[crackerjoe]

Hello Everyone,

I have been dealing with my mom’s dilemma for awhile now and I really like some advice on how to continue.
This is really between my mom and my father, but since my mom dont speak or write english very well, I guess its up to me to try to find some 3rd party advice for her.

A lil background:
we immigrated to canada in the 80’s. My father was never really the “bread winner” at home. mom was the one who worked 3 jobs just to put food on the table and rent for us (my sister and I were really young at the time, so we couldnt work). Keep in mind my father was a licensed millwright and mom was just a seamstress and no education, one would think the role would be reversed. However,…..

My father would have all sorts of business ventures which he failed every single one and always end up taking mom’s pay cheque (our survival money) to cover his supposedly failed business ventures. he is also physically and mentally abusive to my mom and I over the years. Words cannot begin with the hatred i have for this man.

My father also has a gambling problem. We lost 2 houses due to this habbit of his. Though mom had turned a blind eye all these years. but we all have to live and pay for his mistakes.

Throughout the years, during our childhood, my sister and I also caught him several times with another woman, in particular, he had an affair with my mom’s brothers wife-our aunt, we were too young and naive to clue in (I was 13 and my sister was 8 at the time) but mom had admit knowledge of these incidents to us in the recent years.

Fast forward to now, moms hardwork has paid off. I am now 36, a professional engineer with a local municipal government and my sister is a CMA with a local chartered bank. we both have our own families and resides 5000km away from mom, we want to get her to move in with us, but she still linger over the crappy rundown apartnment cause she wants to keep a place for him when he returns.

Oh, i should also mention that he left awhile back to another province for “some” job which in all honesty, given his track record of infidelity and gambling problems, would excuse him from supporting my mom. Now its gotten to a point that he is tryin to convince mom to go on social assistance so he wont have to support my mom.

I am sick and tired of his sh!t, my poor mother is still suffering from him all these years till now, and her failing health is preventing her from working full time. Dear readers, i know it is not my place to interfere with my mom’s personal/marriage matter, but I feel like that its past the point of reason and I need to step in. Is it wrong for me to propose a divorce for my mom and him? ALSO keep in mind that the fallout of this would include my father cutting tides with my sister and I (Not that i give a hoot, but my sentimental sister might), Ive been pretty depressed over this for the last 5 years now, its not getting any better, my sister and I now would have to sustain each of own family as well as carryin on the responsibility of mom which he chose to ignore for the past 30 odd years. frustrated and confused, thank you kindly for all your advice in advance.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you have two problems. The first one is that you’ve bottled up your feelings and haven’t told your father what you think, for decades. Now you’re 36, but you’re still angry about things that happened when you were 13. It’s important you let go of that anger so you don’t continue to carry it with you. People let go of their emotional baggage in different ways. Sometimes they can intellectually process what happened and find a way to make sense of it. This allows them to let go. Other times, they need to confront the person and say their peace. Find out what will work for you, and then let the anger go. The anger becomes a separate problem and you’ve got that right now.

Next, you’re blaming your father for his bad behavior, when really, it’s now no longer appropriate to do so. You and your sister are successful adults in every sense of the word, and still your mother refuses to help herself. Your problem, now, isn’t your father. It’s your mother. You can suggest a divorce to her, but I guarantee she won’t get one. She’s made it clear that her life is with your father, in spite of his failures. You can offer her a home with or near you, and your sister can do the same — but if she doesn’t accept your generous offers, then YOU have to accept that this is her life, and she has the freedom to make her own choices.

It’s hard to figure out why people do what they do when you clearly see a better path — but part of life is accepting what you can change, and letting go of what you can’t. Tell your mother how upset you are at the way she’s living her life, and that you want to see her change — and what you’d like to do to help her. Then LISTEN to her response, and ask her how she feels about her life, and ask her if there’s anything she’d like you and your sister to do to promote her health (physically, mentally, socially, psychologically, etc.).

Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[crackerjoe]

Dear Ms April,

Thank you for the advice.
I will keep you posted on any progress/regress.

Regards,
Crackerjoe

[AskApril Masini]

Great. Good luck! 😀

[Member]

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