AnonymousI think I woke up a different person this morning, in a way. My thoughts seems to have sorted themselves a lot during the night.
I realise that I’ve spent my time being happy vs being scared/misearble in a ratio of about 1:10 the past few weeks. Him building walls around himself through this and my not knowing what he was thinking, had me tip-toeing around on eggshells, scared to say or do the wrong thing. There wasn’t much intimacy about this subject, whatever his reasons for not wanting to talk about it. As a friend, I can deal with that.
As a girlfriend, it was ripping me apart. I do love him. However, I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore. I’ve been so overwhelmed by fear and insecurity I think I lost that somewhere along the way. Maybe that’ll change down the line. I don’t know. Now that we’ve put the relationship aside, we’re much more comfortable with eachother. We’ve talked more in the past ten hours than we have in the past month.
Maybe he’ll change his decision down the road, but the truth is, I’m not sure I want to go back into a relationship. If he suggests that, I don’t see it working out unless he gets professional help to deal with things. Otherwise it’d probably be the same thing all over again the next time the doctors give him bad news.
I realise that I might need help myself. Well… not just -might-. I’ll get it.
But for now, I’m going to wait until the pizzaplace opens, order something that’ll ruin my figure and just sit on the couch with my dog (who is way to big to be a lapdog but who likes to think that she is anyway) and vegetate with a pile of dvds.
And you know what else? As terrified as I’ve been about losing my boyfriend…. I’m relieved that its over. It’s been so much more draining that I knew. Mostly I’m just glad I didn’t lose my friend
