[lancerecruit]

Katie and I have been together for approx. 2 years. She is 33 and I am 42. We went through a breakup for about 6 months and then re-established our relationship in May 2010. Our relationship has had many problems due to a lack of communication and a lack of learning to understand each other and where the other is coming from.

In Sept 2010, we got news that she was pregnant with our daughter. We did not live together at the time. I lived in an apartment in Greenfield and she resided with her brother and sister-in-law in Waukesha. She has lived with them for the last 5 years approx. I had expressed that I wanted us to get our own place together, work through the problems we had, and prepare a future together for the child and a family. She expressed concerns about moving out together because of our earlier problems and asked that I in turn move into her brother’s home with her and her sister-in-law. My lease was ending in May2011. Upon the end of my lease, I moved into the home to be closer to her and our child. Her family thought this would also be a better idea so that she could be around family, deal with any depression that may come, and work on our relationship. (I was told by her family that she has always had a knack of running when things went wrong and for only looking at the negatives in any relationship she has ever had without consideration for the positive aspects.) As much as I didn’t feel comfortable doing so, I moved for her.

Although she “feels” as though I never supported her during the pregnancy, I want to point out that I explained to her there was only so much I could do as we were not living together through most of that time by her choice. She always complained that I moved too much or tossed and turned too much so that she was not getting any sleep. Because of that I didn’t stay much. Then when she started to show, all I heard was that there was never enough room on the queen bed she had as she needed numerous pillows for support, and I still moved around too much and kept her awake. I tried to understand and chose to “sleep” at home in order to not cause anymore stress with this-although now, she says she feels that I did not support her because of this. How can you sleep when all you end up doing is worrying about “if I move or stretch, she won’t get any sleep and it’ll be my fault.

Once Ava was born (and we were living together), she was breastfeeding and spent 90% of her time in her room either feeding Ava or having her sleep. I expressed numerous times how I felt like there was nothing for me to do because she was breastfeeding and how I felt sort of jealous over the fact that she was getting to spend so much time with her developing that bond and I was at work all day. She always said that I shouldn’t feel bad because there really wasn’t much for me to do and that it was normal for her to develop and better bond as she was her mother and with her 24/7. So, I would ask her if it was ok for me to ride my Harley with friends on Friday and Saturday nights in order to meet friends out, socialize and show pictures of Ava. She never had a problem with me doing so-or so I thought at the time. In hindsight, I should have been more understanding of her needs and feelings, but again, we never communicate so I never understood where she was coming from.

Approximately 7 weeks ago, I started taking a much more active role in bottle feeding her milk produced by Katie, spending more time with her and taking a more active role. Katie expressed that she felt like we had lost our relationship and that there was nothing there. She also expressed that she had felt I wasn’t or didn’t take as much of an active role as I should have and had felt lonely like she was doing it all herself. Beginning in August, I stopped going out with friends on the weekends and spent my time trying to change my lifestyle in order to focus my priorities on Ava and her by cleaning, taking Ava as soon as I got home from work, staying home on the weekends and just being there as an active parent. She has said that no one will push her to stop breast feeding and that even though she understands that I ant Ava to take a bottle and be more active, that is all on Ava and Katie will not push the issue.

I have told Katie (and I hope she truly knows) that I do love her and want our relationship to get better and I have told her and shown her through actions that a family is what I truly want for Ava, her and myself. I have expressed that not only would I continue changing my lifestyle and working on myself, but I would actively seek counseling for both of us to learn how to communicate and understand each other. I would also participate in starting up with a church, that I would not longer put my needs above her or Ava’s needs, and I would be the best father and partner I could be.

I admit that I made mistakes here and there, and I now believe that I could have done more to make her feel that I was in fact with her at all times. I have realized that with a daughter and it wanting a true family, it’s no longer about me and that we have a daughter who needs us both. I also understand now that the way I perceived myself as being supportive to Katie during/after the pregnancy is not the same way that she perceived it in me. I guess not being to contribute much in the beginning didn’t really help me to realize my true responsibilities to her of our daughter.

Since then, I have made changes to better myself and to change my focus and priorities. I clean every morning before going to work to help her, I take Ava as soon as I get home in order to see her and give Katie a break to do what she needs to do, I feed her when Katie has pumped bottles available, I play with her and I hold her until her bedtime at around 9-9:30 every night. I have stayed true to my word and have not made empty promises, but have shown it in my actions.

However, I believe that Katie is looking to maintain 100% control of Ava (what she does, where she goes, feeding her, bathing her, etc). I am never included unless she says so or let’s me be involved. As you can see, I have a huge passion for and do love my daughter and Katie both very much. I have reiterated that I want to do whatever it takes to make our family work, together. But I understand that it ultimately takes 2 and if Katie is unwilling to work with me in regards to our relationship, then I am left with my only other option; to make sure that I am always an integral part of Ava’s life, her raising and her happiness. And, to make sure that Katie can not just take her away from me. I want to be a great father and am willing to devote all I am to my little girl, even if I am only granted 50% of our lives together.

She says she has no time to work at a relationship, there are no feelings there as “I” made them disappear, and has to concentrate on Ava and school. She is on a low dosage meds but because she is breast feeding, I don’t think they are strong enough to make a difference. I am moving out into a 1 bedroom apartment Nov 8th which is only 6 minutes from her-I made sure to be close. All my friends have said I have done everything I can and have hung in there more than most would have.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO TO GET HER FEELINGS BACK AGAIN!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You said it yourself — it takes two people to get a relationship to work and one to break it up. You can try wooing your girlfriend, but if she’s really not interested in a relationship with you, then there is, as your friends have suggested, only so much you can do.

It’s very normal for a newborn and a mother to develop a very close bond, but your daughter’s bond with you is very important to you — and to her, emotionally, socially and developmentally. In other words, it’s in your daughter’s best interests to have a healthy relationship with both parents.

If your girlfriend won’t include you in parenting then try to work out an informal custody schedule so that you, too, have time alone with your daughter. If you can’t work one out informally then use the court system to work out a form one.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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