding of sex, it IS a good idea to continue to explore sex with women you deem to be kind, understanding, interested in having sex with you and interested in you as more than someone with whom to have sex with. I know that's possibly a tall order for a guy who's got percolating hormones right now, but it will lead to a better yield in great sexual experiences.

If that helps you, great, and if you need more information, get my book, Date Out of Your League, at this link: http://www.askapril.com/relationship-da ... eague.html. It's $14.95 and an immediate download so you can start reading now -- but specifically focus on the chapters about what women want, and about having sex. You'll get more confidence with this knowledge.

I hope that helps -- let me know how it goes. And join me on Facebook -- I have a group page, AskApril.com on Facebook, and I specifically want to see you there! Membership is free and here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=1 ... 755&ref=mf. :)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Put off sexual relationships

#3
Thanks April,

I feel a bit more positive now :-) I will have a look for your book later, it sounds interesting! I always find it nice to read, but I may try to hide it from my friends - don't want everyone to know what I am concerned about :-)

Well, I didn't explain well what the problem was I guess because I was a bit embarrassed and was hoping somehow you'd be able to guess - so I will try to explain here as well as I can. I basically think that there was a bit too much mess afterwards. :? I didn't think about it before, as I'd only ever masturbated so had nobody to tell me if there was anything wrong. But I got home and I searched on some medical help sites and saw something that was a bit worrying. It said that most men ejaculate 2-5ml and if it is regularly over 5ml, then this is something called hyperspermia which is abnormal, but it did not really explain what effects it had or anything. So, I searched other sites and they said the same - it is abnormal, but nothing else. Is it dangerous, should I go see a doctor? I feel slightly embarrassed to go to a doctor about this, so I'd like to be sure I actually need to go first. I've done a few self-tests at home to see if I was abnormal, and this worried me more because I did not even get close to 5ml. The lowest I managed to get was around 25ml, and most times it is 30ml or above. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if there is a way to make less, but I'm just worried because everywhere I look says 'abnormal'.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I feel like I am scared to do anything with anyone else till I find out if everything is OK!

Re: Put off sexual relationships

#4
There is nothing wrong with you from what you describe. Sex is messy and everything you describe is totally normal. So, don't read any more medical data and don't measure anything when it comes to sex. You're fine -- except that you had a less than perfect first partner.

Now, it's time for you to move on and find a woman who really cares about you -- not just about sex. During the course of anyone's and everyone's sex lives there will be embarrassing moments and it's important to trust your partner not to make you (or for you to make her) feel weird or embarrassed. Trust me -- there will be women in your sex life future who will look to you to tell them that what they did was okay or right or normal.

Because sex is private we don't see what others do behind closed doors, and there is no teacher who shows a class how to perform sexually and what to say or do in different situations so experiences like yours can lead to anxiety and shame when someone tells you you're doing it wrong. I'm glad you told me your story so I can assure you're YOU'RE JUST FINE. RELAX. ENJOY. :)

And join me on Facebook! I want to see you there. Click through and join at this link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=1 ... 755&ref=mf! :D
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Put off sexual relationships

#5
If April's fine advice hasn't convinced you, at least talk to a doctor.

And stop being so insecure... just come straight out with it exactly like you typed here. They are NOT going to be surprised by what you say anymore than a mechanic would be surprised that you tell them your car is making an "abnormal" noise. It's their job.

Anyway, from my experience... sex is messy, but some women don't mind it... and, some women love it :) You just ran into a bad apple.

Keep your chin up man.

Re: Put off sexual relationships

#7
Well, thanks April for your advice, it's certainly making me feel a bit better and more courageous! It seems that somehow making more of the stuff is not so bad as I thought it was.

Goldengun, I would never have thought any woman would actually like or 'love' it as you say. I know this woman has now been labelled a bad apple, but I remember that she didn't mind so much about it being on her body, it was when it hit the wall behind the bed and also there was a big patch on the pillow. I don't know but maybe the place where it went was the problem somehow? Maybe most women would not like it going everywhere? I'm a worrier, I know! But at least I know the amount doesn't seem to be a negative thing. Thanks for putting my chin up again :-)

Re: Put off sexual relationships

#8
I'm really glad I could help -- and you got really good help from readers on this forum as well. :) See what happens when you put your embarrassment aside and find the courage to talk about your problems? You get information you didn't have before that helps you -- and you get the courage to realize there's nothing wrong with you and that other people share your situation. I hope that this helps not just for this situation, but for your future with any problems you may encounter.

Good luck! And join me on Facebook -- I'd love to see you on my group page, AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=1 ... 755&ref=mf. :D
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.
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