[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since your boyfriend lost complete custody of his two children with is first ex, it’s understandable that he’s trying to change his behavior and stay out of court with his second ex so he can see his third child as much as possible. I know you think it’s wrong, but if you look at it from his point of view, what he’s doing is logical. I also don’t really understand from what you’ve written what his second ex is doing wrong and why you hate her. It sounds like his work schedule only allows him to have his daughter on the weekends, and so he’s being a good single parent by spending as much time as he can with his daughter.

The problem is that you’ve chosen someone who for one entire year has made it clear that his raising his daughter is a priority. He is afraid to let his ex know that you’re a part of his life because she may see you as a potential step-mother to her daughter and that will possibly trigger resentment, jealousy and fear in her and cause her to act punitively, using the daughter as a pawn. Whether or not it’s morally right, it’s a reality, and since your boyfriend lost so bitterly and badly in his last custody battle, it’s completely understandable that what little custody he has of this third child — the only one he sees and knows anymore — is precious.

You’re in a completely different situation. You’re confident as a good mother. Your boyfriend has been accused of abusing his children and has lost custody of them completely. He’s trying to be a good parent, now, and it’s hard to blame him for compensating this time. You have an amicable and civilized relationship with your ex-husband and your son is away at college, and is probably not even a minor any more. He has no civilized contact with his first ex or his children with her, and he’s missing out on their minority. You want a partner who will become a husband and be there for you. He wants a girlfriend who won’t rock the boat and will fit in — in the background. Unfortunately, you’ve chosen the wrong guy. The two of you are not compatible and you’re ignoring the facts — and have been for a long time. Breaking up with him over and over is not going to get him to change his behavior. That’s already been proven.

He needs a girlfriend or wife who puts his relationship with his four year old daughter on a pedestal because he lost his other two kids. That pain is driving his behavior now. You’re not accepting that and it’s making you crazy upset and breakup-slap happy. You need someone who is in a similar parenting situation to yours, who is an empty nester and has time to focus on the second half of life with a new wife where all the kids have either gone off to college, left home for their own adult lives, or are just about to. A father with a four year old is a completely different animal.

Let him go and find someone who is more compatible. All the good features this guy has are not enough if raising his daughter without you comes first. Accept the facts — you’ll be hurt by the rejection for a short time, and then you’ll realize it’s not personal. It’s an incompatibility.

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