Hi April

My partner and I have been seeing each other for 5 years. For the first three years we were basically just friends with benefits But he was seeing me at the same time he was still seeing his ex. They had been on and off for 6 years. He would constantly talk about her. He would tell me how she cheated on him and treat him really badly but he would always take her back. I would always see messages he would send her saying "I love you so much, I can't breathe without you, you are always in my dreams, please speak to me this is killing me etc"

I put up with it for 3 years. Holding his hand through it all.

Eventually she moved on with someone else.

We became official and he would compare everything I did or said to relate to her in some way.

Now, he is emotionally distant and unaffectionate towards me. He never says things to me like he used to say to her. Every time we are close to breaking up, he will never bother to chase after me like he did for her. He will just ignore me.

I hate knowing that he was more in love with her than he is with me. I feel so alone because of it.

I want to understand how he can be so in love with a girl who treated him like s**t and do everything to get her back and I've given him all of me.. and he wouldn't even get up out of his seat if I were to walk out the door forever. So I guess my question is:

1. Why did he love her more than me?
2. Is it possible being in such a toxic relationship in the past has ruined his ability to show complete affection and love towards me?
3. Could he still have feelings for her?


Chelsea.

I'm sorry you've been in this relationship for five years and are so disappointed. That's a big investment on your part. It sounds like you were okay with a three year friends with benefits relationship while he was seeing her as well as you, and while you talk about "putting up with it", you have to understand that from his point of view, you were okay with it -- even when you would see his messages to her saying that he loved her so much he couldn't breathe without her. That sent him the message that you were fine playing second fiddle --- and he wasn't wrong. You stayed. For three years, under those circumstances. But the most difficult part to process is that you've been with him without her for the last two years, not because he decided he wanted you more, but because she left him. He didn't have anyone else when she left -- except for you you. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have to see it from his point of view. You were never his first choice. She was, and you made that okay for him.

Now, after two years just the two of you, he's not warm or affectionate with you -- because he's not happy in his life. Sadly, you were getting warmth from him when he was happy because he had her in his life, too. Now, that she's gone, he's not happy and you're getting the side effects of that break up. That he doesn't chase after you the way he did her, when the two of you argue, is because he doesn't want to. Again, I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. But the reality is that he does love her more than you.

Here's my advice: Give yourself value. If you want monogamy and you want to be someone's one and only, then act like it! Don't put yourself in a situation where you're a second or third or friend with benefits -- if that's not what you really want. Be honest with yourself, and then go for what you want. He doesn't value you the way you want him to, so find someone who does.