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[Standard] Not putting in effort in relationship

#1
Are you male or female:
Male

Is the person your question is about male or female:
Female

What is your age:
31

What are the ages of the other people involved:
29

What is your relationship status:
Single

What is the relationship status of the person you are dating:
Single

How long have the two of you been together:
14 months

Is this an online only relationship:
No

Have you ever had a date in person, face-to-face:
Yes

If this is a long distance relationship, how often do you physically see each other:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, when is the wedding date:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, but there is no wedding date set — why not:
Does not apply

Are you divorced or just separated:
Does not apply

How long have you been divorced:
Does not apply

How long has the person you are dating been divorced:
Does not apply

How many kids do you each have, and how old are they:
Does not apply

What country do you live in:
singapore

Describe any cultural, religious or family influences impacting your relationship:
Does not apply

My girlfriend is a cabin crew, and I often send her to-and-fro the airport (even in middle night) as much as I could apart from during my work. The drive journey is around 40mins from her house. By public transport, it would take 1hr30+mins.

Now the situation happens when my car is no longer in service, and we also had a decision to not get a new car as I could save up more money for our marriage and house as we have plans to settle down within 1-2years. She has also agreed to take her company free transport (mostly at night). However, when she landed back around 11pm, her response to me was why didn't I put in the effort to go her house and drive her family car (it's about 20mins taking the public transport from my place to hers').

She insists that she would want me to 'fetch' her from the airport despite not having a car, but it would take me much more effort to travel down just to wait for her arrival/or accompany her to the airport. I did tell her that if her arrival flight is between 6pm-10pm, I could stay back few hours past my working hours and travel down (around 40mins travel journey from my workplace) to the airport to wait for her. To be fair on her part, it is not always I need to do this, but sometimes her schedule might just happen to arrange those time where she expects me to 'fetch' her. When I have the car, I could have the convenience and time to do this, but without a car, it will need a lot more effort to do this. I have changed a lot of my laziness to put in more effort in this relationship, but I felt if I were to give in to this request, I might tired myself in the future if I continue to not have a car. I tried reasoning with her, but she kept insisting this is part of an effort I should be doing, any other reasons not to will just be excuses to her.

Can you please advice me on how I should handle this situation? I would also love to hear your utmost honest opinion if I have my fault in any area. Thank you!

Re: [Standard] Not putting in effort in relationship

#2
This is a great opportunity to have a discussion about the relationship and brainstorm creative solutions! :) These seemingly small challenges can actually be helpful to you, as a couple, to build communication, intimacy and problem solving techniques that you can use again and again in the relationship. I think that you have to get across that this is an opportunity for compromise and fluidity and that you have to try different possible solutions. For instance, if you have a working car, and your own work schedule isn't too demanding, you'd love to pick her up. But that if your car is in the shop for repairs, or if it's very late at night and you have a big work day tomorrow, you'd appreciate it she could either get a ride from a colleague, take a taxi or use public transportation. Another option is to move closer to her work so the commute isn't so long, or to have her stay overnight at a colleague's house -- one who lives close to the airport -- when she arrives home late at night And still another option is to get a better job or a second job, yourself, so that you can afford a car that is not in the shop so often or a home that is closer to her work. Bottom line here is that this problem requires both of you to be empathetic, creative and willing to try different options to overcome a financial and a commuting issue as well as a decision on who does the driving when. Try to have the discussion when you're both well rested and relaxed -- not when she's just landed late at night, or is ready to walk out the door. I hope that helps!
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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