I will begin with the current status and reveal more as needed. I am 41 never married- My ‘friend’ (age 53 once married w 5 adult children) and we have a 3 1/2 yr boy, unplanned. We met 15 yrs ago, when I was pregnant w my now almost 14 yr old in which he is and has been very close to & says he loves like a son. Since our son was born, I have honestly given time and space-respectfully- yet made clear to him in action and words I was willing to commit -yet there remains uncertainty on his part in re to our relational status, & w me I would like to commit and be more involved. We have had inconsistency due to out of our own confusion and or misunderstandings. Our movie, “when Harry met Sally” is funny to realize how we can talk of when we first met and all the events in between, i can finish his sentences as he mine, just out of natural love and acceptance– I have faithfully been forthright with him- even while we were absent, but I am not sure of what he does while we are absent yet i put my concerns on the table as well as been open to his, in order for us to decided whether we can be committed to one another. His entire family and mom has known & knows his love for me, and are aware of our situation,even his mom says i would make a good wife this past September- when i met her for the first time- as she is not in our same state- yet- WE have not ever been committed to one another in the past 15 yrs. He and i began a friendship and he realized after sometime, he wanted more, and i agreed and shortly changed my mind – i told him as it was something i was unaware of, just felt in my spirit i could not follow through, this was in 2003.Maybe it was timing- im not sure what it was? HIs family was aware of our decision as well. He was deeply crushed, moved away, and was even more hurt that I had moved on into another relationship – yet to call him a year plus later that the relationship did not succeed to marriage- resuming our ‘friendhip’ we found ourselves in a long distance love relationship in which I had matured and still was growing in all aspects, where the years past, i had trauma and issues- In 2007,We decided we both wanted to communicate seriously about marriage or not once anf for all, we had an extraordinary date, the next day our son was conceived. We both say today, we love eachother and that we always will- our meeting when he visits our son, turns into a ‘happy family love session’ when he and i have stayed away, we try to move on or at least i do, b/c he continues to keep from committing it is strange–(i do not know what he does when he is away) but out of naturally thinking he is truly uninterested or unable or willing to commit Question is, do I take his unwillingness or fear to commit at face value and do not let him flirt w me as he often does? or set forth a seriousness(which when i have in past he stays says he will think about it, or it sounds like a good idea, and yet ends up absent to it mentally and or even sometime physically! he originally says he did not want children (as we do have one) and that it is hard for us to move forward now that we have a child. -he says.
He is very close to my 13 yr old son- in which he spent more time with when we first met, than he did w our son when he was a newborn, & even now his visits w our son is inconsistent- [b]It is hard for me to understand whether i follow what i see vs what i feel. [/b]sometime i can let it go, as the past 3 yrs have been enough for me, (waiting for him to decide to commit/ & when we have a month of consistency him visiting his son & were getting along, in the past he will disappear- the past month he has just returned and we did not see him since june(though he had car troubles- & has been asking for friend or family to transport him to & from my house, he says it was alot, & he is still needing help w transportation) When we are apart, I let go, and yet my heart will sometime suddenly ache time to time-even if i do not see him for 6 months. He tells me at times he wants to just get married, yet the concerns he says he has never really get resolved, as I am open to discussing them-due to his choice in keeping evasive or inconsistent. He says he is not involved w anyone, and that I am everything to him, and that at one point he was not sure i loved him for him ,but rather out of need or just a desire to marry & be a family. i have evaluated and shared w him after some time, it is clearly not that- our connection is very deep and genuine yet he seems to be afraid to commit–time after time the past 3 yrs– am i dancing w the wrong partner? part of me tries to let go, yet when he and i are around we both admit to & just melt and conduct ourselves like were married. even yrs ago, when we were just friends, people would think we were married- we just have so much in common-what do i do at this time to keep our friendship, while he is unable to decide- yet not get my heart and mind so disrupted of hope or ultimate rejection?(to both myself, and my boys as they are very close to him even though he is inconsistent with his time with them.)