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Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#1
I suspect my boyfriend has commitment issues. I've read alot about it. He pulls back fairly often but never completely. When he does I try to match what he does by taking a step back myself so as not to be needy etc. My confusion is that when I slow down in texting or reaching out in response to his pulling back, he gets angry about it. This past weekend he was in pull back mode and I didn't hear from him all day Sat. He made no attempt to get together all weekend and a couple of days prior to the weekend. So I was out of town on Sat. with friends. I felt sad that I didn't hear from him, but didn't reach out. That evening he texted me with a "Guess I'll have to be the better person and say hello. Hope you had a great day. Good night." I responded with telling him he had told me he was going to be tied up all day and I was actually out of town. Sorry if you were upset. His response was "First of all, you didn't tell me you were gonna be out of town. 2nd..even if you're busy, you can always say Hi! I then mentioned that since I didn't hear from him either, I just assumed he was busy. There was no apology from him and he then just said goodbye. I could tell he was pissed or pretended to be. It felt to me that he was feeling guilty about not contacting me all day but turned the tables and put the blame on me. How do I handle it when I want to match his pull backs and he then gets this attitude? Should I bring it ti his attention that it appears he's turning the table ob me?

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#2
It does not sound to me that he is afraid of commitment. It sounds like he's angry. The things he's saying are all tinged with anger and passive aggressive articulation. Fill me in a little more. How old are you both? How long have you been dating?
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#3
Hello, We have been dating for 4-5 months only. We are both in our mid to late 40's and both have been married before, although its been many years since our marriages ended. He shows all of the classic symptoms of being a commitment phobe, unfortunately. He came on very strong and now pulls back whenever he feels scared of the intimate feelings he has for me. He has actually admitted to the fact that he has commitment and relationship fears.
I agree that he's also being passive aggressive in this behavior and yes, he did seem angry. But part of my confusion was why he was angry at me when he himself did the exact same thing the same day....not contacting me all day. It felt like he was perhaps picking a fight in order to create distance? My question is how do I handle it when he does that in a constructive and non combative way and not being passive aggressive myself? He will also sometimes hint that he wants to see me but will then say..."I know you're busy." so maybe another time. I believe this is another commitment phobic tactic he uses, to make it seem he wants to see me but in reality he's not feeling he can let his guard down and connect at that moment in time, so he tries to put it on me. Do I address these behaviors head on and let him know how they disturb me?

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#4
Got it. It sounds like he's angry about some things that may have nothing to do with you, and he's acting out. So it will seem that he's angry that you went away for the weekend without telling him or finding time to text him hello -- but it's not really what he's truly angry about, underneath it all. It may be that he's afraid of losing you so if he gets angry and provokes a fight, you'll leave him and he can be right in his fear that you were going to all along. Or he may feel burned by some other relationship where the woman abandoned him and when he feels that you're doing the same thing (even though you're not), he'll have a reaction to the original pain and you'll have no clue that it's not about you; you're just the trigger.

Your questions are good ones, and my advice is to not engage in his provocation, but instead, take the high road. When he tells you that he's going to be the bigger person and say hello, thank him -- instead of getting defensive. Tell him that's what you love about him. If he tells you that you didn't do something -- instead of arguing to be right, let it go and change the direction of the conversation by telling him you would never want to him and ask what you can do to make it up to him.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#5
Hello, thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate your insight. At the time, I didn't feel I was being defensive but actually apologized for not reaching out. I was only gone for one day. I did however bring to his attention, that he had told me he was going to be busy and he didn't reach out to me either. I realize now, that I shouldn't have even addressed those points, but to have just said Thank you for being the "better person."
What is your feedback about what I mentioned in regards to him texting me occasionally and saying "Well, sounds like your busy, so I'll see or talk to you later. Seems he does this at times when he's wanting his space but wants to put it on me. I have decided in future to just say "Oh, OK, talk to you later" and just leave it at that. It irritates me that he does that tho. It's not taking resp. for his own actions and feelings about needing space.
Another ? I'd like to ask about is that this past Fri. we were Supposed to get together, but he got sick so of course weren't able. Later we texted and I mentioned I was going to step out for awhile and go do something. He responded with jokingly saying "What?!! calling me a "snake". But, I could tell it bothered him once again. He knew it was with a girlfriend. Next day, , we met up to look at a job together and he was cool towards me. When I leaned it to give him a greeting kiss, he withdrew.

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#6
I think I answered both your new questions with this advice:
It sounds like he's angry about some things that may have nothing to do with you, and he's acting out. So it will seem that he's angry that you went away for the weekend without telling him or finding time to text him hello -- but it's not really what he's truly angry about, underneath it all. It may be that he's afraid of losing you so if he gets angry and provokes a fight, you'll leave him and he can be right in his fear that you were going to all along. Or he may feel burned by some other relationship where the woman abandoned him and when he feels that you're doing the same thing (even though you're not), he'll have a reaction to the original pain and you'll have no clue that it's not about you; you're just the trigger.

Your questions are good ones, and my advice is to not engage in his provocation, but instead, take the high road. When he tells you that he's going to be the bigger person and say hello, thank him -- instead of getting defensive. Tell him that's what you love about him. If he tells you that you didn't do something -- instead of arguing to be right, let it go and change the direction of the conversation by telling him you would never want to him and ask what you can do to make it up to him.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#7
Hi, thank you.
Last Sat. we had a date for a car show. Then went to a restaurant. There, got into a conversation that triggered him greatly. Called for the check and left the restaurant. Had other plans but he drove me home and said good night. I was upset but he did not comfort me. That felt awful. Didn't hear from him next day and only conversations all week was about work. He was very distant and only talked via texting and only the facts. I was greatly disturbed and it raised alot of fear and abandonment issues for me, which I tried very hard not to react to.
Last night he had to come over to practice a troweling technique for this job. I told myself I didn't want to have sex with him, due to how the week was and knew I'd feel awkward about it. He was very engaging , but didn't want to talk about it. I caved in and had sex with him. I regret caving in. Feel it sent message that he can ignore me, not comfort me etc. and I'll engage intimately with him anyway. How do I now, handle this? With myself and with him? How do ,I in the future, express that I don't feel comfortable having sex during a time like this when it's something we do regularly? Caved because I thought I'd feel better being close to him (needed the comfort I thought it would bring me) and because I hate confrontation. I feel like I compromised myself and my dignity. Also, I don't want to communicate this in a game-playing way or come across as being too harsh. I wish I'd said to him that I needed to talk about what happened Sat. before I could connect with him sexually. Please help.

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#8
I'm sorry you're having so much trouble in this relationship. :(

You know, if a guy takes you out on a date on Saturday night, has an argument with you on the date, and then brings you home early, so he can go out without you, for his next date (or whatever it was), you have to understand that this isn't someone you should have another date with without some type of explanation and future understanding and apology. You didn't do any of that. You had him into your home without explanation of the way he treated you, and you had sex with him -- and then regretted it. This isn't about him. :? It's about you. You're focusing on his behavior in this string of posts, and I think you'd have a lot more success and peace and happiness in your life by focusing on yourself.

Why would you date someone with these anger issues? Or someone who acts out by dropping you off on Saturday night to go have other plans with someone else? :shock: I think you're putting yourself into situations where you're going to be treated poorly, and the question to you is: Why?

Think about it. ;) I hope that helps.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#9
Just to verify, he went straight home. He didn't go out with anyone else and isn't seeing any one else. We talk and see each other almost every day. We got home fairly late in the evening after the argument and since he was on his bike, I know he didn't go anywhere else due to the darkness and he didn't have his night glasses. I agree, with all that you said, and know it's more about me. As much as I try to be strong and think I'm handling things like a strong self assured woman, I seem to fall into this time after time. I know the whole argument was over his commitment phobic issues. I keep thinking that he'll work through them, but it probably won't happen. I feel very discouraged right now. Thank you.

Re: Man pulling back or Commitment Phobe

#10
It sounds like our misunderstanding was over the sentence you wrote: Then went to a restaurant. There, got into a conversation that triggered him greatly. Called for the check and left the restaurant. Had other plans but he drove me home and said good night. I was upset but he did not comfort me. It sounded like he had other plans but drove you home anyway. I think that you meant that the two of you had subsequent Saturday night date plans, but that he cut the date short. Regardless..... this doesn't sound like a good investment of your time. You're in your 40s and you've been dating him for about 5 months now. My advice is to move on. If you decide not to, I think that you can try and work on your own issues in the relationship -- being truthful and using boundaries -- but that his underlying anger that creates triggers and arguments and truncating dates, will still be a problem and ultimately, a deal breaker.

I hope that helps.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.