It sounds like you need some clarity — and you need to accept the reality of your situation, which is disappointing. When you accept the disappointment, it will be easier to get clarity. It sounds like you keep expecting or hoping things will change instead of accepting who he is, what the relationship you have with him is, and what the co-parenting situation will be.

My advice is that after you have the baby, you go to court and seek a custody schedule and child support agreement. If you have a schedule of who sees the baby and when, you won’t have to rely on your communication with him so much because the schedule will be set. Sometimes having a third party can be very effective in difficult situations like this one.

For now, since there isn’t really any reason for you to communicate with him, don’t. Let him know when the baby is born and arrange for him to have some time alone with the new baby in the hospital, so he can bond with his child. After that, let the court ordered schedule stand if you can’t work one out with him.

Let me know if you have any other questions. I’m happy to help you.

You’re very welcome. If you have any more relationship questions, please ask me! 🙂

It sounds like you’re upset about the situation, which is understandable. Your feelings of disappointment are completely valid. However, don’t look to your ex to validate your feelings. He’s your ex. Not your boyfriend or your fiancee or your husband. As a soon to be single mother, you have to look elsewhere for those validations. This is the perfect time for you to gather your “support team” who can be family, neighbors, friends — you need people you can talk to, count on for help at the birth, walk in the park with, call to dish about your day, etc. Your ex can’t be that person for you, and if you look to him for that support and don’t get it, you’re going to be disappointed and depressed.

I’m not sure if he has a legal right to be with you at the birth — I’m not a lawyer — and that’s a question you can ask the hospital where you’re planning to have the baby, as well as your doctors. At the very least, it would be nice for him to be there right after you give birth, to bond with the newborn at the hospital. As for raising the baby, it’s great that he wants to be involved in the baby’s life, as the father. And if he wants 50% custody, that’s a good thing! Think about why that upsets you and see if you can articulate it — because that will help you process and heal. It’s normal for you as a new mother to want to control things, but it will help if you look at your feelings of wanting to control them. Your baby deserves both parents, and if the father is all in for parenting, that’s a big gift to your child. And you. What is it in your heart and head that doesn’t want that for your baby?

This is a huge transition for you. I understand your ex reacting to your wanting a mediator, and if the two of you can work things out, you don’t need a third party. But if it’s too upsetting to deal directly with him, then a mediator may help. But remember, a mediator mediates — he or she doesn’t represent you. The mediator will try to do what’s best for the baby. He or she can’t remove the conflict that you and your ex feel towards each other, but they will try to help you reach decisions together. As a last resort, you can simply go to a local family court, file your case, and ask a judge to decide what’s in the baby’s best interests.

Let me know if you have more questions.

I understand. However….

Judges and mediators will see that you were friends with him for six years, had a baby with him, and got engaged to him with plans to raise the child together in spite of these concerns. It’s only when the two of you broke up, did you suddenly have these complaints about his ability share custody. That’s why your concerns about his bad temper and drinking are probably not going to be reasons to deny his shared custody of his child. You wanted him to share in raising the child, in the same house, until you broke up. And, even if he had DUI/DWI (driving under the influence) charges, the courts would probably ask him to submit to breathalyzer tests or maybe not drive his child in order to promote his custody. I’m guessing his bad temper didn’t lead to any police arrests, so what you would tell the court about his temper would simply be one ex complaining another ex. Lots of people have bad tempers and don’t like babies crying. He’s not unusual that way.

I’m sorry for the harsh truth, but it’s better you hear it now. Most mediators and judges want a child to have a relationship with both parents, and they’re used to hearing moms and dads complain about each other and sling mud. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can try and find some peace. As long as you fight that, you’re going to be upset. My advice is to focus on peace and not fighting. He’s not perfect. You’re not perfect. But you’re having a baby and you’re both the parents. Put your energy into having a peaceful solution and not conflict. 🙂

You’re welcome. I know this is difficult, and my heart goes out to you. I’m here if you have any questions. 🙂

Very lovely advice.