[mikeh9517]

I’m just crushed to found out that a girl I liked for 3 months now and went out on a couple dates with her and found out she’s using the I want to be friends excuse so she can date another guy. Why the heck did she do this to me? I feel so used because she was bored and was looking for a guy looking like Tom Cruise. I’m a nerd by the way. Before all this she was really depressed about her past breakups. I was trying to cheer her up and this is what she does to me?

[AskApril Masini]

Look — dating is competitive, and not everyone you like is going to like you back in the same way. And…. that goes in the other direction, too. Not everyone who likes you is going to be liked back by you in the same way, as well. That’s just life. Instead of blaming her for victimizing you, it’s healthier to just accept that after three dates, she wasn’t that into you and moved on. Being a nerd isn’t a bad thing at all — you just have to find someone who likes you the way you are — or…. change some of your behavior so you’re not [i]just[/i] a nerd. 😉

Keep in mind that dating is a process — people use it to decide if they like someone enough to keep dating them, and sometimes they don’t. The “I just want to be friends” excuse for breaking up and moving on may feel insulting because it’s a little trite, but it works because it gets the point across.

Use this opportunity to find someone really great who likes you, as much as you like her!

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[mikeh9517]

Where should I look for girls that might be interested in me? I found her through one of my friends because my friend suggested I should give her a chance. Now I have to start over again and dont know where I should look for single girls because every time I ask a girl they are single its “I have a boyfriend”.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you?

[mikeh9517]

I’m 20 years old,

[AskApril Masini]

Got it — so you’re 20 years old, and a single guy, so I’m guessing you’re a college student or you’re in an entry level job — or a summer job, for now. You can meet women all over campus, if you’re a college student. In fact, it’s one of the most single-available places to meet women that you’ll ever have! Other places have to do with the gym, the beach, the pool, parties, the coffee shop, anywhere you eat out regularly…. and if you’re working, that’s another place where people meet.

Hope that helps.

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[mikeh9517]

How would I know they are not the ones with attitudes and actually want to talk to me. I’m afraid If I ask they are single that the answer would be mostly no. I forgot to metioned before this girl that there was this girl I talked to for 2 months. We actually hung out alot. She just got out of a relationship where she was engaged but the boyfriend broke up with her because she had a miscarriage. But she talked to a guy behind my back and is engaged with this guy. I think I have really bad luck with girls 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]How would I know they are not the ones with attitudes and actually want to talk to me.[/quote]

By getting to know them. You have to talk to these women and decide if you want to date them, and if you do date them — get to know them and decide if you want to continue dating them. 😉 This isn’t a magic wand trick — it’s a [i]process[/i].

[quote]I’m afraid If I ask they are single that the answer would be mostly no. [/quote]

Then, that’s a fear of failure, you need to deal with within yourself. If you let your fears stop you from making small talk, and chatting with women, you’re going to find yourself with problems like regret. 😳 Take the risk! 🙂

[quote]I forgot to metioned before this girl that there was this girl I talked to for 2 months. We actually hung out alot. She just got out of a relationship where she was engaged but the boyfriend broke up with her because she had a miscarriage. But she talked to a guy behind my back and is engaged with this guy. I think I have really bad luck with girls 🙁[/quote]

I think you have a narrow view of dating — and opening up your attitude will help you. Just because you talk to someone doesn’t mean your’e in a relationship with them, and therefore, they can’t technically “talk to a guy behind your back”. You weren’t dating her, so she can’t go behind your back. You should assume that anyone you’re talking to is talking to other people. Dating is competitive — just like much of the rest of the world. When you accept that, you won’t feel that you’re a victim or someone with bad luck — you’re just someone who has to make some changes in the way he meets women and dates them! 😀

I hope that helps.

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[mikeh9517]

The girl that is engaged, we actaully went to go to the movies, out to eat, picnics in the park, etc. I considered them dates but she considered it as just hanging out 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

Define the date! Say, “Would you like to go out on a date with me?” That sets it up. Pay for the date. You asked, you pay! Pick her up, bring her flowers, thank her for the date afterwards. If you want to be on the same page as someone you’re dating, make the page clear. 🙂

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[mikeh9517]

I payed for most of the stuff we went to. I was even shy of being romantic towards her like huging her because I dont know what type of reaction I would get.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]I was even shy of being romantic towards her like huging her because I dont know what type of reaction I would get.[/quote]

You need to be able to take risks. 😉 Nobody ever died from rejection, so if you’re not willing to go in for the kiss — in order to figure out if she likes you ‘that way’, you’re going to have regrets. 😉 Women will give you clues that they like you. They’ll laugh at your jokes, look into your eyes, sit close to you…. you can use those clues to offset your risk — but if you’re dating someone, you should definitely go in for the hug or the kiss. Affection is part of dating, and it’s a way to show your feelings, and learn hers, too. 🙂

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[Ethan Morales]

She didn’t “do this to you” because you’re a nerd or because you weren’t good enough. she did it because she was using you for emotional support while keeping her options open. Some people don’t want to be alone, so they lean on the person who’s kind, available, and comforting… but once someone they really want shows up, they switch lanes. It’s selfish, but it’s not about you. it’s about her immaturity and insecurity. Both girls you mentioned wanted validation, not a relationship. You offered effort, consistency, affection and they took the parts that benefited them without giving you anything real. That’s not “bad luck.” That’s picking the wrong type of girl: wounded, unstable, or looking for a distraction.

You don’t need to “find girls who want nerds.” You need to look for women who appreciate consistency, intelligence, and reliability not attention-seekers, not recently heartbroken women, not girls who say “I’m not ready to date” but still want your energy. Right now, you’re choosing women who are emotionally unavailable and hoping your kindness will convert them into partners. It won’t. If you want better results, stop choosing girls who are fresh out of breakups, depressed, or confused. Look for women who are stable, already happy with their lives, and looking for someone steady. Those women exist at work, hobby groups, gyms, volunteer events, online dating anywhere adults actually go. You’re not cursed. You’re just picking girls who aren’t ready for someone like you.

[Sally]

That hurts in a very specific way. You give someone your time, your softness, your energy, and then they hit you with “let’s be friends” while they line up someone else. It makes you feel like you were just holding space until she found what she really wanted.

But here is the quiet truth most people do not say out loud: she did not use you on purpose. She liked the attention, she liked feeling cared for while she was hurting, and she probably did not know how to be honest without feeling like the bad guy. A lot of people do that when they are scared or lonely.

It still sucks, and it still feels personal, but it is not a judgment on you. It is just someone who was not ready and did not have the guts to say it sooner. You are not wrong for caring. You just cared for the wrong person.

[Tara]

She used the attention you were giving her to soothe herself until someone she actually wanted came along. You weren’t her future. You were her emotional crutch. She let you take her out, let you cheer her up, let you carry the weight of her heartbreak not because she was building something with you, but because it felt good to have someone orbiting her while she waited for something better in her eyes.

It wasn’t personal.
It was convenient.
And the second she found a guy who fit her fantasy “Tom Cruise,” as you put it she dropped you with the classic “let’s be friends,” the softest version of rejection she could offer to keep her image clean while walking away.

You didn’t get played because she’s evil.
You got played because you showed up like a boyfriend for a woman who never treated you like anything more than a placeholder.

Stop acting like your kindness was some sacred offering she violated. You weren’t dating. You weren’t exclusive. You were giving her emotional labor for free, and she took it. That’s not romance that’s you projecting a relationship onto a girl who wasn’t choosing you.

[Member]

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