Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

I Bee-Lieve

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Absolutely shocked

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  • May 7, 2010 at 11:55 am #2377
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Your anger at him is misdirected. 😳

    First of all, [i]you[/i] were the willing participant in a relationship that went on for 2 years online and on the phone without ever trying to meet up — let alone to use a webcam! So you can’t blame him for the long duration without meeting. That’s your part in this. At any moment in those 2 years you could have said: [i]This is crazy, I’m out! I want more for myself than a fantasy relationship. [/i] The reason you stayed in this fantasy relationship without meeting has more to do with you than with him. What is it about you that was afraid to have a real life relationship? 😯

    You’re not a young girl. You’re old enough and intelligent enough to know that the internet is a great tool for meeting people, but it’s a bad place to conduct an entire relationship — which is what you did for WAAAAAAAYYYYY too long. Again — that’s not his fault. It’s yours. You’re angry at yourself, and you’re taking that anger out on him.

    So stop blaming him. ❗

    You knew that he never made the effort to come take you out to dinner or spend time with you, and you continued in the relationship. Now you’re mad that you wasted your time. (I wish you would buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and READ IT!! [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]) When women don’t date smart, they really have no excuse for blaming other people. If he doesn’t take you on a date within a month or two of meeting on line, MOVE ON!! 😮

    Second, it sounds like the one lie he told you was about his age and appearance. That’s it. Many people tell outright lies on the internet, which is why meeting in person soon after you meet on the internet is a good idea. Many other people don’t have a good perception of themselves, and while they may not think they’re lying, their idea of svelte is not your idea of svelte. Their idea of handsome is not your idea of handsome. Pictures relay a thousand words. In person contact, exponentially more. Your guy is clearly insecure about his looks and his age, and I don’t believe for a second that in 4 years of your chatting with him almost daily, you didn’t pick up on his insecurity in other areas of his personality. He lied to you about his looks, and you tacitly allowed this lie on some level.

    Now, don’t get me wrong — [i]he’s not off the hook — what he did was wrong[/i]. But his lie was about his appearance. Now, you know what he looks like, and you have a choice about the relationship.

    You’re only 10 years apart, and at your age of 42, that 10 years doesn’t have to be a deal breaker the way it might be if you were 18 and he were 28. He’s balding and overweight — is this a deal breaker for you?

    Basically, I suggest you accept responsibility for your part in this situation, and move on starting today: Do you want to see him again? Is he willing to date you? If he asks you out, will you say yes? If he doesn’t ask you out, how much more time will you spend in this long distance relationship?

    These are questions you have to answer for yourself once you get over your shock.

    May 7, 2010 at 9:40 pm #13474
    shattered
    Participant

    First of all yes i do have problems of my own. I suffer severe depression, anxiety and agorophobia which is why I started to chat on the net in the first place. I came out of a very bad relationship some years earlier and it was just me and my child. I cut myself off from the world because I couldnt cope with my illness. Things were very tough both emotionally and financially for myself and my child. THAT is why it took so long to get to the point of meeting up. The 10 hour travel, the financial burden, a child in school, my illness etc as well as his health problem too. It is just the way it worked out. Nothing more or less complicated than that. It was a slow process because we were both fragile and financially not in a position. We decided we liked each other enough to keep going until we could do something about it no matter how long it took.

    You say the one lie he told was his age and appearance? You make it sound like it is nothing. Not so to me. I do feel it is a betrayal. Not just to me, but to my child aswell. This man is a huge part of my life, a huge part of my childs life. He was involved with christmas and birthdays and even homework etc even if it was from a distance. And before you say anything, no my childs father has no contact with them what so ever. He accepted my child as part of me and the whole package. I was happy for the first time in many years it was a little difficult to hide.
    She has seen the photographs aswell as my family. THEY think that is what he looks like. How the hell do I explain that to a young teenager? I have tried to teach my child the dangers of the internet and people who pretend to be something they are not and here I have done the very thing I warned her about. Of course I am angry! Im angry at myself! for my part in this as well as his because it does not just affect me and him. Its all such a mess. I am angry at him for lying.
    You asked if the deal breaker was the the way he looks for real? NO- he is still the same person I adore. The problem for me is that he lied about it. How would you feel if somebody who you loved suddenly changed appearance completely ? I think it would unerve you to. And how do I explain to my family that I was so stupid and gullible and thought i knew how to protect myself from the interenet. So yes you are right, I have anger at myself and anger at him. I am trying to figure out how to deal with this and thats why I am here. If I did not care why would I bother. If I didnt love him I would have finished it . He broke my trust. I want to know how to deal with that! How do I deal with what this will do to my child?
    Yes the internet may be a great tool but for some of us it is a way of having some kind of social interaction that we otherwise wouldnt have and not every situation is so black and white.
    I think we are both equally to blame for this mess. That is not the issue for me at the moment.It is all good and well to say “well you should have done this, should not have done that”. Its too late, its done. Im asking for advice to help me figure out what to do NOW about this situation.

    May 8, 2010 at 6:19 pm #13687
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    It’s pretty clear you’re not ready for a relationship and you’ve played an active part in sabotaging this one. 😳 I’ve already given you advice on what to do now, but it seems you didn’t get it, so let me enumerate for you to try and make it more clear for you:

    [b]1. Yes he lied[/b]. Now, you need to get over it. That means that you have to stop throwing yourself a pity party and move on. Stop blaming him and take responsibility. That means, either you quit contacting him and returning his contacts, because the lie he told you was too much for you to get over, or else find a way to empathize and forgive him. Your choice. My advice is to pick one of the solutions I’ve just given you and stick with it.

    [b]2. Tell your child you made a mistake, and that you’re trying to learn from your mistakes.[/b] Owning up to one’s responsibilities in life is an important lesson to impart to your child. Everyone screws up — how we correct our messes is what builds character. 🙂 For future, do not ever introduce your child again to anyone you’re involved with if you haven’t discussed marriage with them or are engaged to them. It’s damaging to the child, and parenting is [i]your[/i] sole responsibility. Dating as a single parent is different than dating as a single adult without children. Be conservative.

    [b]3. For future dating, if you’re financially strapped then don’t get on a plane or a bus or in a car and travel 10 hours to see a guy. [/b]It’s really easy not to spend money — just don’t take out your wallet! 😆 If he won’t visit you, then drop him. He’s not a good, interested boyfriend. To cut your risk of this problem, for future, choose men who live within 30 or 60 minutes of your home or work. Choosing someone who lives 10 hours away is another way of sabotaging a relationship. Be aware of this behavior and stave it off.

    4. And again, for future, [b]if you’re clinically depressed, anxious and agoraphobic to the extent you have to shut yourself off from the world, then don’t get into a romantic relationship with anyone until you’re healthy. [/b]Clearly, you jumped the gun with this relationship. You weren’t ready. Instead, until you are ready, keep your relationships on the internet and in real life as friendships until you’re COMPLETELY ready for a real life adult romance. That means dating in person.

    I hope that’s clear for you and that it helps. I know you’re angry. Try to focus that anger on productive methods of change or on helping others, not on crying a river over a relationship that yielded one date that you funded. 😥

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