Anonymous
I am in a very similar situation to you, although I am younger and not thinking about marraige, me and my boyfriend have talked about having kids one day.
He hasn’t had a job (until a few weeks ago) for the last three years! He also smokes weed and wastes his money on doing up his cars.
Similar to you we have a firey relationship and when he gets angry he does exactly what you said so I understand how you feel embarrassed.
However with us he always comes back and apologises after, even if I know it was my fault for winding him up, and I have almost just accepted it as our routine when we argue, I don’t let it upset me anymore, because I know it will always get sorted out between us in a couple of hours after the fight, and because I feel our relationship is worth it.
What you need to ask yourself if whether you can accept this behaviour and be aware that it is hard to change a person, whether it is worth it?
When it comes to money and commitment, I am not sure if this is good advice but I would personally give him a scare, tell him exactly what you want, which is what you had planned together, and say that there is no sign of it being possible while he doesn’t look after his money, and say that if it doesn’t turn around you might have to leave.
This is just me but if it comes down to it I would even leave for a few weeks, and this will either shock him into realising he doesn’t want to lose you, or let you see him for what he really is, if he doesn’t appear to care that you’ve gone, the sad truth is he probably doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him.
A lot of this is up to you and your gut feeling, whether things can improve, and whether he is worth being patient and waiting for to get his act together. I would also say maybe your attitude to talking to him about your issues with the relationship should be a little less directly critical of him and more pro-active to improve things together. For example I was getting frustrated with my boyfriend for never working and so I talked to him about how work would improve his sleep patterns, his happiness, etc and I helped him look for work, and now he has found some himself because I threw some possibilites out there which he liked the sound of.
It is a tricky situation and I don’t know how in love you two are or whether it is worth the fight, that part is up to you to decide, noone else can tell you. But if you are unhappy, remember you don’t deserve to feel like that, and life is short, if it can’t be fixed, get out and find happiness elsewhere.
