[Anonymous]

Hello –

I have been dating this girl for about 4 months. At first, as with most relationships, it was great! We enjoyed and still do enjoy the best love making and alone time possible for any couple I think. Anyways, about one month into the relationship I noticed she was making comments like “You need to shop for new clothes” or “My mother thinks your shoes suck”. I was like…um, ok, there is nothing wrong with my clothes but ok…maybe I could use an update right? Wrong…next thing I know its…you need to wear more cologne, get a better job, spend more time at my house watching my shows, you need to do this, do that, do this and that!!! It is getting out of control!!! Now, I know being single for a long time I could use the help getting back to where I need to be as a nice looking guy but this is out of hand!! Stating I need to spend time at her house with her kid on Saturday or else were are done?? Cmon, thats a method of control…needless to say I brought that up! She is trying to choose my friends, my clothes, how I cook, clean myself up, shave…all of that! Not only that? But she keeps rushing me into marrying her for some reason…when you shopping for a ring she says…I just got a job after being laid off for 9 months!!

She seems to always nag, nag, nag and when I do things to appease her, its like she is thankless and still always negative. She always wants me to do things her way but i am often blinded by the silly notion that maybe I am a good enough person?? But then I quickly come to and say to myself…theres nothing wrong with me and she should accept me how I am! But, my question is…is there a middle line though…am I over-reacting? I am by far not a slob, I am educated, have a good job and am good looking…I can easily go find another woman but theres something stopping me…and honestly its not good…I think its the sex. Anyways…i would love to hear your feedback.

I think I am being somewhat controlled…and I hate it!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, it takes two people to play the control game! 😉 So rather than point the spotlight on her, let’s turn it back on you.

It really sounds like there is a compatibility issue here. The question is, as you pointed out, is there a middle ground you’re both willing to walk?

When she behaves in ways you don’t like, your obvious choice is to impose boundaries so you’re not uncomfortable. For instance, if a dog gets shocked by an electric fence, eventually the pain will become prohibitive to his approaching that fence. So if you don’t like the way you feel around her, the obvious remedy is to limit your time with her. As soon as you get “shocked” by her, walk away.

The trick to doing this, if you want to continue the relationship, is to [i]calmly [/i]explain why you’re leaving the room, or why you’re not going to spend this weekend with her. For instance if she starts to nag you about your clothing, in that moment, you can say, “I don’t feel so great when you nag me, so I’m going home. I’ll call you tomorrow.” If you allow this to escalate, you’re both going to get so crazy angry that your fights will be about derivative things, and not about what’s really going on.

The hope with behavior modification is that she’ll want to be with you more than she’ll want to nag you, so she’ll learn that if she wants your company, she has to make things more comfortable for you, and when you’re clear about what makes you uncomfortable (her nagging), then it makes her easier to make you comfortable by stopping the nagging behavior.

So that’s one method you can try out. It will change the dynamic in your relationship by giving you control of your own behavior so you don’t feel like a victim. 😉

The other trick is deal making. If she doesn’t like your clothes, offer to change your clothes — or go shopping with her for new trousers or a new sweater or whatever offends her — in exchange for no more talk about engagement rings. That’s just one example, but you can come up with whatever deals work for you.

I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I do think that unless something changes, you’re going to be wasting your time with your girlfriend. Eventually the good sex won’t be worth the misery you’ll feel of never being enough, when there’s nothing wrong with you from what I read.

People who control, do so because they feel that their own lives are out of control. There may be parts of your girlfriend’s life that she feels is out of control, and the easiest part of her life to control, is you. If she doesn’t take care of the real problem (which isn’t you), whoever she’s with is going to become the object of her problem.

I hope that helps.

[Member]

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