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April Masini.
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November 12, 2009 at 10:18 am #1629
relationshipa1
KeymasterMy boyfriend and I have been together for a long time now – nearly 3 years to be exact. We’ve lived together for a year and 3 months, after I moved to his home country. Unfortunately, ever since we’ve lived together, things have been steadily getting worse in our relationship. When I first met him, I was attracted to my boyfriend’s confidence and strong personality, but to live with it is sometimes insufferable. He likes telling me what to do and what not to do, which I find extremely irritating, and this leads to many arguments. He’s even complained when I’ve been too tired or ill to cook him dinner!!
On top of that, we don’t seem to talk properly anymore. I love to chat with him after a day at work, but he always complains that he’s too tired to talk and just wants to relax in peace, but at the same time he has no problems when it comes to chatting with his friends. This makes me feel that he’s not interested in what I have to say. He’ll happily spend half a day in front of the TV in silence without throwing a glance in my direction, or trying to initiate a conversation.
I’ve tried to talk about these things with him, but he takes anything as a criticism and it turns into an argument.
I’d really like someone else’s perspective on this – are these normal couple problems? If so, what would you suggest I do to solve them? It seems a shame to let a relationship that worked so well at the beginning go to waste like this.
Thanks in advance.
November 12, 2009 at 1:18 pm #10884April Masini
KeymasterWhen couples argue, often their emotions take over and the fights become about who’s right and who’s wrong. The anger fuels this competition, and concern about each other’s feelings is lost in the argument. If you can take the emotion out of your argument, and try to pick a time when you’re not fighting to have a talk about some things that you’ve had on your mind, that might set a better stage for progress. In addition, if you always fight in the house, or in a certain room of the house, have the talk in a different locale, like a restaurant or a park.
Start the talk by telling your boyfriend that you love and care about him, and that this is difficult for you to do, but you feel that he is so important to you that you’d be disrespecting the relationship by not being honest with him about your feelings.
Then tell him what’s bothering you by NOT criticizing him. For instance, tell him you miss chatting with him after work, and you hate competing with the television. Offer a compromise, like meeting for a cocktail after work at a local cafe before you both come home for the day. Or perhaps, having dinner together when he gets home so you can chat there, before he hits the couch with the remote control.
Listen to what he says. Don’t get bent on winning an argument. When he’s finished expressing his feelings about what you’ve said, pause. Take a breath. Take in what he’s said and try and empathize. You can tell him, I really understand you have a lot of stress at work and the television helps you de-stress. I appreciate that you’re so good at your job. Then pause and let him take in that compliment in a place where I bet you’d normally be battling him.
Don’t try to win — just try to be heard. And try to allow him to be heard without criticizing.
Don’t bombard him with a litany of your complaints. That will get you nowhere good fast! Pick your challenges, and take small steps towards improvement. Then, remember that this is a process, and you will probably not come to a conclusion in one talk. What this exercise does is to change your behavior. If he sees your behavior change, and he feels the change, his behavior may change, too. Getting out of your fighting cycle is the goal. Being heard, and fostering the care, respect and love you feel for one another is also a goal.
Let me know how that goes.
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