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My husband says "fuck you" to me

#1
He has said this to me many times over our 20+ yr marriage when he is frustrated w me or when we are in an argument. Each time I tell him that it is wrong to say that, it hurts me, and that I never swear at him. It hurts me so much that most times I cry myself to sleep. He very rarely apologizes for saying it. He did it again tonight when we were in a silly argument about how to cook something. My 16 yr old son was in the room right next to us and heard this. I am so hurt, upset, numb. Later I sat w my son, and as we were looking on the computer I said "Dad seems to be very frustrated tonight. Please promise me that you will never swear at someone you love... " He said he heard him & he promises.
We have seen a marriage counselor for the past few months. I finally called someone that a friend had recommended and he has been very helpful. It had reached a point that I was afraid to be around him. I recognize that he's trying to abuse me & that it's wrong & that I can tell him not to speak to me that way & it's ok to leave the room when the conversation is not going well. He's also demeaning and demanding, and has deliberately forgot important dates (birthday, anniversary, valentines day). The problem that I have is that I feel that I can not communicate with him about anything without him getting defensive or mad at me. He doesn't speak to anyone else this way.
Of course, if I agree with him about everything and just do everything that he asks then he's happy and everything is ok.
I don't know if it's worth trying to fix the relationship. I feel like he has no respect for me at all and I feel trapped. I haven't worked in 10+ years. I have a college degree, spent 20 yrs in high tech marketing & sales... but fear being gone from this industry for so long will make it hard to start another career.
Advice?

Re: My husband says "fuck you" to me

#2
Fill me in a little first. There's a big gap between his verbal abuse and your writing that you are afraid to be around him. Is he physically abusive? Write me back here, and I'll give you my advice. I'll look out for your response and answer you as soon as I see it. :D

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April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: My husband says "fuck you" to me

#3
Hi. My husband takes his frustration & anger out on me. He was having a rough time w work (he has since changed jobs), and would easily get angry, belittle me... in front of others, swear at me. Any little thing would set him off & sometimes he didn't make sense (ex: in car together - he's driving - then he asks me why I was bringing my old ski boots to the ski rental shop. I reply "I'd like to see if I can still use these boots and only rent skis". His reply "Do you think you can trust them?" my reply "yes". He then puts his foot all the way on the gas peddle and starts driving like a crazy person & swears at me.. and I don't even know what I did wrong. Even simple replies, for ex: I say "ok" when he asks me a question. He gets angry and says "It's either yes or no!", and if I ever ask for clarification on a question he asks me, he replies "just answer the question!". If I express that I am sad or hurt by anything, he has responded "you're too sensitive". It just kept happening too frequently and getting worse each time - angrier and swearing at me. It finally got to the point where I really felt afraid to be around him in fear I would set him off. That's when I called the marriage counselor. This was 4 months ago. The counselor met w me, then met w my husband, and then we both saw him. This has been the only place where I felt safe that I could bring anything up that bothered me and where I felt like I could really express myself in my way. He did stop swearing directly at me - He was nicer and I wasn't hearing "fuck you" "bitch", but he still swears frequently (example: almost every time he's driving),
Unfortunately, summer has meant several weekly appointments have been cancelled.
My husband now has weekly work meetings at the same time as our weekly marriage counselor appointment was. And the swearing has started again.

Re: My husband says "fuck you" to me

#4
Since you've been married for 20 years, I would like to know when this behavior began. :?: It sounds that somewhere in the last two decades, something happened that has caused your husband to be very angry. I'm guessing that he wasn't always like this.

That said, from what you've written, it sounds like he's very mean to you, and although you mentioned one instance where he drove erratically, and possibly dangerously, he hasn't hit you or put his hands on you or used a weapon on you. But the way you describe things, it's as if he has. Am I missing something? :(

Without any new information from you, I'd say that you need to leave this marriage and stop modeling an abusive relationship for your 16 year old son. This isn't healthy for him, you or your husband. I don't think your therapy sessions are going to help, and I think that this situation -- with your husband angry and raging, you fearful and without boundaries, and your son being subject to this, isn't healthy. Instead of making your son promise not to swear at anyone he loves, why not show him how to be healthy? ;)

Is there something you need to hear or have happen in order for you to realize you need to leave? Is there a reason you stay?

Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful "like" us on FB -- and tell a friend!
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And... you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter @AskAprilcom
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: My husband says "fuck you" to me

#5
Wow this sounds too familiar, reading it breaks my heart for you and for myself.
My problem, I know of, is that I am a feeler and a fixer. I know my husband's issues come from deep rooted pain and self esteem issues and I desperately want to help him, bit at what cost?! We've been together 18 years, it's only gotten worse. I want to shake love into you, and it makes me mad that I can't shake myself hard enough.
To make things more ironic, I am an Empath Life Coach. I am a healer. I am an HR professional. I am a lover. What I am not, is all the things my husband calls me or one who deserves all the horrible things he says.. fuck off, stupid bitch, fuck you, dumb mother fucker, look how you treat me you piece of shit, (him replying to me trying to reason and get him to be nice) you are the problem, I can't even have an opinion, I'm sick of how you treat me, shut TF up, fuck off...
Pointless, sad, not fair.
I hope you see in me what you should see in yourself.
Sending you love and good vibes as I too try to wake myself up xoxo

Re: My husband says "fuck you" to me

#6
After 20 years of marriage, this behavior is either new because something has triggered it -- or it's "just another day" and this behavior has been the norm through the marriage's tenure, and the original poster finally woke up to try and get herself some help to live a more healthful life. Breaking patterns of behavior is very tough, but so important in evolving!
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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