[Brett1313]

Hello All,

I have been seeing my girlfriend on and off again for 15 years (much more off than on- on for a combined 2.5 years of the 15 year period), and we began to see each other once more 3.5 years ago. Fast forward to now. We moved in with each other 3 years ago with her then 17 year old son (he’s now 20). The first 1.5 years went pretty well and with only minor disruptions from her son, who at the time was a pretty good guy. Messy guy with not a lot of motivation. However, this past year and a half has been pretty rough. I have found it increasingly difficult to live in the same house as her son. He does not pay rent, works part time, does not pick up after himself after leaving messes, and fails to do what is asked of him around the house. I understand that kids (even adult kids) are not the most focused individuals on the planet. But things came to a head when everything his mother or I ask of him is not done. He keeps his room in total disarray and completely unclean (we actually found a roach crawling from his room), he has stolen from his mother, does not take an active role in his assigned chores (which he is to complete in lieu of rent), and is only nice to his mother when he needs money.

My girlfriend and I feel that things should be handled in different ways. I (at first) thought he should leave immediately, she wanted more time to work on him. We compromised and she and I saw a therapist for tools that may help us address this situation with him and the bickering it caused between the 2 of us. I understand that I’m not the young man’s father, but I should receive a little respect.

About 2 months ago, I asked my girlfriend, her son and I to speak about the situation. I asked him to keep things neat and tidy in his room (especially after the roach incident) and to do a bit more around the house. We are all busy (she and I both work 10-13 hours a day on average). He agreed. The next day, nothing had changed. A couple of weeks after that, I asked that we all re-group. Again, we covered the same topics and I said I could no longer live in a house where respect was not given to those who worked hard all day and then come home and have to clean up after him. He agreed and said things would be different. His mother then noted to me that he was depressed. I noted that I understood, but he should still tackle some of the small tasks such as putting his dirty dishes away, and taking care of his own mess. This was followed for one week before he again reverted to hid old ways. This past Saturday when I went to get the mail, I noticed my girlfriend had received a ticket from the state. When she opened the letter, it mentioned that she now owed $150 for unpaid tollway fees for something that happened a month and a half ago. It turns out that he lied to his mother when he asked to borrow her car to take to work when in reality he took it for a joy ride instead of work.

I love my girlfriend, but I have a hard time with her hands-off approach with discipline and I’m tired of seeing her taken advantage by this guy. He may be depressed (or he may not be- that’s not up to me to diagnose), but I have a hard time living under the same roof as this young man who does not respect or me.

Yesterday, I had another conversation with them and said that one of three things were about to happen: 1)he gets his act together and puts a solid plan into place to guide him for the near-term future, 2) he leaves to find his own place, 3) I was going to leave. When I asked him what he thought, he said he had nothing to say. I asked him what he would do if the roles were revered and again , he said he had nothing to say. I then made the decision and told them I planned on leaving sometime within the month of November (my girlfriend and I split the rent 50/50 and I pay all utilities) and would pay through the end of that month whether I was there or not.

I do love my girlfriend and know that she has not always been dealt the best deck of cards, but what more can I do? Does my decision make me a bad guy? Why do I feel like I’m doing something terrible to her? Any feedback is welcome- I’m at the end of my rope.

Thank you

[AskApril Masini]

Nobody here is a good guy or a bad guy. 😉 But you’re blaming the wrong person. This young man has been taught, and continues to be taught, that he doesn’t have to be an upstanding person. He’s been taught that’s it okay to be irresponsible and dirty and disrespectful. He’s doing exactly what’s expected of him. 😯 Because you’re not his father, and you’re not his mother, and you’re not his step-father, you shouldn’t be disciplining him at all. You shouldn’t even really be trying to work things out with him, at all. All of this is his mother’s responsibility. And she’s dropped the ball on parenting, big time. She’s doing a huge disservice to her son by not parenting him. So, my advice is to be empathetic to this kid, not angry at him. He’s got mother who’s fallen down on the job. This isn’t his fault. It’s hers. You’ve made the mistake of trying to enable her by doing her job for her. That didn’t work (it never does). You’re right to not want to live with an adult child, who’s treated like an entitled brat and is suffering as a result. Discipline is a gift that parents give their kids. He didn’t get it.

I think you’re right to move on, but make sure you really do, for good. This break up may be the wake up call she needs to make some changes in her life. But even if she doesn’t, this isn’t your problem to solve. It’s hers.

I hope that helps.

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