[lucy]

I dont know if you remember while back “partner got back in touch with female “friend” “. Page 30+. You said to the girl dont tell him not to talk to her ex but compete for her bf to want his gf more than this female friend. You said if she ever needed help on finding ways to compete with the girl. to win bf not his female friend win him. You said you had list of things she could do if she needed it but girl never wrote back for list. However i am in same situation and was wondering can i please have the list??? Thank you lucyloo

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s so nice to get a first post from a new forum member like yourself — and I appreciate that you read a post on this forum that resonated for you, but it’s very difficult for me to remember all of the 20,000+ posts on this forum! 😉 I think that the advice you mention sounds right — if you’ve got a boyfriend or a guy you’re dating in a newish relationships, and he’s still in touch with his ex, rather than put down an ultimatum or try and control him, it’s always a good idea to try and win him over. When you try to control him by pointing out what he’s doing wrong or setting ultimatums, you’re going to make him feel badly about the relationship. But when you project confidence, and show him (not tell him) why you’re the girlfriend he should invest in, he’s going to figure out quickly, why he should put you on a pedestal.

If you do write again, since you’re a first time poster, let me know some more specifics about your situation (your ages, the length of time you’ve been dating this guy, etc.), and I’ll be able to give you more specific advice. 😀

[lucy]

Hes 35 and i am 28. After two months we moved in together. We did well for six months then we moved state together and i bought a house and we lived there together another five months. He just dumpted me because i lied about few money issues and wouldn’t show him my work phone. I was his first serious gf ever. He was a player before me had a fuck buddy n everything a girl who is a happy ending bodybuilder to be exact. Thats wgat she does for a living and i am high end security for the wealthy. He stopped talking with her when with me and now we have split up hes back texting her i know she has a bf though. We had two months nasty texting then nigce then nasty and five days ago i decided to go no contact rule. Am i doing right thing? I want him back. 100% and no i wont move on. I want help to get him back. Ideas advice plz. Am already training in the gym and doing no contact rule. I see him on whats app all the time day and night. Inalao see this girl online at same time too. I need ways to attract his attention again please. Thank you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So you dated for two months and moved in together, then after five months living together, he found you lied about money and wouldn’t show him your phone, so he broke up with you and now he’s dating someone else. In the meantime, the two of you have been texting angrily and nicely, but you finally broke off contact with him, decided to go to the gym to work on your physique and fitness and you want him back. Did I get that all right? 🙂

Fill me in a little more about the money lies that led to the break up. Financial infidelity can be a lot more difficult to overcome than sexual betrayal in some cases. So, the more I know about the specifics, the better I can help you. Also, why did he want to see your phone? It seems a little odd that he would want to see that unless he suspected you of not being truthful about other things… 😕 Anyway, set me straight on that.

I think it’s great that you’re taking a time out because the nasty texting isn’t going to get him back. It sounds like you’re angry at him if you were engaging in nasty texting with him, and I’m going to guess that you’re not really angry as much as you are disappointed that he’s broken up with you and is dating someone else who is very different than you in many ways. The good news is that this may very well be his rebound reaction. Sometimes when someone is hurt, they’ll go to a woman who is the total opposite of the one who hurt them. It’s not that they want that woman — but they do want the opposite experience of what led up to the hurt. And for you, it’s important to know that sometimes saying nothing makes the biggest statement. If you’re a sophisticated wealth manager, don’t denigrate what she does. Let it speak for itself, instead of lowering yourself to point out everything about her that you don’t find appealing. Believe me. He knows.

Your goal is to be the woman he wants, and that involves integrity and being impeccable with your word and your honesty. From what you wrote, that’s what broke the two of you up. So, that’s what you have to build. And while you’re taking a break from seeing him, don’t contact him. Don’t write or say anything snarky about his girlfriend, and just focus on being the woman he wants.

[lucy]

He was living with his fuck buddy for two years before me. She wanted more and ge didnt so he moved out the bedroom and he slept on mattress in her living room. I came along and we got apartment together after our six month least ran out we then moved states and rented another house for another five months until i decided to buy the place. So lived together nearly a year.
She has a bf now and there not dating or having sex but he is now back texting her now hes single which i dont like he knows i dont like her. I want him back.

[lucy]

I would go more into detail with you but i dont want all my business all over the internet. Any way you chat whats app or email etc?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You don’t have to go into any details you don’t want to! 🙂 I was just interested in the details of the reason for the break up. You had said it was because of a couple of lies you’d told him about money, and those are always tough to overcome, but knowing a little more about those lies may help. His wanting to see your phone indicated a lack of trust, and the funny thing about players, which you described him as having been, is that they love freedom, but they need control to have it. So while you had six really nice months together during the time you were together, the lies may have set him off, or else he used the lies you’d told to get back to the player lifestyle he’d once been comfortable in. Your lies didn’t have to precipitate a break up. Many couples decide that the relationship is more important than the lies — and they work to figure out why they were told, how they affected the relationship and how to get past them. Many couples do get over financial infidelities, but it requires work.

I hear you talking a lot about other women he’s been with or is interested in being with, and I think you’re focusing on those relationships to divest yourself of your part in the responsibility for the break up. If you really want him back, you have to focus on what caused the break up and how things will be different if you do get the opportunity to get him back. I think the two of you fell into a bad pattern of fighting and being nasty over his dating habits instead of focusing on the pain of the reasons for the break up. You have to get back to what was good between the two of you — not what you don’t like about him or his life. I know this is difficult, but unless you get out of the negative vector you’re on, you’re going to push him away. Focus on what’s good, on what you’re sorry about, on what you will do differently and on how this break up is changing you for the better. That’s how you give yourself the opportunity to get him back when you do see him again.

I hope that helps! Let me know if you have other questions. 😉

[lucy]

As i have said twice we were together a year not six months. First house was six months.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You had said that you had six really nice months together:

[quote]We did well for six months then we moved state together and i bought a house and we lived there together another five months. [/quote]

That’s what I was referring to. 😉

[lucy]

Ok sorry i am just really stressed. Trying to google ways on to get him to return on his own accord and things i can do to help along the way.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That’s okay — I know you’re stressed. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[lucy]

Am still waiting on ideas to help get him back want him begging for me. Just started my own business. Back in gym training and done one week no contact rule. Need ideas help please

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s the advice I’d given you before:

[quote] If you really want him back, you have to focus on what caused the break up and how things will be different if you do get the opportunity to get him back. I think the two of you fell into a bad pattern of fighting and being nasty over his dating habits instead of focusing on the pain of the reasons for the break up. You have to get back to what was good between the two of you — not what you don’t like about him or his life. I know this is difficult, but unless you get out of the negative vector you’re on, you’re going to push him away. Focus on what’s good, on what you’re sorry about, on what you will do differently and on how this break up is changing you for the better. That’s how you give yourself the opportunity to get him back when you do see him again.[/quote]

I hope that helps! 🙂

[Sally]

This isn’t about competing with another woman like a game or proving you’re “better.” The goal is to make your relationship stronger so he naturally chooses you, not because you outperformed someone else.

Here’s the list but read it calmly.
First, stop talking about the other woman. Don’t complain, don’t ask questions about her, don’t compare yourself. The more you bring her up, the more space she takes up between you.

Second, pull your energy back just a bit. Not cold. Not distant. Just less available. People notice when they’re no longer the center of someone’s emotional world.
Third, bring lightness back. Laugh. Be playful. Be warm. Men reconnect through feeling good, not through serious talks or pressure.
Fourth, focus on your life. Friends, hobbies, confidence. Attraction grows when you look fulfilled, not worried.

Fifth and this is the hardest watch his actions. If he leans in, great. If he keeps choosing her attention, no list will fix that.
You can’t win someone who doesn’t want to be won. But you can stop chasing and see what’s really there.

[Nick Roy]

Wow, Askapril, you have spoken to my heart.
“If someone really loves you, they don’t suddenly disappear or stop contacting you.”
You should not wait for such a person and move on in your life because this hot-and-cold situation is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
Such guys just come to pass the time, they talk when they feel like it, and disappear when they get bored, so you should stay away from such a person.
Stop waiting for people like this; move forward in your life, and you will find a better man.

[Member]

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