[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you imply that your marriage is irretrievably broken, it’s a lot better for your two young sons to see you behaving honestly. If you start cheating on their mother, eventually, you will be found out. In spite of your marriage being a bad one, and even if your wife agrees that it’s a bad marriage, I guarantee you she’s going to be furious about being cheated on. This could trigger a divorce, a custody battle and the fallout lands on your young sons. 🙁

It’s a fact that marriages fail, just as yours has. How people handle these failures is important. I know you’re trying to avoid divorce, but what you’re doing is going to be worse and have a worse effect on your family — as well as the woman who is already a victim, per your description.

I know you describe yourself as a good man and a good father, but you’re about to take advantage of your wife, your kids and this other woman who’s already a victim of abuse. You said this woman who’s “defenses you’re trying to break down” 😕 is a victim of extreme violence and abuse. These types of women who have long term histories of abuse typically think abuse is normal. Why subject her to a situation where if you succeed in having an affair with her, she’s inevitably going to fall in love with you since women usually do that when they have sex with men, knowing you’ll never be able to give her the relationship she wants?

Think about what you’re really looking for. I don’t think it’s just sex because while I don’t advocate escorts or prostitution, there are plenty of women who will have sex without a relationship. I think you’re looking to this divorcee because you want to be admired and respected and longed for. What man doesn’t? In fact, what woman doesn’t? We all want that. But you’re choosing a woman who’s very damaged and you’re basically feeding her to the lions — because you’re not interested in her well being. She may be unstable given her background and why would you even want to expose your family to someone like that. Women scorned are known to do crazy things!

In answer to your questions, she’s said no to your three requests for a date, but continued to flirt because she’s lonely and flirting makes her feel good. She’s friendly with you because she works with you and she doesn’t want to endanger her job. She called you a “really nice guy” in a group setting because she was in a group setting and didn’t want to make waves. She probably is torn, but people with her background are usually torn. It’s not you — it’s her. I see why you’re confused, but I think you’re the one confusing yourself. If a woman turns down three dates in a row, most guys would move on. She very well may be interested in you more if you weren’t married, and she very well may be enjoying the attention she gets by flirting with men, including you. As you yourself can probably attest, flirting makes people feel good, but if they read more into it than there is, they can build fantasies that aren’t based in reality.

Keep your feet on the ground and focus back on your marriage — stay in it or get out of it — and you’ll be a lot less confused! 😉